The Sound of Music.

Monday, February 20, 2006

another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.

haven't written in the longest time because was not feeling well at all.
still not well, but there is nothing better than writing.
it has always helped me every time.

so getting back to my story;
mum decided to tell dad about her.
i would have told him myself, but he was just never home. he has always been busy with his hospital, and his patients have always been his priority.
not saying that it was a bad thing, and im not complaining about it.
thats just how it always was with him, and noone seemed to mind it or get bothered by it, so be it.
so mum told dad, and he decided to speak to me.

tells me that i have a cousin in pindi (a city in Pakistan), who is my phuphos (adopted) daughter,
and for 4 years my grandparents have been interested in me getting married to her.
but my dad told them that its too soon for him to get married,
he's only 20, we'll think about it and then we will move forward.

and now my dad tells me this, when mum has brought up her friends daughters.
and my grandparents were coming to visit us, and they were bringing the ring for me, and they want me to say yes, so that we could get married later.

i remember that when dad was telling me all this, i was staring at him. this is not my father talking.
my father has never stopped me from doing anything.
i have lived the most independent and sometimes (read most of the times) fucked up life as a teenager,and the following years, and he has never told me what to do.

and this is that same man telling me not in so many words that i cannot say no?
to marriage?

something that he very well knows that i have never wanted to do.and now that this whole drama starts, he brings up a family secret, and expects me to fulfill all dreams.well knowing that...for the first time in my life, i am so completely in love with this girl, who he knows mind you, is the best thing thats ever happened to me and he is saying to me that there is a ring coming, and i have to accept that?

it was fucked up.
i find out that there is my cousin.
whom i have seen yes, but never exchanged more than a hello with.

and my family was expecting me to marry this girl.
everyone in my family knew i was with someone already,and not just fooling around.
they were well aware of the seriousness of the relationship.

and lived in the states and grown up there i was alien to the idea of this kind of marriage,and there were so many mixed emotions within me.
it was one of the most frustrating times of my life.

family on one hand.
her on the other.

i just didnt know what kept hitting me over and over and over and over again.
i have never been good with emotions, and i have always run away from things, and difficult times.

if i couldnt run away, i would use alcohol and drugs to be away from it all.
i didnt want to go back to drugs, so i chose to run away.
or atleast i tried.

i left home.
i left her.

i didnt say a goodbye, but i told her everything that was going around.
she knew each and every little detail.
i didnt hide a single thing from her.
thats not how we were, and hiding or keeping something from her was a thought that never even crossed my mind.

i told her she can email me when she wants to.
she can call me when she wants to,
and ill be right here with her.

and i packed my bag, and i left home.
didnt say goodbye to anyone.

ive learnt over the years that im scared of goodbyes.
they've never turned out good for me.

i went to my college in an attempt to finish off my thesis in some fucked up way possible.


i just lay in my bed all day.
kept thinking and thinking and thinking and trying to make sense of something.
any one thing.

maybe even her.
how did she come in my life.
how far we had come.
where were we heading.
are we even headed somewhere or is it a dead end.

everything happened so fast.
everything was still happening so fast.

or maybe it was just that thats how things happen,
and im just not used to living like this?

there was an urge for things.

so strong.

i remember even getting out of my bed, and going to his room to ask for whatever he has then.

anything that would make the pain go away.

but for some reason, i turned back.

if i do it once,
this once,
there is no turning back.

i turned back thinking of her.

i lay down again.
closed my eyes and i saw her face.

the pain always goes when i see her face.


i checked my mail and she had asked me to come online and speak to her.
i had about a million mails from her.

i went online after 3 days and spoke to her.

it felt like i was breathing after years.

i was calm again.

it was the nicest conversation we had.

she was lost.
she was miserable.
she had been crying and crying and was sick of it.
she said she couldn't let me go.
she said this too shall pass.

i wanted to believe her.

i think i believed her.

i believed her.

i knew it was us that was meant to be together.
noone else.
nothing else.

it hurt, but we started talking again.
we made each other laugh and we were happy and so in love.
it made the hurt go away.

things kept happening.

my grandfathers condition worsened,
and my whole family wanted me to get married before something happened to him.
he wanted to see his grandson married.

my grandparents who were living with us said that we will not go back without me.
which meant, if i go back with them, i have said yes and i get married to my cousin.

things were going from bad to worse on one hand.
and on the other hand,
it was but.....just love.


Anonymous S. said...

b, i love it! when you write long blogs, its great because the reader really gets into your writing, and even im thinking 'well, what next? dont do this now!' :)

i love it.
youre really starting to come in your own lets say. happy.

keep writing! loving it.

February 22, 2006 9:54 AM


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