nobody knows it but me.

to continue with the story of my life,
which i left in the middle and disappeared for a long time...
i got lost.
i think i'm gradually finding my way.
i said gradually.
i have learnt that you will only find the way if you truly want to.
and you can do anything,
anything at all,
if you want to.

the key is to never give up.
keep praying.
keep the faith.
and someday,
things will work themselves out.

so to resume where i left....

december 2003,
i had no way of getting out of the situation so i went down to pakistan.
went to pindi where my family was residing then.
flew down there for 5 days.
got there,
had the ceremony,
the rings had already been exchanged..
it was a small gathering,
and i had gotten married.




i didnt tell her.
i didnt tell her that i was coming to pakistan.
i didnt tell her what was going to happen.
we didnt talk about it.
i disappeared on her,
and i think she figured it out on her own.

i came back and spoke to her on new years.
she was sleeping over at her friends house,
and i couldnt call her,
so i was sending her text messages from a website.

i will never forget that conversation.
i will never forget a word.


i wasnt in touch with her,
i didnt mesage her,
didnt call her,
didnt catch her online after that night.

2 weeks later,
she messaged me and i spoke to her.
it was the one of the nicest conversation i have ever had with anyone in my entire life.
we smiled immediately when we saw each other online,
and it was the same.
everything was the same.

i was miserable without her.
i wouldnt go home.
i would keep looking for work,
and stayed out most of the nights.

my wife per say was a joke.
i didnt look at her.
i didnt speak with her.
she tried talking,
and i would look away,
or get up and leave.

i was miserable.
i was angry.
i was pissed off.
i was sorry.
i was so in love with someone else.

two is a perfect number but one..

ive been trying to write here for the past 8 days now.
8 days.
and i cannot seem to find the correct words.
i feel more handicapped than i already am.

words have been my power.
my biggest asset.
my biggest strength.

her grandfather was in the hospital for 3 days.
she was sick herself.
she was irritable,
edgy,
and just sick & tired of things more than the sickness itself.

on the 24th of february,
i was in the middle of an argument/fight and she messaged and said she will get back to me,
her grandfathers passed away.

that was it.

i had to stay.
i wanted to stay.

and i did.
im still here.

her grandmother passed away last year in july due to cancer.
she suffered so much pain.
and she left her husband all alone.
he was old.
he was lonely.
and he had lived his life to the fullest.

she always tells me that he lived his life.
the last thing that he wanted to do was write a book,
and he did that too.

he was a great man.

now he is with his one.
they are back together.
they are happy.
that is why two is a perfect number.


im still lost.
i dont know where to go.

i feel like i'm 17 again.

17 but without a drink in my hand.

these days are the hardest.
staying sober and facing the world is not my first choice.
never was.

sometimes i want to have one drink.
just one.
but i know it starts from just one.
especially for me.
and it doesnt stop.
it stops when i can feel it.
and i start feeling when everyone else has collapsed.

i dont know what it is.
i dont know.
but something inside me keeps telling me to run.
everytime i close my eyes,
there is an image of me running.

and at the back of my mind,
in my head,
its her.
and the more i drink,
the clearer she becomes.

i will run away.
from them.
to her.

i will write again soon.
a better one.
for now,
i wanted to post something to let the world know...
im still alive.