fragile dreams

i miss everyone.
i miss mum and dad the most.
i miss them every day and i think about them every day but last night..
you know when sometimes you miss someone so much and you just wish that they could come in front of you or you could just fly to them?
that is how i was missing mum and dad yesterday.

i was trying to remember what the last thing was that we had said to each other.
but i just couldn't remember.
i remember mum shedding some tears and saying be safe.
i have no clue what last words dad and i exchanged.
maybe we didn't exchange any words because we're both men of few words.
(to which dads wife and my wife-to-be, both would disgaree strongly.)

last night as i lay down and closed my eyes,
i was thinking about mum and dad.
i wanted to write to them,
but i lay down to sleep instead.

as i closed my eyes..
my subconscious woke up,
and in my subconscious mind..
i opened my eyes,
and i saw mum sitting in front of me on my bed and dad was sitting on a chair to my right side.
the setting was as is of my present room.
and since it was my subconscious,
i knew that they weren't alive.
they were just visiting me.

as soon as i saw mum i smile and i say "what are you doing here?"
and she says "you were missing us:)"

i start getting up when mum holds my hand and says dont get up.
i say no i can get up it's okay.
and i get up and sit up and mum looks at me and she comes forward and kisses my forehead and hugs me.
i know she's crying.
i'm crying too.

dad gets up and puts his hand on my right arm and tells mum buss karo. (stop it)
she keeps holding my hand but lets go of the hug,
and dad asks me kya haal hai. (how are you?)
and i look at him and say i'm okay.
he wanted to leave after that,
when i say dont go?
dad gets teary eyed and sits back down in the seat.

i ask them about every single person.
i ask about every one name by name,
and they tell me that everyone is okay.

after asking about everyone,
i look at mum and smile because she's wearing pants and her usual express shirt.
i ask her "mum, Allah mian (God) lets you wear pants up there?"
hahaha
and they both laugh and dad says "bilkul nahin badlaa" ("hasn't changed a bit")

i look at dad and i say "how am i going to do everything alone?"
and all he says is "seekh lo gay" (you'll learn) and sits back in his chair.

i shake my head because he hasn't changed either and i hate it and he keeps smiling.

then mum asks me how i'm doing,
and i show her that i can move my right arm and my leg.
and i take a glass in my hand and show her that i can hold it,
and look my hand isn't even shaking.
and then i tell them that i shaved myself yesterday.
mum is happy and crying all this time.

and then i ask mum to utho (get up) and sit on the chair next to dad i want to show you something.
and she gets up,
and i take the blanket off me and i show them my new leg.

dad was a doctor.
he gets up immediately and starts looking at the leg,
inspecting its every detail.
and i say "dad its fine.
"i have good doctors.
sit down i want to show you one more thing."

and i stand up slowly and mum starts crying harder and i look at her and i say "mum abhee nahin i'm not done yet.
"cry aik he dafaa:)" (mum, not so soon, i'm not done yet. cry once i'm done)

and i start walking slowly.
i walk around the room taking little steps.
i didn't want to fall down,
or even wobble.
that's why i took really tiny steps.

and after 5 minutes,
i came and sat back in front of them and even dad had tears in his eyes.
i smile and i say "mum? dads crying!"
hahahaha

mum hugged me for soooo long after that.
and the best thing about it?

it was real.
i felt it.

i felt her hugging me.
i felt it when she kissed my forehead.
i felt it when she was holding my hand.
i felt it when dad put his hand on my arm.

then dad got up and said "acha buss" (okay that's it)
and then he brought his hand forward and i shook his hand.
he keeps holding my hand in his and says "you will be fine.
"you are my son.
"you will learn what you dont know.
"and what you do know, you know too much of it.
"you will learn along the way.
"meri beti (he calls S his beti) ko tung nahin karnaa zaada." (don't mess with my daughter too much)

mum kept crying so hard (as usual) she could hardly speak.
she kissed my forehead,
and i closed my eyes.

when i opened my eyes again,
i was here.
and i was crying.