I'm closer to where I started

How many hits should a person take before they actually decide to back down? Its a case of trying til you succeed vs. if you still cant get it, its probably not for you and God is trying to tell you something.

I've been faced with this dilemma for the most part of my growing up phase. The choices that seem to be better, opposing what I want. Its usually been my heart vs. my head. I am no different than almost every person who shares their existence in this world with me, and believe me, I'm well aware of that.

At the same time, I've always been the practical person. I've pretty much always tried to do what is "right". Probably why I never achieved much, because I'd cut myself too short.

Not in the past few years.
The past few years have changed me a lot. Everything I thought I was...I wasnt.
It was a strange thing to realize.
Its harder for a person who thinks with their head in some situations and with their heart in some. Why? Because both the choices pull you toward them almost equally.
Not in the past few years.
Not as far as he is concerned.

With him, its not even a choice. With him, there is not one doubt in my mind. With him, all other options are not driven away, they just seem to fade away themselves.

With him, everything isnt made right,
it just is.
just.
is;
even among all the wrong things that happen, and continue to happen.

With him, I believe.

I'll go on. I'll always go on. I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him. I will. You'll see.

Like everyone else, I also often wish that God could talk back to me. Too many questions to ask. Too many why's how's and where's, but most importantly, like I said, the why's.

But He does talk back to him. My him.
And recently, we talked to Him. I didnt have to say anything, I didnt need to ask the questions, I didnt need to cry or laugh or shout out loud. When he asked me what I wanted to know, I just said tell God to talk to me.

And you know what He said? He said do you want me to end this now if its not going to happen? I froze.

I always freeze in such situations: when you want to ask the question, but aren't quite sure you want to hear the answer.

You know what I said?

I said if its not supposed to happen then I want You to make it happen. I want us to be together, and I want us to end up together.

And I said and I'm sorry if I sound rude when I say this,
but I'm willing to fight You for it if thats what it takes.



I cant be certain, but I think I saw a little smile up there when I said that.


I'll go on.
I'll always go on.
I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him.
I will.
You'll see.

-S.

hmmm.

i haven't been around at all and i come to my blog and someone is writing in the cbox with my nick.
not happy.
at all.

i had to let everyone know i'm still alive.

and who ever it is,
stop fucking around in my blog.

get your own blog.
or atleast get your own nick name.
or even better?

get a life.

in all unfairness

S and i had stopped planning on meeting for a while now because everytime we try to,
and we plan it and when it's almost time,
every single time...
something goes wrong.
for example the last time..
i was going to pick her up from her house and half way a car came and hit my car so hard..
and i completely fucked my back.
and the boy who was with me took me back home immediately,
thinking that the injury might turn in to something big.

S and i still haven't met..
if you guys haven't figured that out as yet.
we've been planning on meeting for over 2 years now...
yet we're still together.

so this time...
we planned to meet.
didn't make a big deal out of it.
and guess what happens?

doctor saab was going to get a few of my test results from the hospital when two cars came and hit him.
he was in the passenger seat..
he's got some serious head injuries and is unconscious.
and the boy who was driving got seriously injured too,
but he's up.
he's hurt his back and leg but he'll be okay inshallah.

it sucks.
it more than sucks.

i'm not sure what is it that keeps us going..
giving us a reason to go on.

we've been together 4 and a half years and then some,
still haven't met.
but we know we cannot live without each other.

it's not like haven't broken up.

we broke up 3 times.

i got married in the middle of the madness too.

and somehow we worked it out.
we've reached here.
we've come so so so far than both of us ever imagined.

i'm not sure what to think of it.
what to make of it all.

is it that it's not our time yet.
or is it that we're just not meant to be.

but why wouldn't we be together?

we're so good together.
there is a connection.
there is that clicking.
it was there day 1,
and it's still there after all this time.

we still make each other laugh.
we still complete each others sentences.
we cry together.
we make each other happy.
we still bring that same smile to the others face as we did in the first 6 months.

she still makes my heart skip a beat.
she still makes my heart race.

i know how i feel.
and i'm sure of my feelings.
and i know that there is nothing else that i want.
i keep telling her that i will steal you away from God if that's what it takes.

for me,
she is the one.
she is my one.

in my vulerable time..
she could have gone.
she doesn't deserve all this.
why would she stay with me?

for what?
for whom?

for someone that yeah she loves,
but has never met?
never seen?

but she stayed.

and the times that i left..
i came back.
not for her.
to her.

there have been so many times,
and still are times,
when i need her more than she needs me.
and she's aware of that.

and she stays.
not for me.
she stays with me.

we haven't said our vows yet..
but we're living up to them.
we've lived up to them.

we don't do because we have to.
or we should.
we do because we want to.

after all this and so much more,
you expect us to believe we don't belong together?
or that we cannot be together?

why?

why us?

people everywhere get married and have relationships with all kinds of wrong people.
why or how are we different?

we haven't even been given a shot at "us"
not even once.

it's always been about everyone else.
and everything else.
it's always about the third person.

it has never ever.
ever.
been about you and me.

all that there is about "us" are our thoughts.
our dreams.
our little and big plans.

at some insane level,
i guess i understand what all happened with me.
to me.
my family.
my friends.
everyone that i ever knew.

i get that.
like i said,
at some insane..
strange level,
i get that.

what i don't get is...
what is so unusual that we have asked or is what we want.

all we ask is for us to be together.
like any other normal one girl and one boy.
they meet each other.
like each other.
fall in love.
get married.
have kids.
have a family.

that's all we want.
that's it.

how many people do we all know who met,
fell in love and got married?
i'm sure everyone who is reading this knows atleast one situation of the sort,
right?

all we want is that one little chance.
a chance to feel that feeling in the stomach.
that knowing smile.
that touch.
that hug.
that first date.
that first kiss.

so much happened,
happens,
continues to happen every single day,
and in the middle of all that,
there is a fairy-tale.

and you just wait and see.
it will finish with a happily ever after.
(inshallah.)

you know why?


because it didn't start with "once upon a time..."

walking down memory lane..

before i get on to the real post of today i want to quickly run through the 3 days i didn't write.
everyday is an event,
so it will be very hard for me to keep you guys up to date that's why you guys need to be with me on a daily basis.

okay so...i mentioned that i was having these very tiring meetings.
the meetings ended on friday with an agreement (between rich and fish.)
to sum it up in a few words,
my whole case will now completely be handled by rich.
and whenever he needs any information,
fish will provide him with that.

that is one huge step in all of this mess.

the next big step is that one of richs' boss came yesterday along with a lawyer.
MY case is being prepared now,
which i will file and get some justice.
from tomorrow,
i will sit down with the lawyer and tell her (yes the lawyer is a she! yay!:)) everything from day 1.
how it happened.
when it happened.
why it happened.
it will be painful to go back in the past..
and live all the moments that i have buried.
so deep deep down.

rich said to me today that i should be prepared for the worst possible questions because she is your lawyer,
and she needs to know more than what is written on some peice of paper.
she needs to live your life down the painful memory lane with you..
for a secure and happy future.

there is my past that i have to live through,
and there are the financial settlements which need to be taken care of to;
that fish dealt with at the time.
so he will be sitting in the meeting through satellite,
and provide all the information.

it will be a painful process.
and i will keep updating you with its progress and details,
and inshallah really soon my case will be filed and all this mess will be over.
:)

coming to the post of the day,
ill give a very brief introduction of M today.
and tomorrow,
i will tell you guys all about her.

M is one of S's friends,
whom i have become very close to.
when i was in the U.S. and S and i had recently started talking,
that first summer,
M came to the states to visit her family.
that is when i used to call her up every single day and every single night,
asking her about S.

the poor soul would stay up with me till 7 in the morning,
telling me stories and little incidents that had happened involving S.
the next summer,
when i had my accident..
she was in the states again for work and her cousins wedding.
she flew from houston all the way to L.A. just to see me (as i have mentioned in my post about the accident.)
and took great care of me.
she was right there with me when my leg was amputated.
and she had brought her cell phone from Pakistan,
just so she could stay in touch with S and keep letting her know of any updates about me.

she called S and i spoke to her for the first time after my accident because of her.
the things she has done for me...
no real sister would ever do.

for now,
i wanted to give an introduction of M.
tomorrow i will write about all that happened at M end,
after she visited me in L.A. that year.

Monday Meme- A Countdown

took it off one of the bloggers.
i like to list things down.

9 Lasts...
1. Last place you were: Kitchen.
2. Last drug used: Tylenol, 30 minutes ago. My throat hurts.
3. Last beverage: Mountain Dew with dinner.
4. Last kiss: *next*
5. Last movie seen: The breakup.
6. Last phone call: M.
7. Last CD played: Mix song cd that I made.
8. Last bubble bath: Too long ago.
9. Last time you cried: a couple of weeks ago...i was missing my best friend eric.

8 Have You Evers...
1. Have you ever dated someone twice: No.
2. Have you ever been cheated on: No (not that I know.)
3. Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it? Hell yeah!
4. Have you ever fallen in love: Yes.
5. Have you ever lost someone: Yes.
6. Have you ever been depressed: Yes, but not for long.
7. Have you ever been out of the country: Yes.
8. Have you ever been on TV: No.

7 States You've Been To...(not counting the one you live in)
1. Illinois
2. Maryland
3. California
4. Minnesota
5. Michigan
6. New Jersey
7. Iowa
8. New York
9. Texas
10. Florida
11. Colorado
12. Virginia
13. Pennsylvania
14. Wisconsin
15. Ohio
16. West Virginia
17. Hawaii

6 Things You've Done Today...
1. Made myself a sandwich.
2. Read blogs.
3. Got my physio done.
4. Actually got on the treadmill and worked on it for a good 25 minutes.
5. Slept at 830 a.m.
6. Spoke to M after too long.

5 Favorite Things...
1. Dave Mathews Band.
2. Hot Showers.
3. Talking to S.
4. Travelling.
5. Drawing.

4 Things You Want:
1. To fly a plane.
2. Buy a ship.
3. Own an island.
4. Marry S.

3 Favorite Colors...
1. Blue
2. Red
3. Purple

2 things you want to do before you die...
1. Write a complete book of my life and also write a screen play of it.
2. Travel the whole world and visit every nook and corner, climb mountains, cross rivers and seas.

1 thing you regret...
1. I've lived my life and done every thing that i ever wanted. No regrets.

treadomilophobia

my physio therapist believes that it's time for me to get on the treadmill.
he thinks that i need to start exercising regularly on the machine,
so my leg muscles relax and my limb gets used to particular movements.

my problem with this whole idea is that i'm scared of treadmills.

i have never been on one.
ever.
but i have seen people run and walk on it,
and i feel that i will do a very bad of running or even walking on it.
it's ridiculous.
why do i need to walk on a machine to relax my muscles when i can walk on earth.

why?

i tried to make a deal with my physio therapist (dr. brit.)
i said to him that i will walk triple the time that he wants me to spend on the goddamned treadmill,
but he refuses to listen to me.

i hate doctors and their logic.
i have always hated them.
i don't get them.

anyway.

so 2 days ago i was sitting with my boys after tea and just hanging out when one of them suggested that i should get on the treadmill with them and i profusely refused.
they kept saying we will pick you up and take you there and i kept saying dont you dare fucking even try.

eventually 2 of them came and picked me up and put me on the treadmill and wouldn't let me get off it.
i tried to get out of it and complained for half hour after which i gave up.
they started the damn thing and kept telling me how to work on it.

after struggling and juggling and fumbling for about 20 minutes on the thing,
i told them that's it for my first day and i got off.

today,
when i went to get my physio done dr brit decided i don't need to get physio anymore for a while and i am going to be working on the treadmill for the next few days,
which i know for sure will turn in to weeks.

hmmph.

so i got on the treadmill,
and for the first 15 minutes or so he taught me how to work with my feet when the belt starts moving.
and then he switched it on.
i struggled with it for a long time.
i cannot get the hang of it,
and most importantly,
i don't know how to balance myself while walking when the ground beneath me is moving.

it scares the hell out of me.
please don't think that i'm a freak.
i'm not.
i promise.

i have hardly gotten used to standing up on my own feet and walking confidentally.
i need time.
i will get used to this daymned machine.

i worked on it for over an hour in total today.
it was uncomfortable and annoying and irritating at times but i know i need to do it.
i have to do it.
i even googled treadmills and amputations and artificial legs today,
and read up on it.
it seems to have worked for so many people.

i will get used to it too.
it requires hard work,
but with a life like mine,
what doesn't require hard work?

the culture of sweepresses

there is one thing that our culture has that none other does.
and that is the sweepress who comes to our house.

they are different,
but they are all the same.

every single house has one of them.
if you have never been to Pakistan,
read on and you will know what you guys are missing out on.
and what is the one thing that all of us have in common,
without even having to try.

this is the story of every house every morning in Pakistan.

they arrive at our house at around 9 am.
some houses at 10 am.

they have this special gift.
a very very VERY high pitched voice.

as soon as they arrive,
it is all about the sweeping and the yelling.
the screaming.
the arguing.
the discussions of their life (and others) with our mothers or more commonly with our grandmothers.

all of them have the same story, the same hurt, the same truth, the same life.

1. a husband who is a drug addict and doesn't do anything for a living.
2. their house which is so small that it cannot fit a family of 10 anymore, which includes their 8 children and the couple.
3. the husband who beats her up every day if she doesn't give him money.
4. how she doesn't want anymore kids but the husband wants a son so they're trying again after seven girls, and that is why she is pregnant again for the 4th time in the 3 years that she has been working for you.

then there is a new story every day of our strange neighbors (because every sweepress works for atleast 7-8 houses in the same locality or her 6 daughters work at 6 different houses in the same locality or community.)

those kind of stories normally are about:

1. neighbors' guests who are visiting from abroad. (mainly the U.S. or U.K.)
2. the neighbor is so stingy, and she doesn't pay her well at all.
3. how much the neighbors spent on their son/daughters wedding recently. (the systematic break down of cost and expenses is discussed.)
4. the neighbors new daughter-in-law who is so spoilt.
to support the judgement a detailed account of her daily routine is listed down.

she gets up at 10 am.
then she orders breakfast.
she eats and watches tv.
she goes in for a shower.
she takes the driver and goes God knows where all.
and then comes back late in the evening when her husband is about to return from work.

5. how the world is changing and how the society has changed and the environment is just not suitable for girls to go out alone anymore.
6. neighbors childrens school results/their new jobs/their daughters proposals etc.


these women are a very essential part of our culture.
it's almost impossible to live without them,
and absolute hell to live with them.

the worst day is sunday,
especially if you've had a rough previous week.
that's the one day that we decide to sleep until late in the afternoon,
and we instruct everyone not to wake us up for breakfast, lunch, tea, war etc.
but we forget the most important person.

argh.

she enters the room,
starts cleaning up and begins a running commentary.
she continues to talk to herself complaining about the mess.
the worst time is when she switches off the fan,
and starts sweeping the floor,
well aware of the face that there is a living person.
sleeping right. there.

then she goes to the washroom.
you hear the flush.
you hear things falling/being thrown.
you hear water running continously.

this goes on for a good 20 minutes.
when you are wide awake,
almost at the verge of killing yourself or screaming,
you see them coming out of the washroom with their equipment.
making their exit from the room.

&%$&^%@*!^&*^#$%$#%

fragile dreams

i miss everyone.
i miss mum and dad the most.
i miss them every day and i think about them every day but last night..
you know when sometimes you miss someone so much and you just wish that they could come in front of you or you could just fly to them?
that is how i was missing mum and dad yesterday.

i was trying to remember what the last thing was that we had said to each other.
but i just couldn't remember.
i remember mum shedding some tears and saying be safe.
i have no clue what last words dad and i exchanged.
maybe we didn't exchange any words because we're both men of few words.
(to which dads wife and my wife-to-be, both would disgaree strongly.)

last night as i lay down and closed my eyes,
i was thinking about mum and dad.
i wanted to write to them,
but i lay down to sleep instead.

as i closed my eyes..
my subconscious woke up,
and in my subconscious mind..
i opened my eyes,
and i saw mum sitting in front of me on my bed and dad was sitting on a chair to my right side.
the setting was as is of my present room.
and since it was my subconscious,
i knew that they weren't alive.
they were just visiting me.

as soon as i saw mum i smile and i say "what are you doing here?"
and she says "you were missing us:)"

i start getting up when mum holds my hand and says dont get up.
i say no i can get up it's okay.
and i get up and sit up and mum looks at me and she comes forward and kisses my forehead and hugs me.
i know she's crying.
i'm crying too.

dad gets up and puts his hand on my right arm and tells mum buss karo. (stop it)
she keeps holding my hand but lets go of the hug,
and dad asks me kya haal hai. (how are you?)
and i look at him and say i'm okay.
he wanted to leave after that,
when i say dont go?
dad gets teary eyed and sits back down in the seat.

i ask them about every single person.
i ask about every one name by name,
and they tell me that everyone is okay.

after asking about everyone,
i look at mum and smile because she's wearing pants and her usual express shirt.
i ask her "mum, Allah mian (God) lets you wear pants up there?"
hahaha
and they both laugh and dad says "bilkul nahin badlaa" ("hasn't changed a bit")

i look at dad and i say "how am i going to do everything alone?"
and all he says is "seekh lo gay" (you'll learn) and sits back in his chair.

i shake my head because he hasn't changed either and i hate it and he keeps smiling.

then mum asks me how i'm doing,
and i show her that i can move my right arm and my leg.
and i take a glass in my hand and show her that i can hold it,
and look my hand isn't even shaking.
and then i tell them that i shaved myself yesterday.
mum is happy and crying all this time.

and then i ask mum to utho (get up) and sit on the chair next to dad i want to show you something.
and she gets up,
and i take the blanket off me and i show them my new leg.

dad was a doctor.
he gets up immediately and starts looking at the leg,
inspecting its every detail.
and i say "dad its fine.
"i have good doctors.
sit down i want to show you one more thing."

and i stand up slowly and mum starts crying harder and i look at her and i say "mum abhee nahin i'm not done yet.
"cry aik he dafaa:)" (mum, not so soon, i'm not done yet. cry once i'm done)

and i start walking slowly.
i walk around the room taking little steps.
i didn't want to fall down,
or even wobble.
that's why i took really tiny steps.

and after 5 minutes,
i came and sat back in front of them and even dad had tears in his eyes.
i smile and i say "mum? dads crying!"
hahahaha

mum hugged me for soooo long after that.
and the best thing about it?

it was real.
i felt it.

i felt her hugging me.
i felt it when she kissed my forehead.
i felt it when she was holding my hand.
i felt it when dad put his hand on my arm.

then dad got up and said "acha buss" (okay that's it)
and then he brought his hand forward and i shook his hand.
he keeps holding my hand in his and says "you will be fine.
"you are my son.
"you will learn what you dont know.
"and what you do know, you know too much of it.
"you will learn along the way.
"meri beti (he calls S his beti) ko tung nahin karnaa zaada." (don't mess with my daughter too much)

mum kept crying so hard (as usual) she could hardly speak.
she kissed my forehead,
and i closed my eyes.

when i opened my eyes again,
i was here.
and i was crying.

the week that was!

it's been a hectic last 2 weeks or so.
the nights have been too long.
rich finally managed to get a hold of everyone who is important to my life that will be.
since everyone's scattered around the world,
i have the pleasure of sitting in front of a flat screen,
video conferencing with men in the U.S. & London.

the meetings begin at 8pm every day and they could last from 3 hours to sometimes 6 hours at a stretch.
have we reached any conclusion in 2 weeks?
it has been a lot of hard work,
which has required extreme amounts of patience.
patience that i lost in the first 3 meetings,
and i came out livid..disturbed...disappointed...sometimes feeling defeated..
but then i learnt.
rich spoke to me and told me how to sit in there and deal with crap.

rich is a good guy.
he knows how to handle me,
and how to talk to me.
he gives it to me straight and that's always better.

but sometimes what even he doesn't understand is that it's over-whelming for one man to have so many strangers around trying to take control of his life.
a life that..
that i'm still struggling with.
a life that i'm still learning to hold on to and not let it go.

every night starting at 8 pm,
there sits a panel of men fighting over me.
my life.
not because they care.
but for what it's worth.

it's been going on for 2 weeks now,
and not once has anyone asked me "so what do you want?"
not once.

i guess that is okay too.
i trust rich.
i have left everything completely up to him.

i do what i have to do.
rich does what he has to do.

what do i have to do?
get better for myself and S.

i got my surgery done and i went to india and the doctor there worked with me and helped me get use to the leg.
ever since ive gotten back,
i have been working with my leg..
sometimes i'd walk.
take small..little baby steps.
as i was getting more comfortable,
my steps became more confident.

day before yesterday,
14th august..it rained and the weather was great.
i went in the kitchen and made pakoraas for everyone.
we sat outside,
we had yummy pakoraas and chae,
and then i got up and i walked on my own with my boys for 45 minutes.
:D

after 2 years and 3 months,
i walked on my own 2 legs.
for 45 minutes.
without any support.

i told my baby and she asked me,
and she always asks me "so how did it feel?"
i wish i could tell her what i felt.
i wish i have the words to explain.
but i dont because words will not do justice to the feelings.

with every step that i take..
be it a baby step or a big step,
i think of my parents.
before getting up,
i always look up say a prayer,
and tell mum and dad to look at me.

so they know that i'm okay.
and even if i'm not,
i will be.
i've come this far,
i think i might just be able to go all the way:)

yesterday i walked for half hour again.
my walks getting better.
im becoming more confident.
i've started taking slightly more big steps now.
i still have a long way to go..
my doctor ordered a treadmill yesterday.

he wants me to get on it as soon as it comes.
he walks with me for as long as i walk,
and then he does my physio therapy.
he's concentrating more on my left part of the body.

he works with my arm and my fingers for one hour every day.
after these meetings are finished,
he said he would increase the time because my body is responding well and he can get much better result out of me.

he doesn't want to put too much stress on my body right now.
the meetings are enough stress,
even if i don't feel it or show it alot.

my right hand is working mashallah great now.
when i hold a glass it doesn't shake.
but i'm a lefty,
and my left hand doesn't work as freely for me right now.

today i wanted to shave myself,
and i was working with my right hand..which didn't make anything easy,
but it was fun.
it took me 25 minutes to shave but i loved it.

loved it!

i did my own tootee phootee shave.
i don't even remember when was the last time i shaved.

:)


that is my update.
for everyone who read my blog and is horrified and is in shock,
please remember me in your prayers.
the reason i started blogging was to share my life with as many people as i could.
i want people to know that...life is hard.
life is difficult.
but what in the world would we go on for if we had it all?

a note to God

one of the sweetest things that i have ever read and heard,
i want to share it with all of you.
its a little note my baby wrote.

Dear God,
I pray that You make everything easy for me. I know it's all in Your control, hence You're the only One who can help:)
Make life easy. And if You can't, make me stronger than I've ever been and let me achieve everything I've ever wanted to achieve.
Bless me. Bless my baby. Bless my family.
Bless our family.
All my love,
Sarah.
x

my firsts:)

my first word was "mum" (for mother and water both) which always created confusion in the house as to whether i need my mother or water. hahah

my first friend was an imaginery friend that i made; he had no name, i used to call him "yaar" :)

my first real friend, was eric.
i met him the first day we arrived in the U.S..
mum and dad were unpacking and settling things in the house and i was sitting outside and i saw him across the road staring at me.
he crossed the road and sat down with me without saying a word.
we became friends that day.
we were 4 then.
i lost him last year...along with everyone else..
(the answer of "how" if you haven't been following is in one of the few previous posts.)

my first day in school,
i made friends with all the girls in my grade.
when mum came to get me i refused to go home.
hahah
mum told me once the conversation went something like "its time to go home sweetie"
and i was going "no no no no.
"you go home.
" i want to stay here with my girls."
:)

my first bike was a blue four-wheeler that dad got for me for my birthday which i loved.
i loved it.
i used to ride on it every single day,
and i used to wash it every single day with mums liquid detergents.
i had put it in a closet in the garage for my kids.
unfortunately,
a part of my house caught fire last year and garage was one of them.
so i'm guessing that i've lost my bike too..amongst so many other things.

my first job was at a mcdonalds close to my house.
i worked there from 4pm-9pm.

my first pay-ckeck was $15.

my first purchase with my own money was a chocolate bar for mum.
she loved chocolate.
and a hair brush from the $ store for dad so when he leaves the house in a rush without brushing his hair,
there is a brush in the car for him
hahahah

my first sharaarat in the house from what i recall was when i put shampoo in dads cereal for breakfast hahahah
he choked on his cereal,
and when he coughed little bubbles were coming out of his mouth.
and i was looking at him with my eyes wide open and my mouth wide open whispering to myself "dad is making bubbles"
hahahahah

my first sharaarat out of the house was when my friend zak and i used to enter our neighbors houses from their back doors,
open their fridge and steal their food and run out!
hahahah

my first harsh punishment was when i had to write 200 times "i will never make bubbles in dads food again,"
100 times i had to write "i am sorry,"
and i was grounded which meant no cartoons.
no zak.
no eric.
no bike.
no icecream.
in bed at 7pm.

my first car was a camry.
i loved my car.
loved loved loved!
i washed it and polished it every sunday.

my first F was in Math in the 5th grade.

my first crush was my senior,
cyndi.

my first kiss was when i was 14,
julie.
:)

my first date we went for ice-cream and then to the movies and kissed through most of it.

my first cigarrette was marlboro reds when i was 15.

my first drink was vodka straight up when i was 16.

my first drug was when i was 16.

my first dance with a girl was with my mother at a party in our house when i was 13:)

my first toy was an airplane that dad got for me from Orlando.

my first trip to disneyland was when i was 5.

my first summer in pakistan is this year.

my first day in college i hated it and didn't attend half of my classes.

my first time in a plane was when we moved to the U.S. i was 4.

my first lecture from mum was when i got an F in math.

my first lecture from dad was on prom night.
hahaha

my first fight was with my friend eric and he punched me in the stomach and i fell.

my first slap and all the rest that followed came from mum.
the first came when she was daant ree me and as soon as she turned i took out my tongue,
and it was still out and i was making faces at her and she turned back and saw me.
hahahah

my first jootaa from mum ofcourse,
came when i mixed some keechur in mums cake mix.
she baked it and served it to her friends at tea and when the cake tasted "different" i was called and asked and very innocently i told her and ran
mum threw the jootaa at me from behind,
but she missed me.
she always had a bad aim.
hahahahaha

my first love,
sarah:)

still standing

i am a little like this picture right now.
destroyed and hurt from everywhere,
yet holding my fort..
my ground.
for something..for someone.

music to my ears

i've had a very rough week,
which will continue to be so for a few more days.
the details i will write soon,
not in the mood at the moment.

and yesterday i heard strings song "zinda"
what a great song.

i closed my eyes,
and i felt better after listening to it.

i also finished the first season of LOST.
starting season 2 from tonight if i have the time.

i'm not sure what the world is coming to.

i had some time to watch tv,
and as i was flipping through the channels,
all that i could hear was "terrorism"
"war"
"crisis"
"code red"
"bombs"
"attacks"
"fighting"
"death toll"

the world was never this unsafe a place to be in,
was it?

our nation was never this lost,
was it?
i wonder what the future of this country is.

i think the question should be,
is there a future?

i have never seen a nation more disillusioned than ours.
i dont know who to blame.
our parents and grandparents or my own generation,
and the new one.

i haven't lived here in a long time.
that is why i know it could be better.
we could be better.
things could be better.

noone wants to stand up and take responsibilty.
not because they cannot,
but because they dont want to.

everyone is living their life.

people dont like to work as part of a team.
the perfect example of that would be our cricket team.
that 11 member "team" defines this nation as a whole,
and i have one word for them and all of us.

disgraceful.

we are a disgrace to our fathers and grandfathers.
we are a disgrace to the millions of people who sacrificed their lives to give us this country.
we are a disgrace to our home; Pakistan.

and if anyone questions me and says why can't i start?


i will.
inshallah.

i just need a little time to be okay,
and then inshallah i will.
i dont know where i will start from,
but i do know that i want to make a difference.
i want to make a family of this nation.
noone knows better than me what it feels like to lose a family and people you love the most.
and there is no home if there is no family and friends.

and i want to make a home.

tangled up in blue

since i still have not finished my story and i have dragged it long enough i thought i should atleast finish what i had started.

so...i was travelling by ship and i was approximately 4 weeks away from reaching south africa when i was informed of what had happened.
we stopped at an island for a few days because i had to stay in touch with fish.
there were little and big things that had to be taken care of.
my house was completely empty,
and my boss whom i respect and admire greatly did me a huge favor by moving the D.C. office to my home so that the house stays in use.

there were funerals to be arranged.
there was paper work that had to be completed.
my father had left a will,
that had to be sorted out.

there was bank work.
money transfering..
so much work.
and i wasn't there.

fish and i worked together on the phone on an hourly basis,
and he took care of every little thing for me.
and i am so grateful to him for everything that he has done,
and still does for me.

he didn't have to,
and he still doesn't have to..
but he does.

after all that was taken care of,
everything changed.

i had no reason to go to south africa anymore.
i didn't know anyone there.
so we kept travelling.

my friend C was still with me.
after a couple of months,
there were people who were looking for me,
and they got to our ship and took me.
since fish had already told me,
and he had said to me that i will take care of you..
i was ready for them.

they came and took me.
we kept travelling too,
and after a few weeks we got to karachi.
from there,
i was finally on land,
and in a place which was more or less my country..
even if i hadn't lived here for the past 20 odd years.

a whole lot of shit happened after that.
i was moved from one place to the next for "security purposes."

also do keep in mind that i'm still paralyzed.
unable to move even an inch of my fingers.

there was a time when men came with baseball bats,
and hit me with it until there was blood coming out of my mouth..
my stomach.
they would hit me and hit me...
and i'd be lying there unable to move if i wanted to..
waiting to die....
hoping to die..
and i just wouldn't.

and you're wondering so where was the security then?

beats me.

shit like this,
and worse went on for about 7 months after which one fine day they just left me.

where was fish in all this?

he was having issues with his bosses,
he wanted to help me,
and everything was back firing.
he got in to lots of shit because of this after which he was removed from the case and was sent to some unknown place.

i know it was fucked up.
it still is.


so...
i was left all alone to rot and die eventually,
but clearly that didn't happen.

what happened after that was that there is another intelligence agency following up on my case,
and they came and got me and saved me.
(i'm sorry i cannot mention any names and i dont for...obvious reasons:))

their boss is this guy whom we call rich.

he's a good guy.
he's straight forward.
gives it to me as it is.
he doesn't play games with me.

(yes, i'm still with them.
it's not over.
not just yet.)


i have been with these guys for about 5-6 months now,
and...
it has been good.
rich has not promised me anything.
but his boys take care of me.

i haven't gotten beaten in 6 months time,
which feels not so bad:)


so to conclude...my life as it stands today?

it's been an i dont know for so long.
nothings certain.
i dont know anything for sure.

but i do know that i am in good hands.
i do believe that this mess that i am in will end one day.

i am focusing on standing up on my own feet.
i know that i am getting better.
i know that i will get all better really really soon inshallah.
i know God listens to me.
i know i love my baby.
i know that i will see her really soon.
i know that i will go to her house and ask her ami abu if i can take their daughter away.

and i know that she and i will make a home.
together.

smelly delhi

i'm sitting in delhi right now.
arrived here in the afternoon for a complete checkup and some tests and the go-ahead from my doctor to start walking and very soon after that dancing on my new leg!

the moment you land in this country,
there is a strange smell.
v. strange.
it's nothing personal against any indian,
but seriously yaar these indians need to start cleaning up their country.
again,
it's nothing personal.

anyway,
so i got here at 3ish my time.
it was a fun trip with my doctor,
my brit physio therapist and 2 boys for security purposes.
for the most part we were discussing the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which was shown on starworld last night.
if you guys didn't catch it,
you don't know what you missed.

Godday-om!

(baby if you're reading this, iloveyou i promise:))

the ride to the hospital was long but thank God for some great music.

it was very great jee very great *shaking my head indian style*

got to the hospital and my doctor was very pleased to see me and my progress.
he ran some tests,
some results i got back other i will get later.
but the good news is that he said i'm good to walk.
so yay!:)

he spent 4 hours with me and taught me different ways of standing up,
putting my leg down,
learning to balance,
holding my stance...
little things which you people don't even realize while standing and walking and jumping around.
:)

no need to feel bad all you people.
inshallah in a month or two i will be one of all you people too.

since the doctor did all the tests today,
all day tomorrow and day after i will be working with my new leg.
and when i come back on sunday,
i will be able to atleast balance myself.
even if i'm not perfect at standing up,
atleast i will be standing up on my own,
and on my own two feet.

so yay! again.:)
as from the sound of this post,
yes i'm happy.

little things make me happy.
the fashion show last night,
the very great music,
my good test results,
my adsense approval (i dont know how big of deal that is, but i'm still happy i got approved for it!),
the internet access in my room for an hour,
and now us boys will watch LOST.
(if you guys haven't watched the show, watch it. it's A MUST.)

oh and btw!
justins new song is very great jee very great *shaking my head indian style again*
everyone must listen.


i'm happy:)

and i don't have much time left now.
so i gatta go.

but when i am okay to get up and dance,
you know which song (amongst many many others) i'm going to dance to with my baby?

"Well i'm ready for ya
Come let me show ya
You want to groove im'a show you how to move
Come come" :)

first day of a new month

its the 1st today.
1st August.
it's our anniversary today:)

it's been 4 and a half years.
mashallah.

4 and a half years...

i was 24.
she was 20.

now she is 24.
i am 28 (much to my dislike.)

our birthdays are 2 days apart.
i am november 26.
she is november 28.

4 and a half years of a roller coaster ride.
it is a hell of a long time to be with someone..
and love them just as much as you did day 1,
if not more.


so what do we do on our anniversary?

we've been together so long,
now we just try to be nice to each other,
not to fight,
not to have a mood kharaab,
not be a sarroo barroo,
to not make a boothee at every thing,
and well...
just behave.
:)

if anything goes wrong,
that is how we manaao each other.
"baby aaj nahin na, its our day"
hahah

1st of every month is our day.
it has always been,
and it always will be.

it's nice.
it's a great.
it's something everyone should experience once in their lifetime.

it can end with tears.
it can end with smiles.

but who cares?
everything hurts.
and little things make us happy.
and the ones that make us happy are the ones that we remember.

we smile through the tears,
and that's what matters.

it's a wonderful feeling..
of loving and being loved back.

i'm blessed and i pray God bless everyone.