chasing after you

i had a dream last night.

i was chasing after something.
i was running,
i was stumbling,
i was falling,
i was going up and down the stairs following it like a mad man.

it was a little diamond.


and i caught it.


it has to be a good dream,
right?

the answer is blowing in the wind

since the last few posts have been kinda heavy to read,
i thought that today i would tell you a little about what is going on today in my life and how i am doing,
as at this moment.
i promise to only write the pleasant things:)


hmmm...
okay so..while everything was happening,
my physio had begun,
and i was getting it done on a regular every day basis.

reason?

my right side was not paralyzed,
but it needed to be worked on,
to keep the feelings and the nerves working.
it has been 2 years and then some...
and because of the regular physio,
my right side is mashallah perfectly okay.
and when i say perfect,
i mean that i am almost 90% as fit as all of you are from my right side.
:)

i can move my arm,
my hand,
my wrist,
i can finally make a tight grip and hold things in my hand.
i feel pain normally.

little things that almost every single human being leading a healthy life takes for granted.
i have come a long way.
mashallah.

it all started when i moved my right hand fingers for the first time...
and....
when i first felt pain in my shoulder.

i remember being the most grateful man on earth feeling that pain.


its strange how sometimes pain makes you feel good.


in may this year,
i stood up.

how?

im not quite sure.


i was sick,
agitated,
frustrated,
anxious..
and then something just clicked in my head.

i called my doctor and told him im going to stand up today.
he ran and came thinking i had gone insane.

he was looking at me,
and i asked 2 of my boys to help me.
they sat with me,
and i tried and i tried and i tried..
and finally i did it.

i stood up on my one leg.
my right leg.
with the help of two boys.

but i stood up.

:)


2 years it took to stand again.
but i did it.

i still dont know what made it happen.

He did.
i know He did.




i wish i could put in words what that felt like..
but i cannot so i will not even try.

that same day...
i stood up again a couple of times.

my boys were standing with me,
happy,
hugging me and congratulating me,
when one of them said give me a high five.
and as i was going to move my right arm to give him a five...
i unconsciously moved my left shoulder.


my doctor who was standing there stared me and shouted "HOW DID YOU JUST DO THAT?"

i looked at him and said "do what?"

he yelled again "you just moved your LEFT SHOULDER"

then he asked me to do it again,
and as i tried to make a movement..
i made my left shoulder move.

it was the slightest of movement which any other person would not have noticed,
but my doctor did.

even i didnt.

:)


that one inch of a movement meant that there was hope.


i went to india for a complete check up.
the doctors said that the physio is working,
and it is making the nerves weaker.

they said that my paralysis was workable,
and there is absolutely no reason that i cannot fight my paralysis and become okay.

i met a great physio therapist there,
whom i made a deal with,
and he came home with me and is with me 24 hours a day now.

he works with me.
he wants to make me better.
he makes me work on myself really hard.
and i believe that hard work never goes to waste.

today,
as i wrote earlier,
my right side is fine mashallah.

my left side is improving immensely.
i have started to feel pain in my left side..
i can move all 5 of my fingers with ease now mashallah.

i stand up,
and with the help of a walker i can take little steps all on my own..
and go in the kitchen and make myself a sandwich.

2 weeks ago i went back to india,
i got surgery done on my left leg which had been amputated,
and got myself an artificial leg.

i am still getting used to that leg..
the doctor said keep wearing it during the day so you get the feel of it.
it was really weird for the first week...
but now im getting used to..
to the feel of it.

a few days ago...
i tried standing up on both my legs...
without too much pressure,
just as an experiment..
and i did.

it was only for 40 seconds...
but i stood up...
and this time,
on my own two feet.

:)



i wish i could explain what that meant...
what that felt like..
but i cannot.
and i wont.


i still get my physio done every day.
my 77 medicines 3 times a day have come down to 4 medicines twice a day.
i walk a few steps every day.


i promised a nice post,
i hope you all feel better reading this and knowing that i am okay.

my story hasn't ended,
i will continue telling it.
things are still happening and going wrong,
but in all of that,
i haven't given up.

and i am not saying i never gave up.
i gave up.
i let go..
of everything.
all of beliefs.
all my faith.

i was so lost.
so mad.
so alone.


but i'm okay now.


He brought me back.

He showed me the way.

i give up for a few moments even now.
when i have come so far.

but then i close my eyes..
and i see a little girl holding my hand and smiling.
and i open my eyes and i know it's my laala holding my hand..
still.

she held my hand through everything.
all the good and all the bad.
all the laughs and all the tears.

she gave me a reason for living.
she is my reason.

somewhere over the rainbow..

time was passing by.
there were ups and there were downs.
more downs and things happening for the worse than ups.

while i was protected,
and heavily guarded,
my family and friends were in some serious trouble.

they were being traced.
stalked.
the phone lines were tapped.
every move was on the record.
cameras and videos and audios of everyone i knew were being made and recorded.

my girls in Pakistan were being chased.
their calls were intercepted.
they were being followed.
there were many attempts of accidents.
kidnappings.

it was complete madness the details of which i cannot get into.
dont want to.

to get a hold of the situation my fathers friend who was in the police in D.C.,
referred us to this guy,
whom we call "fish."

fish was from one of the intelligence agencies,
and he did everything in his power to protect my family and my friends.
he made a team of men and flew them down to pakistan,
especially to look after S and my brother M.

i was being taken from state to state.
trying to dodge every other week.
my condition was already bad.
i couldn't travel by air,
it gave me headaches and the doctors did tests to find out that there is some kind of a hole in my head,
which will now allow me to travel by air for a long long time.

things worsened with every passing day.

i asked S to come see me since i couldn't travel anymore.
i convinced her to apply for the U.S. visa again,
and she said okay and she applied for it.

the situation at my end was so bad that it had formed into a case,
and the "case" went in to the hands of the immigration people.
they read my last name and my familys last name,
linked us to al-qaeda,
and asked us to leave the country with immediate effect.

ever since 9/11 we had been expecting it,
but for it to happen at the time that it did was absolutely uncalled for.

my father a citizen of the United States for over 25 years was asked to leave the country,
along with his family,
and the home he had made for himself.

we packed up our life in suitcases in 3 days.
my father resigned.
i resigned.
( i was still officially an employee of my company i was working for even after the accident had happened. a few months after the accident, i was made the vice-president and a full time-partner of my architecture firm.)

my father decided that him and mum would go to South Africa where my taaya had a house,
and apparently my father had also bought a small house there a few years ago.
the problem was that i couldn't travel by air because of my problem.

a dream of mine,
which came up in a conversation as a joke that i want to travel the world by ship,
came true.
since there was no way i could have flown,
fish arranged for a little cruise for me.

it wasn't as luxurious as one would think,
but nonetheless,
i got on board.

so the plan was-
my parents would reach South Africa,
settle down.
and i would meet them in a couple of months.

:)


i got on the ship with a doctor,
2 of fishs men,
2 captains,
and about 10-14 middle-aged to old men who had no families,
and all they did was travel.

my female childhood friend C got on board with me.
she said she didn't want me to live my dream all alone.
:)

we started travelling.
things were okay for 10 days..
we were moving as planned.
i would get to South Africa in a month,
if not 3 weeks.

and then,
the day that dad said he would call the station and give me their contact number..
i never got the call.

i still remember that day.


when something is about to go wrong,
i always know.
i have this gift...
which can well enough be called a curse too.
i always always know when things are wrong.

that is the feeling i felt on the day of my accident.

my heart was sinking.

i knew something horrible had happened,
and dad was not calling..
and that didnot make the situation any better.
i called up every friend of mine,
and on everyones cell..
the voice call would come on.


after about 20 minutes...
there was news from the station.
fish called..


all my friends were shot dead at the spot...
my family..
every single person...

my parents had what seemed like an accident in South Africa..
they were rushed to the hospital.

it was a day that i would not want to remember.....
ever..
after every 15..
sometimes 20 minutes,
i was getting news of someone....


my friend C who was with me...
her boyfriend was shot too..

that was the extent of the loss..


in one day....
i lost my whole family and all my friends and their families.
my whole family.
my taaya and his family..
my grandparents...
my phophos..
my...

family..



my parents were still at the hospital,
fighting for their life..


but they.....
they only fought for one day...


my mother was always a darpokoo anyway...
and dad..
i think...
i think he just got tired of it all.





and just like that...
one by one..
they all left....
in a day...
without a warning.


and just like that..
out in the middle of nowhere...(literally)
i was supposed to deal with it.


and just like that...
5 days prior,
S had gotten her U.S. visa.



and isn't it ironic...don't you think?

in the heat of the night.

during Ms stay with me,
i had started eating properly.
taking my 77 medicines 3 times a day.
i was sleeping okay.
i was resting.

S was writing to me every day.
i spoke to her on the phone a couple of times.
only a couple because i couldn't talk properly.

amongst everything else,
i was having problems with my speech too.

but things were okay.

i was heavily guarded,
and after a few days of being in the hospital i was moved to a private house.

before i move on with my story,
there are things i haven't told.
why i was shot,
and why the accident actually happened,
why i was being guarded.
i will tell you now.


when i was 14,
i had an accident and i was rushed to the hospital where my dad was practicing at the time.
while i was there,
there was another boy,
almost my age..was lying there,
bleeding heavily.

there was a doctor attending to him,
another was attending to me.
the way it is done in hospitals normally.

as fate would have it...
the boy passed away.

his injuries were serious..
there was too much blood loss...
the doctors did everything they could,
but it was his time to go...and he went.


12 years later...
that boys father tracked down my father,
and his family..
and made our lives a living hell.


his story?

this doctors son was favored at the hospital.
my son was lying on a bed next to his sons,
and the doctors didnot pay him any attention just because he was not a doctors son.
he was my only son and now he is dead.


his reason?

my father.


his idea of getting even?

i am going to take everything away from him.
i will take away his family.

only this time,
it would be the son at the receiving end...
not the father.


and that is exactly what he did.

shit happens.

hmmm..
so where did i stop?

yeah.
so my accident happened.

my friend E called up M and told her what had happened,
and that is how S found out.
M was leaving for the U.S. after a week.


i was in a coma for a week after my accident.


i woke up....
because i saw her.
i saw her crying.
crying her eyes out.

and i opened my eyes.


hated it.

hated when i opened my eyes.

so i kept them closed.
i never said a word to anyone.

i was quiet.
stopped eating.
stopped drinking.
stopped talking.

hated everything.
everyone.


i didn't know what to think.
i didn't know if she would even want to be with me now.
all i knew was that if M comes to see me,
that would be because of her.

if she doesn't come to see me,
it's over.


there were feelings inside of me.
and i couldn't take them out because i was..
paralyzed.

it was a paralysis of emotions too.


my parents were in D.C.
i was in L.A.
my father was in the hospital there at the same time that i was in the hospital paralyzed.
my mother had to keep flying back and forth.

and in the middle of all this madness..
M came.

she came.
she flew to L.A. just to see me.
you know what that meant?

:)

that meant my baby was still my baby.

M came and i felt better.
she brought hope with her.
she brought faith with her.

she fed me.
she talked to me.
she took care of me.
she loved me.
she stayed up with me all night long.
she cried with me.
she laughed with me.
she read out emails to me.
she told me things about my baby that i never knew.


while she was there,
my left leg was amputated.
the doctors said it has to be removed.
and so they did.

i didn't care.

M came.



i was better.

the past re-lived...

the last time i wrote,
i had gotten to the part where i was married.



it was a disgrace to the whole ideology of holy matrimony.

which surprisingly enough,
ended with a little grace.

and a sigh of relief for both parties.

farah got married again.
happily.

which lessened my guilt to a great degree.


a chapter closed.



a new life began.


laala and i planned to meet that summer.
i wanted her to come to the U.S. and see my life there.
i wanted her to see and feel and live my life with me for a while,
before deciding anything.

before making a decision.

we lead different lives.

and saying it,
and knowing it.
and actually expriencing it,
are all different things.

that was the summer of 2004.
she applied for her U.S. visa,
and it got rejected.

that same summer..
i was working on a project in L.A.,
and i was sharing an apartment with a friend.

i am an architect by profession.
so i had to travel a lot.
different cities.
new sites.
new clients.


i had been in L.A. way too long,
and i just wanted to go back home.

since her visa was rejected,
we decided that i'll fly to lahore and see her.

while in L.A.,
2 weeks before i was going to see her..
i had an accident.

a car came and hit me..
and i was shot a couple of times.

why i was shot is another story.
another blog.
another day.


anyway.

i was in a coma for a few days...
only to wake and find out that my whole left side of the body was paralyzed.
i could hardly move any part of my body.
and my left leg had to be amputated immediately.

a little too much information to take in at one time,
but that is how it was given it to me.


my life after the accident....
read the next blog in a few days.

i feel love..:)

an email i wrote a few days ago.
this will sum up what i have been feeling and what i am feeling now.
where i am now,
so i dont have to write about it.


i cannot sleep.
am happy.
excited.
i feel overwhelmed.

you know what i feel?

i feel like im on top of the world.
and i can do absolutely anything.
anything at all.

you know that adidas commercial?

in the end it says "impossible is nothing"

that is what i feel.

i truly feel like impossible is nothing.

i have started to believe that if there is anything that one wants,
one can do it.

i keep saying im happy.
im happy in a wonderful way.

i wish i could put my feelings into words.
and i'll try.
because you know what?

all 3 of us..
at some point or the other need these words.
and it's strange..
and the only way i can put it is..

..we're one
but we're not the same
we get to carry each other
carry each other
one.

i havent felt this way in a while.
the only time i ever felt this elevated was when i was so high.
so drunk.
so wasted.

and i felt like the world was at my feet.

and that is what i just said to you on the phone too baby.
that the world is at our feet.

and it feels good to be sober,
and feel.
experience.
love.
be happy.
be sad.

that is the way it goes,
right?

if we wont feel sad,
we'll never know what happiness is worth.

we have to feel pain.
we need to.

it is a strange circle of life.

i'm not sure i'm making a point.

i just want you both to know that...
both of you have made me the person i am today.
(for better or for worse that is debateable.)

at the time when i came in your lives,
it was a stramge time for all of us.
but your belief.
your faith.

it moved me.
it really did.

we needed each other at the time.

we have all come a long way from there.

a long long way.

and wherever we all are,
is a good place.
it is a better place.

i know it is.

i have been through hell.
hell like noone has.
and i hope and i pray noone ever does.

and i survived it.
i am surviving it.
i have been surviving it.

i have lived through it.
and i continue to do so.


sometimes i don't want to.
i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i lose hope.
i have lost hope.
i have given up.

i have been through the worst times.

alone.


which makes it even worse.

but that is okay too.

because at the end of the day,
Whoever it is Who brings you to it,
takes you through it too.

He really does.

and we all know that.
we have all learnt.

:)

in our own fucked up ways.

you know what i have learnt?

it is okay to be not okay,
and it is okay to be lost.

if you really want to get back on track,
He will show you the way.
and He does.

and He has.
everytime.

He shows you the worse,
and then He does make it better.
in little ways.

i dont know how you are living in your house without being a bitter bitch M,
but you dont know how much i admire that.

it's amazing mashallah.
and i also know that He gives you that strength.

i dont know why you are still with me laala,
and i guess i will just never know.
i guess you will just never know either.

:)

but it is reason enough for me to go on.
to make it work.

to get all better.
to be able to walk.
to get up in the morning and stand on my own feet and face the world.
to make a home.

to start afresh.

i am rambling on i know.
but we all love it don't we?

i want you both to know that i am happy.
i really am.

all day today,
i have had a smile on my face.
and there were little things..
good little things,
which kept making me happier.

and i am feeling this happiness after so many feelings of..
sadness.
pain.
hurt.
bitterness.

i felt like i was let down.
i didn't know what i was feeling.
but i wasn't happy.

i wasn't content.

i was restless.
confused.

i think i was in denial too.

but i'm okay now.

i don't know what has changed.
i really don't know why or how today is better than yesterday,
but it just is.

you know?

it just is.

and even if it isn't,
so what?

it will be.
it has to get better some day right?

the sun rises every morning doesn't it?
it has to rise.
right?

who better to ask that question than us.
together and individually.

that is the power of love.
hope.
faith.

:)


thank you.
both of you.

for everything.
for the love.
the hope.
the faith.
the belief (in me and instilling in me)
the God.
the truth.
the honesty.
the reasons.
the countless nights.
the unearthly hour phone calls.
the emails.
the patience.
the tears.
the smiles.
the laughs.
the friendship.
the family.
the home.

for the two of you...

..because maybe,
you're gonna be the one that saves me,
and after all,
you're my wonder wall.

:)


iloveyou both.