fool in the rain

ever since the accident doctor saab wasn't doing too good,
even though he had woken up.
yesterday morning at around 720 am he passed away..

his name was danielle,
and he was 41.
he suffered serious head injuries,
and there was internal bleeding.

his body was sent to his grand father who lives in the U.S.
it was a harsh day yesterday.
little did i know that today was going to happen too.

i had slept 2 hours the night before,
so when i finally went to sleep at 3 am last night,
i just didn't feel like waking up today.

i finally woke up at 5 pm,
and the weather was beautiful.

it was the perfect rain,
the light drizzle at times,
the cool wind in which you want to close your eyes and sit back and just...
be.

i ate,
showered and went outside to see how the boys were doing.
everyone was really upset yesterday,
and not very well at all.
the weather cheered everyone a little,
and we decided to have tea outside.

after tea i got up thinking i should walk for a while,
since i hadn't done that in 2 days.

so i'm walking,
and as soon as i'm about to turn i feel a sharp burning sensation in my stomach..
something i have felt before.

and as i look down,
something cuts through my right leg.
i'm falling down.
it happens again in my leg..
but this time it's close to my thigh.

i fall down.
my left arm starts burning.
and then there is pain.

i can hear the boys shouting and yelling.
they run to me,
pick me up and take me inside immediately.

i was shot 4 times.

someone calls the doctor who was here to look after doctor saab.

i don't know what all he was doing,
but my stomach hurting like hell.

the pain from my leg had faded away.
and wherever the doctor was touching my leg,
i couldn't feel it.

same with my left arm.
i felt the shot as soon as it happened.
and some pain for a few seconds.
and then nothing.

the doctor hasn't said anything to me yet.
but i know i fell.
falling for someone like me is not good.

as i write this..
i cannot feel my right leg.
and i cannot feel my left arm.
i cannot move my left hand and my fingers..
not even the slight movements that i had started to make.

i have thrown up atleast 20 times in the past 5 hours.
mostly blood.



i'm not sure where i'm going now.
or what it is that i'm going to do.

but i do know that i'm tired.

and i cannot keep picking myself up.
i cannot do it all over again.

i don't want to do it.
just to fall down again.

it's too hard.

maybe one day.
some day.
i would want to do it again.
all over again.
all of it.

but not right now.
not today.
not tomorrow.

i'm not sad.
i'm not angry.
i'm not pissed off.
i'm not upset.

i still believe.

S asked me a while ago..
she said "do you still believe in God?"
and i said "yes."
she asked "do you trust Him?"
and i said "yes."

i do believe.
and i do trust Him.

maybe He knows something that i dont.
we dont.

i just hope He knows what He's doing.
because i sure as hell have no fucking clue where He's going with this right now.

about S and me.

i know that she doesn't have time.
and i need time.
lots of it.

i don't know what will happen.
to us.
to her.
to me.

i don't know.






"the child is grown,
the dream is gone.
i have become comfortably numb."