somewhere in between

i haven't been blogging at all because i've been in india ever since my last post and been super busy.
i had a very busy schedule there and no time for any extra curricular.
i came back home yesterday for 2 days for a meeting with fish,
and i had some time and i wanted to write so here i am.

i went to india and now i'm seeing a shrink there because like i said in my previous post,
my physio therapist thinks i'm going a little insane.
i see him every day,
he asks me questions which sometimes i answer sometimes i stay quiet.

i hate it when ayone asks me questions about my life.
or the standard question "so tell me about your life"
i want to bang my head against the wall now.
i've told the damn story too many times to too many people who haven't done shit about it.

i also do some hand and arm exercises in the morning with brit,
which have made a difference i have to admit.
how?

the other day brit put ice in my left hand,
and after a few moments i did feel some sensation.
it means that my nerves can and do respond,
even if it's tiny.

so my nerves are relaxing gradually.
brit said he will start working again on my right leg from the coming week.
he believes it will be alright very soon.

right now all the encouragement and positive words don't mean anything to me.
it actually pisses me off.

coming to other things..
S and i speak every day.
every night before going to sleep we speak because that is the only time i get.
since i'm home,
we spoke today in the afternoon.

it's just...
taking things as they come.
taking every day as it comes and living it.
it's hard.
when i'm on the phone with her there are a million things going through my head.

friday night was a special night for Muslims.
it was the 15th of the islamic month of Sha'ban according to the islamic calender.
us, Muslims believe that this is a special and sacred night,
and we pray to Allah (God) all night,
from Isha'a prayers till Fajr prayers. (sunset till sunrise the next day)
and after that most people fast the following day.
so friday night was the sacred night,
and saturday was the day when people fast.

like everyone else,
i prayed too and i fasted too.

i can talk to God.
i speak to Him and He speaks back.
that night i wasn't speaking to Him.
i didn't call Him.
but He came anyway.

i was praying.
i prayed for everyone that i know and everyone that i have lost.
i was upset.
i was sad.
i was crying.

i cried because i knew that He was there,
listening to me.
He asked me to look up and then He told me that it will be okay.
He talks to me in a simple language.
He doesn't complicate it for me.

He said "it is going to be okay."
and i asked Him "when?"
and He said "I know you cannot do this anymore.
"You are My creation.
"You are My son.
"I love you and I will look after you.
"You will be okay."

and i said to Him "i don't even care to be okay anymore.
"i don't even want to be okay anymore."

and He smiled at me.

i told Him not to laugh at me.

and He said "I'm not laughing at you.
"this is a proud smile.
"you have come so far."

i asked about my parents and my family and my friends and He told me that they are all okay but they are not happy with me.
they don't like what i'm doing to myself and with myself.

hearing that made me more upset.
i cried some more.
and i thought to myself "You took all of them away from me.
"You take everything away from me.
i collect the little pieces together and it doesn't take a moment for You to spread them all into a million little pieces again and then i'm supposed to be okay with it?"

He knew what all was going through my head.
He knew what i was feeling and He also knew what i was thinking.
but He didn't say anything.

He left.
not angry,
but He knew that i wanted to be left alone.
and He did exactly that.

i still have hope.
i don't know why but i still believe.
maybe it's because i know that my God is with me and He listens to me.
i don't know what it is,
but my faiths intact.

strange.

i told all that to S.
i told her that i haven't given up.

that doesn't mean that we are back together.
or that we will get married now.
it just means that...
i guess it means that i will keep trying.

i can get better.
i know i can.
and i'll work.
i'm not sure what it is that i'm heading towards..
and i don't know the meaning of my life.
but i do know that i'm living a very extra-ordinary life,
in extra-ordinary circumstances.

maybe most of you don't even believe what i write.
and rightly so.
because you don't know of anyone who has actually been through most of the things that i go through.

my world is different from yours.
your life is normal.
my life was normal too once.

i had a home.
a mother and a father.
friends.
relatives.

i went to school.
college.

i had a job.
a boss.
co-workers.

but i always knew i was a little different.
and i was told and am still told that i'm special.
i'm told that there is a reason i come in to peoples lives.
not that they come in to my life,
but that i come in to theirs.

we're all searching for answers.
we're all incomplete.
completely incomplete.
we're all lost.

we all have doubts.
regrets.
guilt.
secrets.
lies.
fears.

it's scary.
it's scary living with all these evils.
it's scary living alone.

i'm alone.
i'm scared.
i'm afraid.
i'm hopeful.
i'm different.
i'm special.
i'm lost.
i'm found.


I'm waiting for tonight.
And i've been waiting for tomorrow.
I'm somewhere in between.
i don't know what is real.
and i don't know what is just a dream.
i'm somewhere in between.