I'm closer to where I started

How many hits should a person take before they actually decide to back down? Its a case of trying til you succeed vs. if you still cant get it, its probably not for you and God is trying to tell you something.

I've been faced with this dilemma for the most part of my growing up phase. The choices that seem to be better, opposing what I want. Its usually been my heart vs. my head. I am no different than almost every person who shares their existence in this world with me, and believe me, I'm well aware of that.

At the same time, I've always been the practical person. I've pretty much always tried to do what is "right". Probably why I never achieved much, because I'd cut myself too short.

Not in the past few years.
The past few years have changed me a lot. Everything I thought I was...I wasnt.
It was a strange thing to realize.
Its harder for a person who thinks with their head in some situations and with their heart in some. Why? Because both the choices pull you toward them almost equally.
Not in the past few years.
Not as far as he is concerned.

With him, its not even a choice. With him, there is not one doubt in my mind. With him, all other options are not driven away, they just seem to fade away themselves.

With him, everything isnt made right,
it just is.
just.
is;
even among all the wrong things that happen, and continue to happen.

With him, I believe.

I'll go on. I'll always go on. I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him. I will. You'll see.

Like everyone else, I also often wish that God could talk back to me. Too many questions to ask. Too many why's how's and where's, but most importantly, like I said, the why's.

But He does talk back to him. My him.
And recently, we talked to Him. I didnt have to say anything, I didnt need to ask the questions, I didnt need to cry or laugh or shout out loud. When he asked me what I wanted to know, I just said tell God to talk to me.

And you know what He said? He said do you want me to end this now if its not going to happen? I froze.

I always freeze in such situations: when you want to ask the question, but aren't quite sure you want to hear the answer.

You know what I said?

I said if its not supposed to happen then I want You to make it happen. I want us to be together, and I want us to end up together.

And I said and I'm sorry if I sound rude when I say this,
but I'm willing to fight You for it if thats what it takes.



I cant be certain, but I think I saw a little smile up there when I said that.


I'll go on.
I'll always go on.
I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him.
I will.
You'll see.

-S.