Monday, October 23, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
stuck in reverse
i want to be happy.
i want to feel happy.
i want to give my heart just a moment of happiness even.
but i cannot bring myself to feel that.
i'm not sad but i'm not happy.
i don't know what i feel but i'm not okay with the way i feel.
i want to feel better.
things aren't going wrong,
but things aren't going right either.
everyone has become so quiet.
noone talks to anyone anymore.
we are 13 people living in one house,
and we've all become strangers to one another.
i don't know what it is..
but i hope to God that it is only a phase.
i pray to God every day that let it not be a way of us showing that we have been defeated.
i haven't given up yet.
that doesn't mean i'm strong.
i used to be.
but i'm not anymore.
i can only carry myself.
i cannot take 15 other people with me.
i don't want to take that responsibility.
i have my moods.
i have my moments.
i give up.
then i get up again.
it's very easy for me to stumble and fall down.
and i cannot explain what makes me start all over.
but i do.
i'm figuring out what life wants of me.
i'm figuring out what i can give back to life.
i'm trying to figure out the purpose.
not the meaning,
there is a difference.
i realized something today.
i heard a very old song "must've been love" after 3 years,
and i was listening to it and i hated it.
not the song but the pessimissm.
and i realized at that moment that i hate giving up.
i have always seen the glass half full.
i am an optimist.
and that is my curse and my gift i guess:)
the time is 1126.
that is my birthday.
birthdays have always made me uncomfortable.
i don't know why.
i thought of mum and dad today and i cried.
i was missing them.
i miss them.
i think of them every single day of my life.
and every time i think of them tears come to my eyes.
just like right now..
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse"
Thursday, September 28, 2006
story of a boy
i was a lost boy for many years.
i had created my own little world in my mind,
and i lived in it for almost 8 years.
it started when i was 14.
there was a sea of emotions embedded in me.
i didn't know what these emotions were.
i didn't know what was it that i was feeling,
and what was it that someone else was feeling.
i had the sense that all these emotions and feelings weren't mine.
but i didn't know how to screen which was mine,
and which wasn't.
i was quiet most of the times.
but i had a friend.
my imaginery friend was always there with me.
he was with me through my worse.
i started drinking because i couldn't deal with these emotions.
i wouldn't get drunk after drinking,
so i moved to drugs.
i tried everything to get rid of the feelings.
i don't remember my 17th and 18th year.
i spent it wasted.
i spent it sleeping on the pavements.
i wouldn't go home because i didn't want to give my parents the pain i was going through.
i worked day and night for cash to buy drinks and drugs.
i never asked for money from my parents for it.
i hated asking for anything from them.
that was also the time when i thought i was adopted.
i thought why would they love me so much,
and grant my every wish?
i have to be adopted.
my parents sent me to a rehab twice.
i remember the most painful times of my life at the rehab.
i remember those long nights.
and i remember those loud days.
my friends never visited me all the while that i was there.
i will not forget waiting for them.
i waited for them not because i wanted their pity,
but i wanted them to come and encourage me and give me their support and tell me that now i'm doing the right thing and they are all here for me.
they weren't there for me when i needed them the most.
but i forgive them.
i have forgiven everyone.
i don't want to hold grudges against anyone.
i don't have the heart to do that.
i cleaned washrooms.
i swept dirty floors.
i stayed awake many nights.
i cried during the days.
i didn't know who i was.
what was my purpose.
i was lost.
and i was left alone.
those 2 months changed my life.
my attitude towards people.
i ran out of the rehab once,
but i couldn't run away from it the second time.
i have never suffered so much pain.
and after the second time,
i never touched a drug.
i never smoked up.
i never got high.
but i kept drinking.
not as much as i used to,
but i was drinking.
i knew that i would and i could give it up whenever i wanted to.
i went to college and i hated it.
i wouldn't attend classes.
i would lay in my bed,
i didn't know what i was searching for.
but i knew my existence had a purpose.
i knew i was special,
but i didn't know what to do with it.
strange little things happened to me.
i have a habit of buying $ lottery tickets from the gas station every time i get gas;
and i have always scratched the lucky ticket.
i have never lost.
even if i have won just a dollar,
i have always won on the ticket.
the last time i ever really got drunk was 2 days before i flew to Pakistan in september 2001.
that was the trip when i found S.
i never drank again.
i don't know why.
i think i didn't feel the need.
when i went back to the states,
i had a purpose in life.
i wanted to complete my thesis.
i wanted to kick ass and make everyone proud so i could stand on my own two feet and then tell S that i want her to spend the rest of her life with me.
i did all that.
i completed my thesis.
i kicked ass.
i got a great great job.
within 8 months i was made VP of my company.
i told S i loved her.
and we started planning our life together.
it felt good to have a purpose.
to work towards something.
the feelings and emotions simmered down.
i started feeling Ss' feelings.
and that was and is okay.
because i know whose feelings i'm feeling.
i have had a strange,
every single person that i have ever met has told me that i'm special.
for some reason,
i have always caught peoples attention.
i also know that it's not me but it's Gods gift.
that is why i say that maybe i am special.
i know i make a difference in peoples lives.
and i don't do it,
it is God who does it.
after all that i have been through,
and all that has happened,
and does happen,
and all my experiences and my pain,
and i dare to dream.
and i dare to believe in those dreams.
"..And there's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done"
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
from here i can almost see the sea..
the weather has suddenly become awfully pleasant after a horrifyingly hot day so i thought i should write.
and write something normal since i am feeling a little normal.
better right now.
if S was here she would have said "baby i hope it rains.
"i love the rain."
i miss her.
she's still in london.
coming back in almost 5 days now.
we talk off and on,
once in 2 days.
i spoke to her today in the morning for a while.
it was so nice.
it's strange but everytime the weather becomes pleasant,
and light wind starts blowing like right now,
i always think of my parents and my friend and i feel like they are thinking of me.
i smile every time the wind starts blowing and i become happy.
a peaceful happy.
that's what i feel right now.
and i'm happy.
i spoke to M today for so long in peace.
normally she is busy with either college work,
or too dead to speak.
and i'm so tired that we ask how the went,
how we are,
send a text to my baby in london and go to sleep.
today for a change she called me and we spoke.
it was nice.
we talked about so many things.
she told me she has been thinking about E.
E was my best friend,
and he was completely in love with M.
these two met when M came to visit me in L.A.
he was willing to convert for her,
but she kept saying no to him.
she said it would never work.
her parents would never agree,
there are differences,
blah blah blah.
M liked him too.
she liked him alot.
you could not not like E.
i guess there was a reason that things between them never worked out..
i think about him and everyone else every single day.
but it was nice talking about him:)
to write a few lines about what's going on at my end;
everyone is quiet.
noone talks to anyone.
rich has become very quiet.
he needs some time off because he's taking everything really badly.
i don't blame him.
we've lost too many friends in too little time.
noone knows what it feels like to keep losing someone or the other after regular intervals.
i'm scared of meeting people now.
i feel that it's me.
i realize that it is not normal.
and i also realize that it is too much to handle.
i wish for a normal life.
i wish that one day i would write a normal post.
i get my physio done every day.
my right side is improving, (mashallah)
and i've started feeling.
if i try and stand up i know i will be able to do that too.
but i don't want to.
and i'm tired.
what will i get out of standing up and being able to walk anyway?
where will i go?
it's better to stay in bed.
and now because it's Ramazan,
i am fasting,
i don't even have my physio for very long.
i stay in bed.
or i go outside in my wheel chair and i sit in the small garden.
i don't talk to anyone.
talking is almost a burden on me now.
i'm sick of it.
i'm not the person i used to be.
i'm not the person i was even a week ago.
i don't know what has changed in me,
but i feel different.
i speak different.
i think different.
but i'm not sure if the change is good or bad.
i want to write about what i used to be.
in my next post i will write about the person i used to be,
about my past and a few of my experiences of the normal life.
i promise it will not be boring:)
it's my life.
can it ever be boring?
Sunday, September 24, 2006
the loss continues..
another 4 days have passed.
another accident happened.
another boy passed away.
another day will come.
another few weeks will pass by.
another accident will happen.
and i will live to see another day.
another dark night.
i pray to God to help me.
a new month has started.
the month of ramadan.
the month of blessings.
i pray that things become better.
i don't know who i am anymore.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
trampled in dust
"i have a normal life." S said to me last night on the phone.
and i said "yeah, i know you do."
after a long time i realized how true that is.
she does have a normal life.
and like she said,
everything else is normal too.
she asked me "you think we'll end up together?"
and i said "i don't know."
and then i asked "you think we will?"
and she said "i don't know."
i don't even know what to feel anymore.
i feel guilty and i feel responsible for this girl.
i promised to give her the world.
and now both of us are running away from that same world.
i don't know the meaning of this life.
i don't understand the reason.
i don't know the purpose.
i have no direction.
i said to her last night "come back soon"
and she said "no."
"i'm not coming back."
"you will come now."
i promised her the world.
and now we're running from that same world.
i cannot handle things anymore.
i'm so close to doing something so stupid.
i'll be so stupid to go through with it after coming so close.
am i crazy?
i think i am going crazy.
maybe that's when i'll find some peace.
but i'm not fine.
i'm losing my mind.
Monday, September 18, 2006
my small family
S is in London right now.
she went last friday and i miss her so much.
so much so so so so so much.
it's always stranger and weirder when she goes anywhere.
even if it's for two days to just another city.
this arrangement is not something we're used to.
i'm the one always travelling and coming and going.
when she goes,
there is always this fear at the back of my mind "what if she meets someone there?"
so these days M is responsible for me.
she is always the default when S goes anywhere.
when S went somewhere and M was taking care of me,
she was given a handful of things-to-do.
now she's a pro.
a few posts ago i even said that i will write about M and tell you about her.
i think today i should.
it all started a few weeks after i had started talking to S on msn and we were exchanging e-mails regularly.
one day i wrote an e-mail to her but my hotmail refused to open.
and then this person logged in and messaged me and introduced herself.
we immediately hit it off and it was great.
there was no awkward this is her friend,
i should be careful with her.
formal with her.
nothing of the sort.
it was an instant bond.
i asked if her hotmail was opening and she said yes.
i pasted every single word to her on the MSN window,
and she pasted it on to her hotmail,
and sent it to S.
that was our first conversation.
and since that day,
she has been there every step of the way.
every single little step of the way.
we are so alike.
she is my perfect soulmate.
there have been so many times when S has said to me oh my God you and M really need to get married.
she is one of the most genuine people i have ever known.
she has always gone out of her way for almost everyone.
the way that she has done so much for me,
i can never thank her enough for it.
the best part?
she doesn't even realize what all she does and has done.
she is not looking for a thank you.
she is not looking for acknowledgement.
it all started happening with her after she visited me.
she met me,
and all hell broke loose.
it still does at times.
men followed her everywhere.
they showed her guns.
they've entered her house,
taken her with them,
asked her all kinds of questions.
called up her father,
making up all kind of crap and telling him..
hacked her e-mails.
her cell phone.
the reason for that?
they think she's my sister.
the reason for that?
she calls me brother.
i am like a brother to her.
and she is the sister that i never had.
and that is how we are,
and that's the price she pays.
that's the price she pays for coming to see me when she did.
spending time with me.
taking care of me.
she is not even in this,
yet she is the most involved.
people are always following her.
her phone lines are always tapped.
her cell is always traced.
her every move is recorded.
every single move.
she's been through the worst times of her life because of me.
and she doesn't complain.
she doesn't even think "what the fuck?"
she's the best:)
she really is.
she knows S is not around,
and she recently joined college,
which means she's busy most of the times and she gets home late.
but every single day,
the minute she enters her house she calls me to let me know that she's home.
she asks me about my day,
she talks to me.
she makes me laugh.
and i make her cry.
i'm the only man who has ever made her cry.
(i'm selfishly happy about that)
there was a time when i was getting to know S,
and M came to the U.S. and i would call her up and ask her to tell me things about my baby.
and without exaggeration,
she would sit there,
telling me little things and stories about her for hours and hours on end.
i call her at random hours.
that's the fun of calling her and waking her up and talking to her.
the most fun is calling her up at 4am and saying "i'm bored" talk to me,
and she will curse me and hate me and talk to me:)
i love her.
i'm so possessive about her.
and i love it.
she and my baby are the only family i am left with.
M always says to me that my family and my father will go with you to Ss' house and ask her father for her hand.
you are my family.
you are my brother,
and we'll it all perfect for you:)
i admire and i love and i respect her for all that and so much more.
she's is close to God.
in a very non-conventional manner.
i know God listens to her.
He listens to everyone..
but He really listens to her.
things aren't great at all in her house.
she has one of the most messed up families i will ever hear of.
but she's going strong.
she loses it,
but she re-gains it.
it was her faith in God that got me thinking about God.
it's her trust,
she loves me.
she hates me.
but she loves me.
she is simple.
she is genuine.
she is crazy.
she is hilarious.
she is emotional.
she is sensitive.
she is my sister.
she is my brother.
she is my friend.
she is M.