more than a feeling
So as all of you can tell by the previous posts, things havent been too great. I felt a thousand different feelings yesterday. If not more.
I've been through those feelings before. And its been horrible. And it was horrible yesterday too. He messaged me saying all those things he's said one two many times before- that we cannot be together. Who are we kidding. This will keep happening. I cannot do this again. We're not kids. You need to let go.
I've been through all of that before, except this time things were a little different. This time? I said okay. I nodded. I didnt scream and get mad trying to tell him we belong, you have to go on.
You know why?
I'm so tired.
Tired in a way that I cannot put into words, no matter how long I sit here for.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with my life; more importantly, where God's taking me. I hate being disillusioned and losing hope. I've just never been that sort.
I've always just looked for the better in a situation and i have ALWAYS found it.
Whats different about this time?
I wish I knew.
I cried yesterday the way I haven't cried for a long long time. The way that most of you wouldn't know. The way someone cries when reality and your hope are on their way to a head-on collision. Where you just want something so badly that you're prepared to give up living if you cant have it.
I've never been one of those silly irrational people who say things like I wish I didn't have to live anymore. I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done with this life and I'm prepared to do whats next.
I don't know where that person went yesterday.
I don't know how long I can go on for.
I don't know how long I want to go on for.
All I know is I still love him as much, if not more than I did the first time it hit me that I loved him.
All I know is he makes everything okay.
All I know is he's my best friend in the whole world, and he's the only one who knows me. The Me I've never shown to anyone.
He's the only one who'll call me up and ask why I cried, even when I was sitting locked up in a room quickly drying up my tears so noone would notice.
He's the only one who makes me happy. The only one who brought out the real me from a slumber of more than five years.
I could go on.
But God knows all this.
He knows it and yet....
I don't know.
All I know is that the worst thing to lose out of all the things in this world,
I don't even need to type all this out for God to read.
He still knows everything that I haven't even said.
I know He knows how little my heart is.
I know He knows that the smallest of things makes me cry. I know He knows it doesn't take a second to make me sad. I know He knows that I cannot be without my him. And my him cannot be without me. He knows all this.
He's the One who brought us together. He's the One who taught us to love. He's the One who gave the other a best friend.
And I pray that He'll be the One to help us out and bring us through this too.
Not make it better,
but give us "us."