The Sound of Music.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

stuck in reverse

i want to be happy.
i want to feel happy.
i want to give my heart just a moment of happiness even.
but i cannot bring myself to feel that.

i'm not sad but i'm not happy.
i don't know what i feel but i'm not okay with the way i feel.
i want to feel better.

things aren't going wrong,
but things aren't going right either.

everyone has become so quiet.
noone talks to anyone anymore.
we are 13 people living in one house,
and we've all become strangers to one another.

i don't know what it is..
but i hope to God that it is only a phase.
i pray to God every day that let it not be a way of us showing that we have been defeated.

i haven't given up yet.
that doesn't mean i'm strong.
i'm not.
i used to be.
but i'm not anymore.

i can only carry myself.
i cannot take 15 other people with me.
i don't want to take that responsibility.

i have my moods.
i have my moments.
i give up.
then i get up again.
it's very easy for me to stumble and fall down.
and i cannot explain what makes me start all over.
but i do.

i'm figuring out what life wants of me.
i'm figuring out what i can give back to life.
i'm trying to figure out the purpose.
not the meaning,
the purpose.

there is a difference.

i realized something today.

i heard a very old song "must've been love" after 3 years,
and i was listening to it and i hated it.
not the song but the pessimissm.

and i realized at that moment that i hate giving up.
i have always seen the glass half full.
i am an optimist.
and that is my curse and my gift i guess:)

the time is 1126.
that is my birthday.
birthdays have always made me uncomfortable.
i don't know why.

i thought of mum and dad today and i cried.
i was missing them.
i miss them.
so much.
i think of them every single day of my life.
and every time i think of them tears come to my eyes.
just like right now..

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse"


Blogger Åsa said...

Very touching. Personally I relate to the ”in limbo” or ”vacuum” feelings you expressed.

October 02, 2006 9:16 PM

Blogger Shephard said...

I think everyone feels that way ... it's a cycle that passes. I'm visiting from Sandra's, and I thought it was a coincidence that you'd be talking about being happy. Every Wednesday, I post from a book called "100 Secrets of Happy People"... it's actually fascinating. You may or may not be interested. Thought I'd share that.

But the real reason I popped in from Sandra's is cuz you said you'd like to know how I did the sphere art. It's so easy. If you have photoshop, it's a 3 step process.
If you're interested, drop me your email and I'll send you the instructions. If you'd rather not do that in email, let me know, and I'll leave the directions in comments here.


October 06, 2006 9:57 PM

Blogger the olive ream said...

Great post in2deep...and how apt the the lyrics of coldplay.

We all feel the same at one time or another..and yes it is a phase, trust me.

October 08, 2006 10:30 PM

Blogger Janet said...

I think everyone has felt this way before, including the members of Roxette. Great song, btw. Great song.

October 09, 2006 5:03 AM

Blogger Pat-Beejni said...


I am new to this blogworld. I came across your post and stopped in my tracks to tell you ... step back...take a deep breath...close your eyes ...give them some rest...just relax... and soon you will find the strength to go on again even if it is limited to carrying yourself thru the shaky times...we all get better at withstanding the harsh with time..

October 15, 2006 1:34 AM

Anonymous Tara said...

I, too, have been searching for purpose.

I get you.

October 15, 2006 4:35 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

where r u? im worried!

October 22, 2006 11:41 AM


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