randomness at its randomist

what are we?
what is the siginificance of each one of us?

nothing.

i don't mean anything to the world outside of me.
my being is not making a difference to anyone who is reading this.
except for one.

why even that one?

why is it that you mean the world to that one person?

what is it that pulls you towards that one person?
how do we choose?
how do we decide?

is it really the heart or is it our fate?

i believe that there is a reason that we meet the people that we do.
and i also believe that the time in life when we meet people also has a reason.
i believe very strongly that it is all very calculated.
the time.
the placement.
the situation.

i don't believe in the theory of "coincidence."

if i believed in coincidences then i would be contradicting my belief of reason.

ironically enough,
i don't need reasons.

i've never asked for reasons.
for anything.

i've never wanted to understand the reason.
and i haven't become this way now,
so don't think i'm disillusioned.

i have always been this way.

and then i met someone for whom reason is everything.
she likes to get to the depth of every word.
phrase.
situation.

we are two very different people.
completely different actually.
our approach to life is poles apart.

she pays attention to the details.
to the unbelievably minute details.
i don't pay attention to anything.
(and that could also be because i'm a guy.)

names,
numbers,
places,
these things to matter to her.

to me they don't matter.
i don't pay attention to names.
not in a rude way,
but i just don't remember them.
that's why i don't care for a name.

what matters is the person.
people.
not their names.
names are just..
just a tag.
a label.
to distinguish one from another.

what does it matter?
what is in a name anyway?

i didn't know the name of my doctor until the day he passed away.
i used to call him doctor saab.
i never ask anyone their name.

i never even asked S her name.
funnily enough,
she asked if i was even the least bit curious to know what her name was.
and i said you will tell me when you do.
i'm okay calling you my littlebug.

and in all the years i have known her,
i haven't taken her name more than 10 times.
if even those many times.

strange.

this post is strange too.

fyi,
i'm not going with it anywhere.
so if you want to stop reading,
you may.

and those of you who stay till the end of it,
leave a comment.
just tell me you were here and say hello to me at least.

i don't know many people anymore.

i keep losing people.

i've lost too many.
too many in too little time.

i didn't even get to mourn properly.

i don't know if i wrote in any of my previous posts but my friend C,
who was travelling with me in the ship..
she passed away this year.
beginning of this year.

i just got a call.

no explanation.
no details.
just that she was really sick,
and in pain.

that's it.
just the news.

i was just supposed to deal with it.

and i didn't even mourn.

and then doctor saab.
just like that.

and i didn't even mourn properly.
it didn't even hit me.
gunshots hit me before i could realize that doctor saab was no longer there.

i'm on my way to india right now.
brit wants to get my complete check-up done,
and see how much of me is damaged.
and how much of me is recoverable.

and on top of all that,
brit feels that i should see a shrink.
he thinks that i'm losing my mind.

even if i am,
isn't it about freakin' time?

in my opinion,
me remaining sane during all that i have been through should have been the first sign of slight insanity.

i could use a few tranquilizers.
a few drugs.

today for the first time ever since i had given up drinking and doing coke,
i felt the need.

a few times in the past,
i have missed it.
i do miss it.
i miss drinking and i miss getting totally fucked out of my brains.

today i wasn't missing it.
today i needed it.

last night S and i spoke.
there was no crying,
no denials.
no hopeless dreams.
that's why i said we spoke.

it was a good conversation.
it was a reality check.
a practical talk.

we're not together.
we're not us.
but we cannot be apart.
not right now anyway.

we will be when we will be.

i remember reading that..
waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which one to do is the worst kind of suffering.

:)

it's hard.
really hard.

no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard..


life is strange.

you just don't know do you?

it would be scary if we knew.
so i guess it's fine the way it is.

the unknown is good.


we're about to land so this is the end for now.

do leave me a one line hello.