completely incomplete.

it's 140am, and i have a feeling it is going to be a long night.
why?

i'm not too sure.
the past few days have been....i dont know what the word is for the past few days but..
i know i'm sad.
really sad.

nothing has happened.

there are just too many feelings.
emotions.
conflicting thoughts.
way too many of them.

there is too much at stake.


i want answers.
i dont need them.

i want them.

i always question.
i always have questioned.

everything.

the answers hurt me at times too.
but i still like to question, expecting an answer.

what is life.
why am i where i am and not some place else.
why did they say that.
why did they think that.
why is everyone fighting.
why is there so much suffering.

why is there so much hatred.


what is hatred.

i dont know.

i dont like that word.
it's too strong for me.

i have seen and faced and heard and experinced the harsh.
but i cannot hate.
i dont want to hate.

cowards hate.

i'm not a coward.

but i'm not the bravest either.

i can face.
i can see.
i can hear.
i can experience.
i can suffer.

i have done.

but i have also held my ground.

i am brave.
i am strong.

He gives me strength.

who is He.



He is God.


What is God.
Who is God.

everyone has a different God.
everyone has a different faith.
everyone has a different belief.


my God is that little voice within me.

my God who keeps telling me to go on just a little bit longer.
my God who keeps telling me that my life isn't my own only.

what is life.

it's a journey.
it's an experience.
it's pain.
it's suffering.
it's being.

it's a moment.


and in this moment.....i'm lost.

another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.

haven't written in the longest time because was not feeling well at all.
still not well, but there is nothing better than writing.
it has always helped me every time.

so getting back to my story;
mum decided to tell dad about her.
i would have told him myself, but he was just never home. he has always been busy with his hospital, and his patients have always been his priority.
not saying that it was a bad thing, and im not complaining about it.
thats just how it always was with him, and noone seemed to mind it or get bothered by it, so be it.
so mum told dad, and he decided to speak to me.

tells me that i have a cousin in pindi (a city in Pakistan), who is my phuphos (adopted) daughter,
and for 4 years my grandparents have been interested in me getting married to her.
but my dad told them that its too soon for him to get married,
he's only 20, we'll think about it and then we will move forward.

and now my dad tells me this, when mum has brought up her friends daughters.
and my grandparents were coming to visit us, and they were bringing the ring for me, and they want me to say yes, so that we could get married later.

i remember that when dad was telling me all this, i was staring at him. this is not my father talking.
my father has never stopped me from doing anything.
i have lived the most independent and sometimes (read most of the times) fucked up life as a teenager,and the following years, and he has never told me what to do.
never.

and this is that same man telling me not in so many words that i cannot say no?
to marriage?

something that he very well knows that i have never wanted to do.and now that this whole drama starts, he brings up a family secret, and expects me to fulfill all dreams.well knowing that...for the first time in my life, i am so completely in love with this girl, who he knows mind you, is the best thing thats ever happened to me and he is saying to me that there is a ring coming, and i have to accept that?

it was fucked up.
i find out that there is my cousin.
whom i have seen yes, but never exchanged more than a hello with.

and my family was expecting me to marry this girl.
everyone in my family knew i was with someone already,and not just fooling around.
they were well aware of the seriousness of the relationship.

and lived in the states and grown up there i was alien to the idea of this kind of marriage,and there were so many mixed emotions within me.
it was one of the most frustrating times of my life.

family on one hand.
her on the other.

i just didnt know what kept hitting me over and over and over and over again.
i have never been good with emotions, and i have always run away from things, and difficult times.

if i couldnt run away, i would use alcohol and drugs to be away from it all.
i didnt want to go back to drugs, so i chose to run away.
or atleast i tried.

i left home.
i left her.

i didnt say a goodbye, but i told her everything that was going around.
she knew each and every little detail.
i didnt hide a single thing from her.
thats not how we were, and hiding or keeping something from her was a thought that never even crossed my mind.

i told her she can email me when she wants to.
she can call me when she wants to,
and ill be right here with her.

and i packed my bag, and i left home.
didnt say goodbye to anyone.

ive learnt over the years that im scared of goodbyes.
they've never turned out good for me.

i went to my college in an attempt to finish off my thesis in some fucked up way possible.

instead.

i just lay in my bed all day.
kept thinking and thinking and thinking and trying to make sense of something.
any one thing.

maybe even her.
how did she come in my life.
how far we had come.
where were we heading.
are we even headed somewhere or is it a dead end.

everything happened so fast.
everything was still happening so fast.

or maybe it was just that thats how things happen,
and im just not used to living like this?


there was an urge for things.

so strong.

i remember even getting out of my bed, and going to his room to ask for whatever he has then.
anything.


anything that would make the pain go away.

but for some reason, i turned back.

if i do it once,
this once,
there is no turning back.
ever.

i turned back thinking of her.

i lay down again.
closed my eyes and i saw her face.

the pain always goes when i see her face.

:)


i checked my mail and she had asked me to come online and speak to her.
i had about a million mails from her.

i went online after 3 days and spoke to her.


it felt like i was breathing after years.

i was calm again.



it was the nicest conversation we had.

she was lost.
she was miserable.
she had been crying and crying and was sick of it.
she said she couldn't let me go.
she said this too shall pass.

i wanted to believe her.

i think i believed her.


i believed her.

i knew it was us that was meant to be together.
noone else.
nothing else.

it hurt, but we started talking again.
we made each other laugh and we were happy and so in love.
it made the hurt go away.

things kept happening.

my grandfathers condition worsened,
and my whole family wanted me to get married before something happened to him.
he wanted to see his grandson married.

my grandparents who were living with us said that we will not go back without me.
which meant, if i go back with them, i have said yes and i get married to my cousin.

things were going from bad to worse on one hand.
and on the other hand,
it was but.....just love.

dream yourself a dream come true.

so valentines was here.
how did i spend it?

well...to put it in simple words...it was by far.
the crappiest valentines ever.
not because i didnt have a valentine.

she asked me if ill be her valentine,
and i had the biggest ever smile on my face and i said ofcourse.

:)

so on the 13th we started speaking at 7pm when she got home,
and we talked and we talked and we talked and we talked till 330ish in the morning.
she had work in the morning at 9,
but since it was valentines we spoke all night.

what did we talk about all night?

we almost ended our relationship in the middle.

(what brought that on, as i move along, you will wonder why or how exactly are they still working this relationship.)

then talked our way through it.
i was upset.
she got upset.
i made her cry.
we talked.

realized things.

reminded each other what it means for us to be together.
and the reasons that we have come this far.

i was so upset that i fell sick and i threw up 10 times during all this time that we were talking,
and i could feel fever too.
at 3ish,
my stomach started to hurt,
and i could hardly speak,
and i told her ill call her back i have a bad stomach ache and i cannot speak.

i was so sick i couldnt call her back and i knew she had gone to sleep either way.
i went to the washroom,
threw up,
and my stool had blood in it.
i was rushed to the hospital at 7am.
i was given sedatives and i went to sleep.
when i woke up at 5pm i knew i had to message her somehow and tell her where i am.
i text'd her and told her im at the hospital and will be back home soon and will speak to her in a little while,
and when i switched on the cell phone, i had 6 messages from her, which had started off with a good and happy iloveyou baby,
and the last message said i know you dont even love me anymore.

:)



i got home at 930 maybe 10.
i called her at 1030 maybe 11 at night on valentines day after being away the whole day.
:P

not impressive at all i know.
ya think?


so that was valentines day.

*hmmph*

f that shit.
"every day is valentines day for us."

thats what i actually said to her.
those were my exact words.

cheesy.

yes yes i know.

but true.

:)

so that was to catch up on the recent happenings.


to pick up the past from where i left;
so....slowly the whole mum and her friends daughter and other girls situation cooled down.
not as easily as im writing it.

there was a lot of uncomfortable silences.
awkward moments at home.
arguments.
raging tempers.

something which was so new to my home.

we are 3 people in that house.

mum.
dad.
me.

us 3 complete our little home.
we are the family.

we never fought.
we never had silent moments.
we never had bad tempers.

we were away from our homeland and family,
and my parents built this tiny family of mine with loads and loads of love.

i grew up watching my parents being so affectionate towards each other,
in the most subtle and sweet way possible.

i took from that.

i am more affectionate and sensitive than most men are.
maybe because i was around my mother most of my childhood,
and...since she always wanted a daughter and never had one,
i got all the daughterly affection,
and the sonly cusses.

i hated that period.
hated it.

i started staying out of the house alot.
as it is, i was out of the house, and i hardly ever came home.
my friends never knew where i was, and there was no way of getting in touch with me.
since that's how it always was with me,
noone even dared to think that i should have a cell phone or a pager,
or something of the sort.

but when i came back from pakistan,
and i was working on my thesis,
i would come home as often as i could.
i was different when i came back,
a nice different.

i realized that i had missed home.

i had missed my mother.
i had missed my father.

i had missed my family.

:)



it took a while for the circumstances to be okay,
and for mum and dad and me to be okay around each other.


it took a long time for things to come back to normal.
and yet.
after that summer, nothing ever became normal.

noone knows except the both of us..

( i wrote this blog yesterday but my cable went down. which means that she's coming back tonight! spoke to her last night, and she wasnt doing well at all. my baby is sick :(. i hope she feels better when she wakes up today.)


she's coming back tomorrow. yay!:)
im sooooo happy.
i somehow managed to get past these 4 days. couldnt have done this without my brother. my brother, there is lots and lots and lots to come of my brother, so i wont say anything about that yet. but would like to thank my brother (M) here, without whom these 4 days would have been more miserable and longer than they already were. its always nice to talk to M. we're....one and the same and she hates it at times. most of the times. yes.we have the same annoying habits. and yes, she was friends with my brother first. strange, complicated story, which ill explain later when its time.

coming back to us, our first summer was here.
everything was going great.
perfect.
we're the happiest two people, crazy in love, and nothing can come between us.
and yet, something did.

mum went to visit her friends in L.A. and over there she met her friends daughters and few other girls and really liked them. for me. she called me and then she came back, and discussed it with me, well knowing that there was already someone in my life whom i was serious about. for the first time in my 24 years i. was. serious. i had never come across such a situation before, and i freaked out completely, emailed her, told her everything, and said to her that after reading all this, whatever decision you make, i will be okay with it. we spoke about it (IM ofcourse), got upset. cried.
we were both hurt. we knew what we were being forced to do just wasnt right.
whats right is us.
her and me together.

it was a feeling that we had never felt before.
it was love that we never knew about, and had never experienced before, and knew that we would never feel it again. i knew from the beginning that there was something about this girl.
i dont know, and i still dont know what it is about her, but something that pulls you towards her like a magnet. it is so strong that you cannot turn your face away from it even if you tried.

we didn't say our goodbyes.
we didn't breakup, but i became clearly distant.
i didnt know how to react.

me, a guy who never took a girl seriously. had a girl at all times, but it was always her making the effort, never me.
no commitment.

with her, it was different.
everything was different.
a strange kind of different.
a crazy kind of different.
a scary kind of diferent.

i didnt know what i was feeling, but i knew it felt good.
it felt right.

it gave me happiness that i wasnt aware of.
it gave me a sense of responsibility.

i wanted to take care of her.
i wanted to keep taking care of her.
maybe even for the rest of my life....

she gave me things i never had before.
she gave me love.
she gave me hope.
she gave me faith.
and the best of them all...

she gave me peace.

there are oceans in between us..

i spoke to her last night on IM, and she has shopped and shopped and shopped and shopped and then shopped some more. i tried calling her too, but there were some robotic sounds in the background which made it impossible for her to hear me, so me moved back to IM.
she's coming back in 2 days. so yay!:)

so coming to the how it all started.
i went back to D.C. (thats where ive lived and grown up.) i left on valentines day, and she agreed to be my valentine:) we stayed in touch through email and IM, thinking that ofcourse it will fizzle out. i mean, who are we kidding here? long distance, email, chats, and that's it.
but we sure as hell were in for a roller coaster ride. after i went back, in one of the IM chats, she told me that she was falling in love with me after a couple of months of us chatting.
(when i was in Lahore, we never met. we didnt even speak on the phone.)
i was already a little in love with her, and mum and all my friends had noticed a change in me ever since i had returned. days went by, and.....i kept falling in love with her.
i dont know what it was, and what it is. it's just her.
just the way that she is.
i found it harder and harder to pass my day without her.

i came back and decided to finish my thesis, and started working on it.
she had finished her bachelors, and she found her first job.

we wrote to each other every single day.
spoke every single day.
i had to travel alot because of my thesis.

days kept passing by.
months kept passing by.

we had been together 6 months.

6 months.

the longest relationship we had both been in.
ever.
it was strange.
it was nice.
it was weird.
it was awkward.

it was love.

we havent met.
we havent spoken on the phone.
we havent seen each other.

we had each others words.
and we both fell in love.

it was a different kind of love.

patient little purple bug!

i first saw her email address when i was visiting pakistan, in one of my cousins email forwards and loved it. there were hundreds of addresses, but that one struck me.
there was something about it.
i asked my cousin to add it on her IM list.
everyday id wait for it to logon.
i waited almost 2 weeks when one day my cousin shouted "your address is online!"
and i ran to the pc,
and the screen name had been changed from "patient little purple bug" to "SecretOceanOfCoralBlue."

*hands shaking*
*heartbeat so fast*

i knew i had to message with an open ended question, and not just a hello.
i might not get a reply to that.

smiling,
i typed "why did you change your nick?" and pressed enter.
10 seconds later, i got a reply!

:)

that was 4 years and 11 days ago.
she had turned 20,
i had turned 24,
2 months back.

today,
she is 24,
and i am 28,
and we've been together since that day when i IM'ed her.

details of everything i will tell you in every post bit by bit.
cannot write it in one post because its 4 years i have to narate, and too much that happened every single day.


4 years friends, is a long long long time.

5 days...the countdown begins.

its 3pm and she leaves today at 6pm for dubai with her mother and elder sister.
going for 5 days, returns sunday night and right now is at work, we're messaging off and on with an iloveyou and a kiss and smile, and she says she has no time no time.
she has always been the hectic one, and loves it.
i will miss her.

i have 5 days and nights to spend without her, which are enough to tell you about her and me.
it's an interesting tale, which if most of you dont believe, will be alright.

for right now, i just wanted to open my blogspace and start.