The Sound of Music.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

story of a boy


i was a lost boy for many years.
i had created my own little world in my mind,
and i lived in it for almost 8 years.
it started when i was 14.

there was a sea of emotions embedded in me.
i didn't know what these emotions were.
i didn't know what was it that i was feeling,
and what was it that someone else was feeling.

i had the sense that all these emotions and feelings weren't mine.
but i didn't know how to screen which was mine,
and which wasn't.

i was quiet most of the times.
but i had a friend.
my imaginery friend was always there with me.
he was with me through my worse.

i started drinking because i couldn't deal with these emotions.
i wouldn't get drunk after drinking,
so i moved to drugs.

i tried everything to get rid of the feelings.
i don't remember my 17th and 18th year.
i spent it wasted.
i spent it sleeping on the pavements.
i wouldn't go home because i didn't want to give my parents the pain i was going through.

i worked day and night for cash to buy drinks and drugs.
i never asked for money from my parents for it.
never.
i hated asking for anything from them.

that was also the time when i thought i was adopted.
i thought why would they love me so much,
and grant my every wish?
i have to be adopted.

my parents sent me to a rehab twice.
i remember the most painful times of my life at the rehab.
i remember those long nights.
and i remember those loud days.

my friends never visited me all the while that i was there.
i will not forget waiting for them.
i waited for them not because i wanted their pity,
but i wanted them to come and encourage me and give me their support and tell me that now i'm doing the right thing and they are all here for me.

:)
they weren't there for me when i needed them the most.
but i forgive them.
i have forgiven everyone.
i don't want to hold grudges against anyone.
i don't have the heart to do that.

i cleaned washrooms.
toilet seats.
i swept dirty floors.
i stayed awake many nights.
i cried during the days.

i didn't know who i was.
what was my purpose.
i was lost.
and i was left alone.

those 2 months changed my life.
my attitude towards people.
friends.
parents.

i ran out of the rehab once,
but i couldn't run away from it the second time.

i have never suffered so much pain.
and after the second time,
i never touched a drug.
i never smoked up.
i never got high.

i realized.

but i kept drinking.
not as much as i used to,
but i was drinking.

i knew that i would and i could give it up whenever i wanted to.
i went to college and i hated it.
i wouldn't attend classes.
i would lay in my bed,
drunk.
sad.
lonely.

i didn't know what i was searching for.
but i knew my existence had a purpose.
i knew i was special,
but i didn't know what to do with it.

strange little things happened to me.

i have a habit of buying $ lottery tickets from the gas station every time i get gas;
and i have always scratched the lucky ticket.
i have never lost.

even if i have won just a dollar,
i have always won on the ticket.
always.

strange,
isn't it?

the last time i ever really got drunk was 2 days before i flew to Pakistan in september 2001.
that was the trip when i found S.
i never drank again.

i don't know why.
i think i didn't feel the need.
when i went back to the states,
i had a purpose in life.

i wanted to complete my thesis.
i wanted to kick ass and make everyone proud so i could stand on my own two feet and then tell S that i want her to spend the rest of her life with me.

i did all that.
i completed my thesis.
i kicked ass.
i got a great great job.
within 8 months i was made VP of my company.
i told S i loved her.
and we started planning our life together.

it felt good to have a purpose.
to work towards something.
the feelings and emotions simmered down.

i started feeling Ss' feelings.
and that was and is okay.
because i know whose feelings i'm feeling.

i have had a strange,
special life.
every single person that i have ever met has told me that i'm special.
for some reason,
i have always caught peoples attention.

i also know that it's not me but it's Gods gift.
that is why i say that maybe i am special.
i know i make a difference in peoples lives.
and i don't do it,
it is God who does it.

after all that i have been through,
and all that has happened,
and does happen,
and all my experiences and my pain,
i live.

:)

and i dare to dream.
and i dare to believe in those dreams.


"..And there's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done"

4 Comments:

Anonymous S. said...

Baby I loovveee this post! :) I dont know where youve been the past few days but am glad you wrote. I loved this. Its great. Serious. And you are great, and iloveyou more than you know:)

and hey? imissyou baby:(

September 29, 2006 10:08 PM

 
Blogger Jaded said...

You posts always make me cry... not for you and not in pity but fot the pain of your loss... for the life of the boy you were and for the life of the man you are now...

And yet, I keep coming back because I can always close this particular window with a little more faith in the resilience of human nature and on a more basic level, a sense of celebration in knowing that my life has been touched by someone who is indeed special in that he has strength and purpose and belief in the face of all his trials!

May the Almighty always keep you safe and bless your life with much deserved serenity and joy!Take care

September 29, 2006 11:39 PM

 
Blogger Jaded said...

p.s. my comments just keep getting longer and longer... Sorry :)

September 29, 2006 11:40 PM

 
Blogger in2deep said...

hey baby:) imissyoutooooooooo. and even i dont know where i've been and where i am but i'm around. this website wasnt working for so long and i tried again and finally it started working.
imissyou and iloveyou loveyou:)

jaded: i love the long comments, please dont say sorry?:) and thankyou for crying with me and for keep coming back and always leaving great words behind.
you're a good friend.

September 30, 2006 8:04 PM

 

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