The Sound of Music.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

story of a boy

i was a lost boy for many years.
i had created my own little world in my mind,
and i lived in it for almost 8 years.
it started when i was 14.

there was a sea of emotions embedded in me.
i didn't know what these emotions were.
i didn't know what was it that i was feeling,
and what was it that someone else was feeling.

i had the sense that all these emotions and feelings weren't mine.
but i didn't know how to screen which was mine,
and which wasn't.

i was quiet most of the times.
but i had a friend.
my imaginery friend was always there with me.
he was with me through my worse.

i started drinking because i couldn't deal with these emotions.
i wouldn't get drunk after drinking,
so i moved to drugs.

i tried everything to get rid of the feelings.
i don't remember my 17th and 18th year.
i spent it wasted.
i spent it sleeping on the pavements.
i wouldn't go home because i didn't want to give my parents the pain i was going through.

i worked day and night for cash to buy drinks and drugs.
i never asked for money from my parents for it.
i hated asking for anything from them.

that was also the time when i thought i was adopted.
i thought why would they love me so much,
and grant my every wish?
i have to be adopted.

my parents sent me to a rehab twice.
i remember the most painful times of my life at the rehab.
i remember those long nights.
and i remember those loud days.

my friends never visited me all the while that i was there.
i will not forget waiting for them.
i waited for them not because i wanted their pity,
but i wanted them to come and encourage me and give me their support and tell me that now i'm doing the right thing and they are all here for me.

they weren't there for me when i needed them the most.
but i forgive them.
i have forgiven everyone.
i don't want to hold grudges against anyone.
i don't have the heart to do that.

i cleaned washrooms.
toilet seats.
i swept dirty floors.
i stayed awake many nights.
i cried during the days.

i didn't know who i was.
what was my purpose.
i was lost.
and i was left alone.

those 2 months changed my life.
my attitude towards people.

i ran out of the rehab once,
but i couldn't run away from it the second time.

i have never suffered so much pain.
and after the second time,
i never touched a drug.
i never smoked up.
i never got high.

i realized.

but i kept drinking.
not as much as i used to,
but i was drinking.

i knew that i would and i could give it up whenever i wanted to.
i went to college and i hated it.
i wouldn't attend classes.
i would lay in my bed,

i didn't know what i was searching for.
but i knew my existence had a purpose.
i knew i was special,
but i didn't know what to do with it.

strange little things happened to me.

i have a habit of buying $ lottery tickets from the gas station every time i get gas;
and i have always scratched the lucky ticket.
i have never lost.

even if i have won just a dollar,
i have always won on the ticket.

isn't it?

the last time i ever really got drunk was 2 days before i flew to Pakistan in september 2001.
that was the trip when i found S.
i never drank again.

i don't know why.
i think i didn't feel the need.
when i went back to the states,
i had a purpose in life.

i wanted to complete my thesis.
i wanted to kick ass and make everyone proud so i could stand on my own two feet and then tell S that i want her to spend the rest of her life with me.

i did all that.
i completed my thesis.
i kicked ass.
i got a great great job.
within 8 months i was made VP of my company.
i told S i loved her.
and we started planning our life together.

it felt good to have a purpose.
to work towards something.
the feelings and emotions simmered down.

i started feeling Ss' feelings.
and that was and is okay.
because i know whose feelings i'm feeling.

i have had a strange,
special life.
every single person that i have ever met has told me that i'm special.
for some reason,
i have always caught peoples attention.

i also know that it's not me but it's Gods gift.
that is why i say that maybe i am special.
i know i make a difference in peoples lives.
and i don't do it,
it is God who does it.

after all that i have been through,
and all that has happened,
and does happen,
and all my experiences and my pain,
i live.


and i dare to dream.
and i dare to believe in those dreams.

"..And there's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done"

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

from here i can almost see the sea..

the weather has suddenly become awfully pleasant after a horrifyingly hot day so i thought i should write.
and write something normal since i am feeling a little normal.
better right now.

if S was here she would have said "baby i hope it rains.
"i love the rain."
i miss her.
she's still in london.
coming back in almost 5 days now.

we talk off and on,
once in 2 days.
i spoke to her today in the morning for a while.
it was so nice.

it's strange but everytime the weather becomes pleasant,
and light wind starts blowing like right now,
i always think of my parents and my friend and i feel like they are thinking of me.
i smile every time the wind starts blowing and i become happy.
a peaceful happy.

that's what i feel right now.
i'm peaceful.
and i'm happy.

i spoke to M today for so long in peace.
normally she is busy with either college work,
or too dead to speak.
and i'm so tired that we ask how the went,
how we are,
send a text to my baby in london and go to sleep.

today for a change she called me and we spoke.
it was nice.
we talked about so many things.
she told me she has been thinking about E.

E was my best friend,
and he was completely in love with M.
these two met when M came to visit me in L.A.
he was willing to convert for her,
but she kept saying no to him.

she said it would never work.
her parents would never agree,
you're american,
i'm pakistani,
there are differences,
blah blah blah.

M liked him too.
she liked him alot.
you could not not like E.
i guess there was a reason that things between them never worked out..

i think about him and everyone else every single day.
but it was nice talking about him:)

to write a few lines about what's going on at my end;
everyone is quiet.
noone talks to anyone.
rich has become very quiet.
he needs some time off because he's taking everything really badly.

i don't blame him.
we've lost too many friends in too little time.
noone knows what it feels like to keep losing someone or the other after regular intervals.

i'm scared of meeting people now.
i feel that it's me.
i realize that it is not normal.
and i also realize that it is too much to handle.

i wish for a normal life.
normal friends.
normal home.
normal conversation.

i wish that one day i would write a normal post.

i get my physio done every day.
my right side is improving, (mashallah)
and i've started feeling.
if i try and stand up i know i will be able to do that too.
but i don't want to.

i'm scared.
and i'm tired.

what will i get out of standing up and being able to walk anyway?
where will i go?

it's better to stay in bed.

and now because it's Ramazan,
i am fasting,
i don't even have my physio for very long.
i stay in bed.
or i go outside in my wheel chair and i sit in the small garden.

i don't talk to anyone.
talking is almost a burden on me now.
i'm sick of it.

i'm not the person i used to be.
i'm not the person i was even a week ago.
i don't know what has changed in me,
but i feel different.
i speak different.
i think different.

but i'm not sure if the change is good or bad.
not yet.
it's strange.

i want to write about what i used to be.

in my next post i will write about the person i used to be,
about my past and a few of my experiences of the normal life.
i promise it will not be boring:)

it's my life.
can it ever be boring?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

the loss continues..

another 4 days have passed.
another accident happened.
another boy passed away.
another day will come.
another few weeks will pass by.
another accident will happen.

and i will live to see another day.
another death.
another dark night.

i pray to God to help me.
save me.
a new month has started.
the month of ramadan.
the month of blessings.

i pray that things become better.
i don't know who i am anymore.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

trampled in dust

"i have a normal life." S said to me last night on the phone.
and i said "yeah, i know you do."

after a long time i realized how true that is.
she does have a normal life.
and like she said,
everything else is normal too.

she asked me "you think we'll end up together?"
and i said "i don't know."

and then i asked "you think we will?"
and she said "i don't know."

i don't even know what to feel anymore.

i feel guilty and i feel responsible for this girl.
i promised to give her the world.
and now both of us are running away from that same world.

i don't know the meaning of this life.
my life.
i don't understand the reason.
i don't know the purpose.
i have no direction.

i said to her last night "come back soon"
and she said "no."
"i'm not coming back."
"you will come now."

i promised her the world.
and now we're running from that same world.

i cannot handle things anymore.
i'm so close to doing something so stupid.
i'll be so stupid to go through with it after coming so close.

am i crazy?

i think i am going crazy.
maybe that's when i'll find some peace.

i'm okay.
but i'm not fine.
i'm losing my mind.

Monday, September 18, 2006

my small family

S is in London right now.
she went last friday and i miss her so much.
so much so so so so so much.
it's always stranger and weirder when she goes anywhere.
even if it's for two days to just another city.
this arrangement is not something we're used to.

i'm the one always travelling and coming and going.
when she goes,
it's different.
it's strange.

there is always this fear at the back of my mind "what if she meets someone there?"

so these days M is responsible for me.
she is always the default when S goes anywhere.
when S went somewhere and M was taking care of me,
she was given a handful of things-to-do.
now she's a pro.

a few posts ago i even said that i will write about M and tell you about her.
i think today i should.


i will.

it all started a few weeks after i had started talking to S on msn and we were exchanging e-mails regularly.
one day i wrote an e-mail to her but my hotmail refused to open.
and then this person logged in and messaged me and introduced herself.
we immediately hit it off and it was great.
there was no awkward this is her friend,
i should be careful with her.
formal with her.
nothing of the sort.
it was an instant bond.

i asked if her hotmail was opening and she said yes.
and then,
i pasted every single word to her on the MSN window,
and she pasted it on to her hotmail,
and sent it to S.

that was our first conversation.

and since that day,
she has been there every step of the way.
every single little step of the way.

we are so alike.
she is my perfect soulmate.

there have been so many times when S has said to me oh my God you and M really need to get married.

she is one of the most genuine people i have ever known.

she has always gone out of her way for almost everyone.
the way that she has done so much for me,
for S,
i can never thank her enough for it.

the best part?

she doesn't even realize what all she does and has done.
she is not looking for a thank you.
she is not looking for acknowledgement.

it all started happening with her after she visited me.
she met me,
and all hell broke loose.
it still does at times.

men followed her everywhere.
they showed her guns.
they've entered her house,
taken her with them,
hit her.
slapped her.
punched her.
kicked her.
asked her all kinds of questions.
called up her father,
making up all kind of crap and telling him..
threatened her..
hacked her e-mails.
her msn.
her computer.
her cell phone.

the reason for that?

they think she's my sister.

the reason for that?

she calls me brother.
i am like a brother to her.
and she is the sister that i never had.
and that is how we are,
and that's the price she pays.

that's the price she pays for coming to see me when she did.
spending time with me.
taking care of me.

she is not even in this,
yet she is the most involved.

people are always following her.
her phone lines are always tapped.
her cell is always traced.

her every move is recorded.
every single move.

she's been through the worst times of her life because of me.
and she doesn't complain.
she doesn't even think "what the fuck?"

she's the best:)
she really is.

she knows S is not around,
and she recently joined college,
which means she's busy most of the times and she gets home late.
but every single day,
the minute she enters her house she calls me to let me know that she's home.

she asks me about my day,
she talks to me.
she makes me laugh.
and i make her cry.

i'm the only man who has ever made her cry.
(i'm selfishly happy about that)

there was a time when i was getting to know S,
and M came to the U.S. and i would call her up and ask her to tell me things about my baby.
and without exaggeration,
she would sit there,
telling me little things and stories about her for hours and hours on end.

i call her at random hours.
that's the fun of calling her and waking her up and talking to her.
the most fun is calling her up at 4am and saying "i'm bored" talk to me,
and she will curse me and hate me and talk to me:)

i love her.
love her.
i'm so possessive about her.
and i love it.

she and my baby are the only family i am left with.

M always says to me that my family and my father will go with you to Ss' house and ask her father for her hand.
you are my family.
you are my brother,
and we'll it all perfect for you:)

her belief.
her faith.
her strength.
her courage.

i admire and i love and i respect her for all that and so much more.

she's is close to God.
in a very non-conventional manner.
i know God listens to her.

He listens to everyone..
but He really listens to her.

things aren't great at all in her house.
she has one of the most messed up families i will ever hear of.
but she's going strong.
she loses it,
but she re-gains it.

it was her faith in God that got me thinking about God.
it's her trust,
her belief.
it's admirable.

she loves me.
she hates me.
but she loves me.

she is simple.
she is genuine.
she is crazy.
she is hilarious.
she is emotional.
she is sensitive.
she is my sister.
she is my brother.
she is my friend.
she is M.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

tagged from khizzy

am thinking about...
what life has in store for me next.

I said...
iloveyou and i swear i still do.

I want to...
stand up on my feet again.

I wish...
i could change the world.

I miss...
my parents and my friends.

I hear...
Dil Chahey - Saahil
Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake

I wonder...
what things would have been like right now if i was living a normal life.

I regret...
no regrets.

I am...
comfortably numb.

I dance...
anytime i hear a good beat.

I sing...
under my breath.

I cry...
everytime i think of my parents and my friends.

I am not always...
the best person to have a conversation with.

I write...
in my blog and i love it.

I confuse...

I need...
peace of mind.

I should try...
to be more patient.

I finish...
everything that i start.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

somewhere in between

i haven't been blogging at all because i've been in india ever since my last post and been super busy.
i had a very busy schedule there and no time for any extra curricular.
i came back home yesterday for 2 days for a meeting with fish,
and i had some time and i wanted to write so here i am.

i went to india and now i'm seeing a shrink there because like i said in my previous post,
my physio therapist thinks i'm going a little insane.
i see him every day,
he asks me questions which sometimes i answer sometimes i stay quiet.

i hate it when ayone asks me questions about my life.
or the standard question "so tell me about your life"
i want to bang my head against the wall now.
i've told the damn story too many times to too many people who haven't done shit about it.

i also do some hand and arm exercises in the morning with brit,
which have made a difference i have to admit.

the other day brit put ice in my left hand,
and after a few moments i did feel some sensation.
it means that my nerves can and do respond,
even if it's tiny.

so my nerves are relaxing gradually.
brit said he will start working again on my right leg from the coming week.
he believes it will be alright very soon.

right now all the encouragement and positive words don't mean anything to me.
it actually pisses me off.

coming to other things..
S and i speak every day.
every night before going to sleep we speak because that is the only time i get.
since i'm home,
we spoke today in the afternoon.

it's just...
taking things as they come.
taking every day as it comes and living it.
it's hard.
when i'm on the phone with her there are a million things going through my head.

friday night was a special night for Muslims.
it was the 15th of the islamic month of Sha'ban according to the islamic calender.
us, Muslims believe that this is a special and sacred night,
and we pray to Allah (God) all night,
from Isha'a prayers till Fajr prayers. (sunset till sunrise the next day)
and after that most people fast the following day.
so friday night was the sacred night,
and saturday was the day when people fast.

like everyone else,
i prayed too and i fasted too.

i can talk to God.
i speak to Him and He speaks back.
that night i wasn't speaking to Him.
i didn't call Him.
but He came anyway.

i was praying.
i prayed for everyone that i know and everyone that i have lost.
i was upset.
i was sad.
i was crying.

i cried because i knew that He was there,
listening to me.
He asked me to look up and then He told me that it will be okay.
He talks to me in a simple language.
He doesn't complicate it for me.

He said "it is going to be okay."
and i asked Him "when?"
and He said "I know you cannot do this anymore.
"You are My creation.
"You are My son.
"I love you and I will look after you.
"You will be okay."

and i said to Him "i don't even care to be okay anymore.
"i don't even want to be okay anymore."

and He smiled at me.

i told Him not to laugh at me.

and He said "I'm not laughing at you.
"this is a proud smile.
"you have come so far."

i asked about my parents and my family and my friends and He told me that they are all okay but they are not happy with me.
they don't like what i'm doing to myself and with myself.

hearing that made me more upset.
i cried some more.
and i thought to myself "You took all of them away from me.
"You take everything away from me.
i collect the little pieces together and it doesn't take a moment for You to spread them all into a million little pieces again and then i'm supposed to be okay with it?"

He knew what all was going through my head.
He knew what i was feeling and He also knew what i was thinking.
but He didn't say anything.

He left.
not angry,
but He knew that i wanted to be left alone.
and He did exactly that.

i still have hope.
i don't know why but i still believe.
maybe it's because i know that my God is with me and He listens to me.
i don't know what it is,
but my faiths intact.


i told all that to S.
i told her that i haven't given up.

that doesn't mean that we are back together.
or that we will get married now.
it just means that...
i guess it means that i will keep trying.

i can get better.
i know i can.
and i'll work.
i'm not sure what it is that i'm heading towards..
and i don't know the meaning of my life.
but i do know that i'm living a very extra-ordinary life,
in extra-ordinary circumstances.

maybe most of you don't even believe what i write.
and rightly so.
because you don't know of anyone who has actually been through most of the things that i go through.

my world is different from yours.
your life is normal.
my life was normal too once.

i had a home.
a mother and a father.

i went to school.

i had a job.
a boss.

but i always knew i was a little different.
and i was told and am still told that i'm special.
i'm told that there is a reason i come in to peoples lives.
not that they come in to my life,
but that i come in to theirs.

we're all searching for answers.
we're all incomplete.
completely incomplete.
we're all lost.

we all have doubts.

it's scary.
it's scary living with all these evils.
it's scary living alone.

i'm alone.
i'm scared.
i'm afraid.
i'm hopeful.
i'm different.
i'm special.
i'm lost.
i'm found.

I'm waiting for tonight.
And i've been waiting for tomorrow.
I'm somewhere in between.
i don't know what is real.
and i don't know what is just a dream.
i'm somewhere in between.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

randomness at its randomist

what are we?
what is the siginificance of each one of us?


i don't mean anything to the world outside of me.
my being is not making a difference to anyone who is reading this.
except for one.

why even that one?

why is it that you mean the world to that one person?

what is it that pulls you towards that one person?
how do we choose?
how do we decide?

is it really the heart or is it our fate?

i believe that there is a reason that we meet the people that we do.
and i also believe that the time in life when we meet people also has a reason.
i believe very strongly that it is all very calculated.
the time.
the placement.
the situation.

i don't believe in the theory of "coincidence."

if i believed in coincidences then i would be contradicting my belief of reason.

ironically enough,
i don't need reasons.

i've never asked for reasons.
for anything.

i've never wanted to understand the reason.
and i haven't become this way now,
so don't think i'm disillusioned.

i have always been this way.

and then i met someone for whom reason is everything.
she likes to get to the depth of every word.

we are two very different people.
completely different actually.
our approach to life is poles apart.

she pays attention to the details.
to the unbelievably minute details.
i don't pay attention to anything.
(and that could also be because i'm a guy.)

these things to matter to her.

to me they don't matter.
i don't pay attention to names.
not in a rude way,
but i just don't remember them.
that's why i don't care for a name.

what matters is the person.
not their names.
names are just..
just a tag.
a label.
to distinguish one from another.

what does it matter?
what is in a name anyway?

i didn't know the name of my doctor until the day he passed away.
i used to call him doctor saab.
i never ask anyone their name.

i never even asked S her name.
funnily enough,
she asked if i was even the least bit curious to know what her name was.
and i said you will tell me when you do.
i'm okay calling you my littlebug.

and in all the years i have known her,
i haven't taken her name more than 10 times.
if even those many times.


this post is strange too.

i'm not going with it anywhere.
so if you want to stop reading,
you may.

and those of you who stay till the end of it,
leave a comment.
just tell me you were here and say hello to me at least.

i don't know many people anymore.

i keep losing people.

i've lost too many.
too many in too little time.

i didn't even get to mourn properly.

i don't know if i wrote in any of my previous posts but my friend C,
who was travelling with me in the ship..
she passed away this year.
beginning of this year.

i just got a call.

no explanation.
no details.
just that she was really sick,
and in pain.

that's it.
just the news.

i was just supposed to deal with it.

and i didn't even mourn.

and then doctor saab.
just like that.

and i didn't even mourn properly.
it didn't even hit me.
gunshots hit me before i could realize that doctor saab was no longer there.

i'm on my way to india right now.
brit wants to get my complete check-up done,
and see how much of me is damaged.
and how much of me is recoverable.

and on top of all that,
brit feels that i should see a shrink.
he thinks that i'm losing my mind.

even if i am,
isn't it about freakin' time?

in my opinion,
me remaining sane during all that i have been through should have been the first sign of slight insanity.

i could use a few tranquilizers.
a few drugs.

today for the first time ever since i had given up drinking and doing coke,
i felt the need.

a few times in the past,
i have missed it.
i do miss it.
i miss drinking and i miss getting totally fucked out of my brains.

today i wasn't missing it.
today i needed it.

last night S and i spoke.
there was no crying,
no denials.
no hopeless dreams.
that's why i said we spoke.

it was a good conversation.
it was a reality check.
a practical talk.

we're not together.
we're not us.
but we cannot be apart.
not right now anyway.

we will be when we will be.

i remember reading that..
waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which one to do is the worst kind of suffering.


it's hard.
really hard.

no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard..

life is strange.

you just don't know do you?

it would be scary if we knew.
so i guess it's fine the way it is.

the unknown is good.

we're about to land so this is the end for now.

do leave me a one line hello.

Monday, September 04, 2006

more than a feeling

So as all of you can tell by the previous posts, things havent been too great. I felt a thousand different feelings yesterday. If not more.
I've been through those feelings before. And its been horrible. And it was horrible yesterday too. He messaged me saying all those things he's said one two many times before- that we cannot be together. Who are we kidding. This will keep happening. I cannot do this again. We're not kids. You need to let go.

I've been through all of that before, except this time things were a little different. This time? I said okay. I nodded. I didnt scream and get mad trying to tell him we belong, you have to go on.

You know why?
I'm so tired.
Tired in a way that I cannot put into words, no matter how long I sit here for.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with my life; more importantly, where God's taking me. I hate being disillusioned and losing hope. I've just never been that sort.
I've always just looked for the better in a situation and i have ALWAYS found it.

Whats different about this time?
I wish I knew.

I cried yesterday the way I haven't cried for a long long time. The way that most of you wouldn't know. The way someone cries when reality and your hope are on their way to a head-on collision. Where you just want something so badly that you're prepared to give up living if you cant have it.

I've never been one of those silly irrational people who say things like I wish I didn't have to live anymore. I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done with this life and I'm prepared to do whats next.

Not yesterday.
I don't know where that person went yesterday.
I don't know how long I can go on for.
I don't know how long I want to go on for.

All I know is I still love him as much, if not more than I did the first time it hit me that I loved him.

All I know is he makes everything okay.
All I know is he's my best friend in the whole world, and he's the only one who knows me. The Me I've never shown to anyone.
He's the only one who'll call me up and ask why I cried, even when I was sitting locked up in a room quickly drying up my tears so noone would notice.
He's the only one who makes me happy. The only one who brought out the real me from a slumber of more than five years.

I could go on.

But God knows all this.

He knows it and yet....

I don't know.

All I know is that the worst thing to lose out of all the things in this world,

is hope.

I don't even need to type all this out for God to read.
He still knows everything that I haven't even said.

I know He knows how little my heart is.
I know He knows that the smallest of things makes me cry. I know He knows it doesn't take a second to make me sad. I know He knows that I cannot be without my him. And my him cannot be without me. He knows all this.

He's the One who brought us together. He's the One who taught us to love. He's the One who gave the other a best friend.

And I pray that He'll be the One to help us out and bring us through this too.

Not make it better,
but give us "us."

the end.

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend,
The end.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

as the waves of disenchant thrash on my window..

We were as one
For a moment in time,
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine..
Now you want to be free, so I’ll let you fly ‘Cause I know in my heart Our love will never die.
You’ll always be a part of me-
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me, oh darling ‘cause you’ll always be my baby,
And we’ll linger on.. time can’t erase a feeling this strong,
no way you’re ever gonna shake me oh darling, ‘cause you’ll always be my baby.
I ain’t gonna cry, and I won’t beg you to stay;
If you’re determined to leave boy, I will not stand in your way..
But inevitably, you’ll be back again 'cause you know in your heart babe,
our love will never end.
You’ll always be a part of me-
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me, oh darling ‘cause you’ll always be my baby,
And we’ll linger on.. time can’t erase a feeling this strong,
no way you’re ever gonna shake me oh darling, ‘cause you’ll always be my baby.
I know that you’ll be back boy, when your days and your nights get a little bit colder.
I know that you’ll be right back baby, believe me it’s only a matter of time..
i do.

fool in the rain

ever since the accident doctor saab wasn't doing too good,
even though he had woken up.

yesterday morning at around 720 am he passed away..

his name was danielle,
and he was 41.
he suffered serious head injuries,
and there was internal bleeding.

his body was sent to his grand father who lives in the U.S.
it was a harsh day yesterday.
little did i know that today was going to happen too.

i had slept 2 hours the night before,
so when i finally went to sleep at 3 am last night,
i just didn't feel like waking up today.

i finally woke up at 5 pm,
and the weather was beautiful.

it was the perfect rain,
the light drizzle at times,
the cool wind in which you want to close your eyes and sit back and just...

i ate,
showered and went outside to see how the boys were doing.
everyone was really upset yesterday,
and not very well at all.
the weather cheered everyone a little,
and we decided to have tea outside.

after tea i got up thinking i should walk for a while,
since i hadn't done that in 2 days.

so i'm walking,
and as soon as i'm about to turn i feel a sharp burning sensation in my stomach..
something i have felt before.

and as i look down,
something cuts through my right leg.
i'm falling down.
it happens again in my leg..
but this time it's close to my thigh.

i fall down.
my left arm starts burning.
and then there is pain.

i can hear the boys shouting and yelling.
they run to me,
pick me up and take me inside immediately.

i was shot 4 times.

someone calls the doctor who was here to look after doctor saab.

i don't know what all he was doing,
but my stomach hurting like hell.

the pain from my leg had faded away.
and wherever the doctor was touching my leg,
i couldn't feel it.

same with my left arm.
i felt the shot as soon as it happened.
and some pain for a few seconds.
and then nothing.

the doctor hasn't said anything to me yet.
but i know i fell.
falling for someone like me is not good.

as i write this..
i cannot feel my right leg.
and i cannot feel my left arm.
i cannot move my left hand and my fingers..
not even the slight movements that i had started to make.

i have thrown up atleast 20 times in the past 5 hours.
mostly blood.

i'm not sure where i'm going now.
or what it is that i'm going to do.

but i do know that i'm tired.

and i cannot keep picking myself up.
i cannot do it all over again.

i don't want to do it.
just to fall down again.

it's too hard.

maybe one day.
some day.
i would want to do it again.
all over again.
all of it.

but not right now.
not today.
not tomorrow.

i'm not sad.
i'm not angry.
i'm not pissed off.
i'm not upset.

i still believe.

S asked me a while ago..
she said "do you still believe in God?"
and i said "yes."
she asked "do you trust Him?"
and i said "yes."

i do believe.
and i do trust Him.

maybe He knows something that i dont.
we dont.

i just hope He knows what He's doing.
because i sure as hell have no fucking clue where He's going with this right now.

about S and me.

i know that she doesn't have time.
and i need time.
lots of it.

i don't know what will happen.
to us.
to her.
to me.

i don't know.

"the child is grown,
the dream is gone.
i have become comfortably numb."

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