the answer is blowing in the wind

since the last few posts have been kinda heavy to read,
i thought that today i would tell you a little about what is going on today in my life and how i am doing,
as at this moment.
i promise to only write the pleasant things:)


hmmm...
okay so..while everything was happening,
my physio had begun,
and i was getting it done on a regular every day basis.

reason?

my right side was not paralyzed,
but it needed to be worked on,
to keep the feelings and the nerves working.
it has been 2 years and then some...
and because of the regular physio,
my right side is mashallah perfectly okay.
and when i say perfect,
i mean that i am almost 90% as fit as all of you are from my right side.
:)

i can move my arm,
my hand,
my wrist,
i can finally make a tight grip and hold things in my hand.
i feel pain normally.

little things that almost every single human being leading a healthy life takes for granted.
i have come a long way.
mashallah.

it all started when i moved my right hand fingers for the first time...
and....
when i first felt pain in my shoulder.

i remember being the most grateful man on earth feeling that pain.


its strange how sometimes pain makes you feel good.


in may this year,
i stood up.

how?

im not quite sure.


i was sick,
agitated,
frustrated,
anxious..
and then something just clicked in my head.

i called my doctor and told him im going to stand up today.
he ran and came thinking i had gone insane.

he was looking at me,
and i asked 2 of my boys to help me.
they sat with me,
and i tried and i tried and i tried..
and finally i did it.

i stood up on my one leg.
my right leg.
with the help of two boys.

but i stood up.

:)


2 years it took to stand again.
but i did it.

i still dont know what made it happen.

He did.
i know He did.




i wish i could put in words what that felt like..
but i cannot so i will not even try.

that same day...
i stood up again a couple of times.

my boys were standing with me,
happy,
hugging me and congratulating me,
when one of them said give me a high five.
and as i was going to move my right arm to give him a five...
i unconsciously moved my left shoulder.


my doctor who was standing there stared me and shouted "HOW DID YOU JUST DO THAT?"

i looked at him and said "do what?"

he yelled again "you just moved your LEFT SHOULDER"

then he asked me to do it again,
and as i tried to make a movement..
i made my left shoulder move.

it was the slightest of movement which any other person would not have noticed,
but my doctor did.

even i didnt.

:)


that one inch of a movement meant that there was hope.


i went to india for a complete check up.
the doctors said that the physio is working,
and it is making the nerves weaker.

they said that my paralysis was workable,
and there is absolutely no reason that i cannot fight my paralysis and become okay.

i met a great physio therapist there,
whom i made a deal with,
and he came home with me and is with me 24 hours a day now.

he works with me.
he wants to make me better.
he makes me work on myself really hard.
and i believe that hard work never goes to waste.

today,
as i wrote earlier,
my right side is fine mashallah.

my left side is improving immensely.
i have started to feel pain in my left side..
i can move all 5 of my fingers with ease now mashallah.

i stand up,
and with the help of a walker i can take little steps all on my own..
and go in the kitchen and make myself a sandwich.

2 weeks ago i went back to india,
i got surgery done on my left leg which had been amputated,
and got myself an artificial leg.

i am still getting used to that leg..
the doctor said keep wearing it during the day so you get the feel of it.
it was really weird for the first week...
but now im getting used to..
to the feel of it.

a few days ago...
i tried standing up on both my legs...
without too much pressure,
just as an experiment..
and i did.

it was only for 40 seconds...
but i stood up...
and this time,
on my own two feet.

:)



i wish i could explain what that meant...
what that felt like..
but i cannot.
and i wont.


i still get my physio done every day.
my 77 medicines 3 times a day have come down to 4 medicines twice a day.
i walk a few steps every day.


i promised a nice post,
i hope you all feel better reading this and knowing that i am okay.

my story hasn't ended,
i will continue telling it.
things are still happening and going wrong,
but in all of that,
i haven't given up.

and i am not saying i never gave up.
i gave up.
i let go..
of everything.
all of beliefs.
all my faith.

i was so lost.
so mad.
so alone.


but i'm okay now.


He brought me back.

He showed me the way.

i give up for a few moments even now.
when i have come so far.

but then i close my eyes..
and i see a little girl holding my hand and smiling.
and i open my eyes and i know it's my laala holding my hand..
still.

she held my hand through everything.
all the good and all the bad.
all the laughs and all the tears.

she gave me a reason for living.
she is my reason.