stuck in reverse

i want to be happy.
i want to feel happy.
i want to give my heart just a moment of happiness even.
but i cannot bring myself to feel that.

i'm not sad but i'm not happy.
i don't know what i feel but i'm not okay with the way i feel.
i want to feel better.

things aren't going wrong,
but things aren't going right either.

everyone has become so quiet.
noone talks to anyone anymore.
we are 13 people living in one house,
and we've all become strangers to one another.

i don't know what it is..
but i hope to God that it is only a phase.
i pray to God every day that let it not be a way of us showing that we have been defeated.

i haven't given up yet.
that doesn't mean i'm strong.
i'm not.
i used to be.
but i'm not anymore.

i can only carry myself.
i cannot take 15 other people with me.
i don't want to take that responsibility.

i have my moods.
i have my moments.
i give up.
then i get up again.
it's very easy for me to stumble and fall down.
and i cannot explain what makes me start all over.
but i do.

i'm figuring out what life wants of me.
i'm figuring out what i can give back to life.
i'm trying to figure out the purpose.
not the meaning,
the purpose.

there is a difference.

i realized something today.

i heard a very old song "must've been love" after 3 years,
and i was listening to it and i hated it.
not the song but the pessimissm.

and i realized at that moment that i hate giving up.
i have always seen the glass half full.
always.
i am an optimist.
and that is my curse and my gift i guess:)

the time is 1126.
that is my birthday.
birthdays have always made me uncomfortable.
i don't know why.

i thought of mum and dad today and i cried.
i was missing them.
i miss them.
so much.
i think of them every single day of my life.
and every time i think of them tears come to my eyes.
just like right now..
:)

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse"