The Sound of Music.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

from here i can almost see the sea..

the weather has suddenly become awfully pleasant after a horrifyingly hot day so i thought i should write.
and write something normal since i am feeling a little normal.
better right now.

if S was here she would have said "baby i hope it rains.
"i love the rain."
i miss her.
she's still in london.
coming back in almost 5 days now.

we talk off and on,
once in 2 days.
i spoke to her today in the morning for a while.
it was so nice.

it's strange but everytime the weather becomes pleasant,
and light wind starts blowing like right now,
i always think of my parents and my friend and i feel like they are thinking of me.
i smile every time the wind starts blowing and i become happy.
a peaceful happy.

that's what i feel right now.
i'm peaceful.
and i'm happy.

i spoke to M today for so long in peace.
normally she is busy with either college work,
or too dead to speak.
and i'm so tired that we ask how the went,
how we are,
send a text to my baby in london and go to sleep.

today for a change she called me and we spoke.
it was nice.
we talked about so many things.
she told me she has been thinking about E.

E was my best friend,
and he was completely in love with M.
these two met when M came to visit me in L.A.
he was willing to convert for her,
but she kept saying no to him.

she said it would never work.
her parents would never agree,
you're american,
i'm pakistani,
there are differences,
blah blah blah.

M liked him too.
she liked him alot.
you could not not like E.
i guess there was a reason that things between them never worked out..

i think about him and everyone else every single day.
but it was nice talking about him:)

to write a few lines about what's going on at my end;
everyone is quiet.
noone talks to anyone.
rich has become very quiet.
he needs some time off because he's taking everything really badly.

i don't blame him.
we've lost too many friends in too little time.
noone knows what it feels like to keep losing someone or the other after regular intervals.

i'm scared of meeting people now.
i feel that it's me.
i realize that it is not normal.
and i also realize that it is too much to handle.

i wish for a normal life.
normal friends.
normal home.
normal conversation.

i wish that one day i would write a normal post.

i get my physio done every day.
my right side is improving, (mashallah)
and i've started feeling.
if i try and stand up i know i will be able to do that too.
but i don't want to.

i'm scared.
and i'm tired.

what will i get out of standing up and being able to walk anyway?
where will i go?

it's better to stay in bed.

and now because it's Ramazan,
i am fasting,
i don't even have my physio for very long.
i stay in bed.
or i go outside in my wheel chair and i sit in the small garden.

i don't talk to anyone.
talking is almost a burden on me now.
i'm sick of it.

i'm not the person i used to be.
i'm not the person i was even a week ago.
i don't know what has changed in me,
but i feel different.
i speak different.
i think different.

but i'm not sure if the change is good or bad.
not yet.
it's strange.

i want to write about what i used to be.

in my next post i will write about the person i used to be,
about my past and a few of my experiences of the normal life.
i promise it will not be boring:)

it's my life.
can it ever be boring?


Blogger Jaded said...

It's amazing how at the most normal of times, in the smallest thing like the thought of rain can make a person feel a little better...:)

I hope and pray that this Ramadan Kareem delivers you peacefully from your troubles and brings you and the people in your life all the blessings and all the mercies of the Almighty... Take care and keep safe!

Bless you!

September 27, 2006 9:44 AM

Blogger in2deep said...

thankyou:) and i hope and pray the same for you and every one else. i feel that every one is being tested. its strange, but its a blessed month. inshallah all will be good.

Bless you too:)

September 27, 2006 7:32 PM

Blogger kAy said...

i left you a message.. only i have no idea what post i left it in-
what i basically said is that ure situations puts things for me in a far broader perspective-
thank you for stopping by-
and as you said no words from a complete stranger could mean more to you than their prayers.
so i shall not say anything- just pray.

September 27, 2006 11:41 PM


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