i feel love..:)

an email i wrote a few days ago.
this will sum up what i have been feeling and what i am feeling now.
where i am now,
so i dont have to write about it.


i cannot sleep.
am happy.
excited.
i feel overwhelmed.

you know what i feel?

i feel like im on top of the world.
and i can do absolutely anything.
anything at all.

you know that adidas commercial?

in the end it says "impossible is nothing"

that is what i feel.

i truly feel like impossible is nothing.

i have started to believe that if there is anything that one wants,
one can do it.

i keep saying im happy.
im happy in a wonderful way.

i wish i could put my feelings into words.
and i'll try.
because you know what?

all 3 of us..
at some point or the other need these words.
and it's strange..
and the only way i can put it is..

..we're one
but we're not the same
we get to carry each other
carry each other
one.

i havent felt this way in a while.
the only time i ever felt this elevated was when i was so high.
so drunk.
so wasted.

and i felt like the world was at my feet.

and that is what i just said to you on the phone too baby.
that the world is at our feet.

and it feels good to be sober,
and feel.
experience.
love.
be happy.
be sad.

that is the way it goes,
right?

if we wont feel sad,
we'll never know what happiness is worth.

we have to feel pain.
we need to.

it is a strange circle of life.

i'm not sure i'm making a point.

i just want you both to know that...
both of you have made me the person i am today.
(for better or for worse that is debateable.)

at the time when i came in your lives,
it was a stramge time for all of us.
but your belief.
your faith.

it moved me.
it really did.

we needed each other at the time.

we have all come a long way from there.

a long long way.

and wherever we all are,
is a good place.
it is a better place.

i know it is.

i have been through hell.
hell like noone has.
and i hope and i pray noone ever does.

and i survived it.
i am surviving it.
i have been surviving it.

i have lived through it.
and i continue to do so.


sometimes i don't want to.
i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i lose hope.
i have lost hope.
i have given up.

i have been through the worst times.

alone.


which makes it even worse.

but that is okay too.

because at the end of the day,
Whoever it is Who brings you to it,
takes you through it too.

He really does.

and we all know that.
we have all learnt.

:)

in our own fucked up ways.

you know what i have learnt?

it is okay to be not okay,
and it is okay to be lost.

if you really want to get back on track,
He will show you the way.
and He does.

and He has.
everytime.

He shows you the worse,
and then He does make it better.
in little ways.

i dont know how you are living in your house without being a bitter bitch M,
but you dont know how much i admire that.

it's amazing mashallah.
and i also know that He gives you that strength.

i dont know why you are still with me laala,
and i guess i will just never know.
i guess you will just never know either.

:)

but it is reason enough for me to go on.
to make it work.

to get all better.
to be able to walk.
to get up in the morning and stand on my own feet and face the world.
to make a home.

to start afresh.

i am rambling on i know.
but we all love it don't we?

i want you both to know that i am happy.
i really am.

all day today,
i have had a smile on my face.
and there were little things..
good little things,
which kept making me happier.

and i am feeling this happiness after so many feelings of..
sadness.
pain.
hurt.
bitterness.

i felt like i was let down.
i didn't know what i was feeling.
but i wasn't happy.

i wasn't content.

i was restless.
confused.

i think i was in denial too.

but i'm okay now.

i don't know what has changed.
i really don't know why or how today is better than yesterday,
but it just is.

you know?

it just is.

and even if it isn't,
so what?

it will be.
it has to get better some day right?

the sun rises every morning doesn't it?
it has to rise.
right?

who better to ask that question than us.
together and individually.

that is the power of love.
hope.
faith.

:)


thank you.
both of you.

for everything.
for the love.
the hope.
the faith.
the belief (in me and instilling in me)
the God.
the truth.
the honesty.
the reasons.
the countless nights.
the unearthly hour phone calls.
the emails.
the patience.
the tears.
the smiles.
the laughs.
the friendship.
the family.
the home.

for the two of you...

..because maybe,
you're gonna be the one that saves me,
and after all,
you're my wonder wall.

:)


iloveyou both.