Soultrips

Blog Change

2006-10-23T19:03:00.000+05:00

Dear All,

i have moved to www.pkblogs.com/soultrippy or soultrippy.blogspot.com

See you all there.

stuck in reverse

2006-10-01T20:34:00.000+05:00

i want to be happy.
i want to feel happy.
i want to give my heart just a moment of happiness even.
but i cannot bring myself to feel that.

i'm not sad but i'm not happy.
i don't know what i feel but i'm not okay with the way i feel.
i want to feel better.

things aren't going wrong,
but things aren't going right either.

everyone has become so quiet.
noone talks to anyone anymore.
we are 13 people living in one house,
and we've all become strangers to one another.

i don't know what it is..
but i hope to God that it is only a phase.
i pray to God every day that let it not be a way of us showing that we have been defeated.

i haven't given up yet.
that doesn't mean i'm strong.
i'm not.
i used to be.
but i'm not anymore.

i can only carry myself.
i cannot take 15 other people with me.
i don't want to take that responsibility.

i have my moods.
i have my moments.
i give up.
then i get up again.
it's very easy for me to stumble and fall down.
and i cannot explain what makes me start all over.
but i do.

i'm figuring out what life wants of me.
i'm figuring out what i can give back to life.
i'm trying to figure out the purpose.
not the meaning,
the purpose.

there is a difference.

i realized something today.

i heard a very old song "must've been love" after 3 years,
and i was listening to it and i hated it.
not the song but the pessimissm.

and i realized at that moment that i hate giving up.
i have always seen the glass half full.
always.
i am an optimist.
and that is my curse and my gift i guess:)

the time is 1126.
that is my birthday.
birthdays have always made me uncomfortable.
i don't know why.

i thought of mum and dad today and i cried.
i was missing them.
i miss them.
so much.
i think of them every single day of my life.
and every time i think of them tears come to my eyes.
just like right now..
:)

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse"

story of a boy

2006-09-28T16:49:00.000+05:00

i was a lost boy for many years.
i had created my own little world in my mind,
and i lived in it for almost 8 years.
it started when i was 14.

there was a sea of emotions embedded in me.
i didn't know what these emotions were.
i didn't know what was it that i was feeling,
and what was it that someone else was feeling.

i had the sense that all these emotions and feelings weren't mine.
but i didn't know how to screen which was mine,
and which wasn't.

i was quiet most of the times.
but i had a friend.
my imaginery friend was always there with me.
he was with me through my worse.

i started drinking because i couldn't deal with these emotions.
i wouldn't get drunk after drinking,
so i moved to drugs.

i tried everything to get rid of the feelings.
i don't remember my 17th and 18th year.
i spent it wasted.
i spent it sleeping on the pavements.
i wouldn't go home because i didn't want to give my parents the pain i was going through.

i worked day and night for cash to buy drinks and drugs.
i never asked for money from my parents for it.
never.
i hated asking for anything from them.

that was also the time when i thought i was adopted.
i thought why would they love me so much,
and grant my every wish?
i have to be adopted.

my parents sent me to a rehab twice.
i remember the most painful times of my life at the rehab.
i remember those long nights.
and i remember those loud days.

my friends never visited me all the while that i was there.
i will not forget waiting for them.
i waited for them not because i wanted their pity,
but i wanted them to come and encourage me and give me their support and tell me that now i'm doing the right thing and they are all here for me.

:)
they weren't there for me when i needed them the most.
but i forgive them.
i have forgiven everyone.
i don't want to hold grudges against anyone.
i don't have the heart to do that.

i cleaned washrooms.
toilet seats.
i swept dirty floors.
i stayed awake many nights.
i cried during the days.

i didn't know who i was.
what was my purpose.
i was lost.
and i was left alone.

those 2 months changed my life.
my attitude towards people.
friends.
parents.

i ran out of the rehab once,
but i couldn't run away from it the second time.

i have never suffered so much pain.
and after the second time,
i never touched a drug.
i never smoked up.
i never got high.

i realized.

but i kept drinking.
not as much as i used to,
but i was drinking.

i knew that i would and i could give it up whenever i wanted to.
i went to college and i hated it.
i wouldn't attend classes.
i would lay in my bed,
drunk.
sad.
lonely.

i didn't know what i was searching for.
but i knew my existence had a purpose.
i knew i was special,
but i didn't know what to do with it.

strange little things happened to me.

i have a habit of buying $ lottery tickets from the gas station every time i get gas;
and i have always scratched the lucky ticket.
i have never lost.

even if i have won just a dollar,
i have always won on the ticket.
always.

strange,
isn't it?

the last time i ever really got drunk was 2 days before i flew to Pakistan in september 2001.
that was the trip when i found S.
i never drank again.

i don't know why.
i think i didn't feel the need.
when i went back to the states,
i had a purpose in life.

i wanted to complete my thesis.
i wanted to kick ass and make everyone proud so i could stand on my own two feet and then tell S that i want her to spend the rest of her life with me.

i did all that.
i completed my thesis.
i kicked ass.
i got a great great job.
within 8 months i was made VP of my company.
i told S i loved her.
and we started planning our life together.

it felt good to have a purpose.
to work towards something.
the feelings and emotions simmered down.

i started feeling Ss' feelings.
and that was and is okay.
because i know whose feelings i'm feeling.

i have had a strange,
special life.
every single person that i have ever met has told me that i'm special.
for some reason,
i have always caught peoples attention.

i also know that it's not me but it's Gods gift.
that is why i say that maybe i am special.
i know i make a difference in peoples lives.
and i don't do it,
it is God who does it.

after all that i have been through,
and all that has happened,
and does happen,
and all my experiences and my pain,
i live.

:)

and i dare to dream.
and i dare to believe in those dreams.

"..And there's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done"

from here i can almost see the sea..

2006-09-26T22:06:00.000+05:00

the weather has suddenly become awfully pleasant after a horrifyingly hot day so i thought i should write.
and write something normal since i am feeling a little normal.
human.
better right now.

if S was here she would have said "baby i hope it rains.
"i love the rain."
:)
i miss her.
she's still in london.
coming back in almost 5 days now.

we talk off and on,
once in 2 days.
i spoke to her today in the morning for a while.
it was so nice.

it's strange but everytime the weather becomes pleasant,
and light wind starts blowing like right now,
i always think of my parents and my friend and i feel like they are thinking of me.
i smile every time the wind starts blowing and i become happy.
a peaceful happy.

that's what i feel right now.
i'm peaceful.
and i'm happy.

i spoke to M today for so long in peace.
normally she is busy with either college work,
or too dead to speak.
and i'm so tired that we ask how the went,
how we are,
send a text to my baby in london and go to sleep.

today for a change she called me and we spoke.
it was nice.
we talked about so many things.
she told me she has been thinking about E.

E was my best friend,
and he was completely in love with M.
these two met when M came to visit me in L.A.
he was willing to convert for her,
but she kept saying no to him.

she said it would never work.
her parents would never agree,
you're american,
i'm pakistani,
there are differences,
blah blah blah.

M liked him too.
she liked him alot.
you could not not like E.
i guess there was a reason that things between them never worked out..

i think about him and everyone else every single day.
but it was nice talking about him:)

to write a few lines about what's going on at my end;
everyone is quiet.
noone talks to anyone.
rich has become very quiet.
he needs some time off because he's taking everything really badly.

i don't blame him.
we've lost too many friends in too little time.
noone knows what it feels like to keep losing someone or the other after regular intervals.

i'm scared of meeting people now.
i feel that it's me.
i realize that it is not normal.
and i also realize that it is too much to handle.

i wish for a normal life.
normal friends.
normal home.
normal conversation.

i wish that one day i would write a normal post.
:)

i get my physio done every day.
my right side is improving, (mashallah)
and i've started feeling.
if i try and stand up i know i will be able to do that too.
but i don't want to.

i'm scared.
and i'm tired.

what will i get out of standing up and being able to walk anyway?
where will i go?

it's better to stay in bed.

and now because it's Ramazan,
i am fasting,
i don't even have my physio for very long.
i stay in bed.
or i go outside in my wheel chair and i sit in the small garden.

i don't talk to anyone.
talking is almost a burden on me now.
i'm sick of it.

i'm not the person i used to be.
i'm not the person i was even a week ago.
i don't know what has changed in me,
but i feel different.
i speak different.
i think different.

but i'm not sure if the change is good or bad.
not yet.
it's strange.

i want to write about what i used to be.
hmmm.

in my next post i will write about the person i used to be,
about my past and a few of my experiences of the normal life.
i promise it will not be boring:)

hell,
it's my life.
can it ever be boring?

the loss continues..

2006-09-24T23:53:00.000+05:00

another 4 days have passed.
another accident happened.
another boy passed away.
another day will come.
another few weeks will pass by.
another accident will happen.

and i will live to see another day.
another death.
another dark night.

i pray to God to help me.
save me.
a new month has started.
the month of ramadan.
the month of blessings.

i pray that things become better.
i don't know who i am anymore.

trampled in dust

2006-09-21T01:04:00.000+05:00

"i have a normal life." S said to me last night on the phone.
and i said "yeah, i know you do."

after a long time i realized how true that is.
she does have a normal life.
and like she said,
everything else is normal too.

she asked me "you think we'll end up together?"
and i said "i don't know."

and then i asked "you think we will?"
and she said "i don't know."

i don't even know what to feel anymore.

i feel guilty and i feel responsible for this girl.
i promised to give her the world.
and now both of us are running away from that same world.

i don't know the meaning of this life.
my life.
i don't understand the reason.
i don't know the purpose.
i have no direction.

i said to her last night "come back soon"
and she said "no."
"i'm not coming back."
"you will come now."

i promised her the world.
and now we're running from that same world.

i cannot handle things anymore.
i'm so close to doing something so stupid.
i'll be so stupid to go through with it after coming so close.

am i crazy?

i think i am going crazy.
maybe that's when i'll find some peace.

i'm okay.
but i'm not fine.
i'm losing my mind.

my small family

2006-09-18T18:23:00.000+05:00

S is in London right now.
she went last friday and i miss her so much.
so much so so so so so much.
somehow,
it's always stranger and weirder when she goes anywhere.
even if it's for two days to just another city.
this arrangement is not something we're used to.

i'm the one always travelling and coming and going.
when she goes,
it's different.
it's strange.

there is always this fear at the back of my mind "what if she meets someone there?"
strange.

so these days M is responsible for me.
she is always the default when S goes anywhere.
before,
when S went somewhere and M was taking care of me,
she was given a handful of things-to-do.
now she's a pro.

a few posts ago i even said that i will write about M and tell you about her.
i think today i should.

hmmm.

i will.

it all started a few weeks after i had started talking to S on msn and we were exchanging e-mails regularly.
one day i wrote an e-mail to her but my hotmail refused to open.
and then this person logged in and messaged me and introduced herself.
we immediately hit it off and it was great.
there was no awkward this is her friend,
i should be careful with her.
formal with her.
nothing of the sort.
it was an instant bond.

i asked if her hotmail was opening and she said yes.
and then,
i pasted every single word to her on the MSN window,
and she pasted it on to her hotmail,
and sent it to S.

:)
that was our first conversation.

and since that day,
she has been there every step of the way.
every single little step of the way.

we are so alike.
she is my perfect soulmate.

there have been so many times when S has said to me oh my God you and M really need to get married.

she is one of the most genuine people i have ever known.

she has always gone out of her way for almost everyone.
the way that she has done so much for me,
for S,
i can never thank her enough for it.

the best part?

she doesn't even realize what all she does and has done.
she is not looking for a thank you.
she is not looking for acknowledgement.

it all started happening with her after she visited me.
she met me,
and all hell broke loose.
it still does at times.

men followed her everywhere.
they showed her guns.
they've entered her house,
taken her with them,
hit her.
slapped her.
punched her.
kicked her.
asked her all kinds of questions.
called up her father,
making up all kind of crap and telling him..
threatened her..
hacked her e-mails.
her msn.
her computer.
her cell phone.

the reason for that?

they think she's my sister.

the reason for that?

she calls me brother.
i am like a brother to her.
and she is the sister that i never had.
and that is how we are,
and that's the price she pays.

that's the price she pays for coming to see me when she did.
spending time with me.
taking care of me.

she is not even in this,
yet she is the most involved.

people are always following her.
her phone lines are always tapped.
her cell is always traced.

her every move is recorded.
every single move.

she's been through the worst times of her life because of me.
and she doesn't complain.
she doesn't even think "what the fuck?"

she's the best:)
she really is.

she knows S is not around,
and she recently joined college,
which means she's busy most of the times and she gets home late.
but every single day,
the minute she enters her house she calls me to let me know that she's home.

she asks me about my day,
she talks to me.
she makes me laugh.
and i make her cry.

i'm the only man who has ever made her cry.
(i'm selfishly happy about that)

there was a time when i was getting to know S,
and M came to the U.S. and i would call her up and ask her to tell me things about my baby.
and without exaggeration,
she would sit there,
telling me little things and stories about her for hours and hours on end.

i call her at random hours.
that's the fun of calling her and waking her up and talking to her.
the most fun is calling her up at 4am and saying "i'm bored" talk to me,
and she will curse me and hate me and talk to me:)

i love her.
love her.
i'm so possessive about her.
and i love it.

she and my baby are the only family i am left with.

M always says to me that my family and my father will go with you to Ss' house and ask her father for her hand.
you are my family.
you are my brother,
and we'll it all perfect for you:)

her belief.
her faith.
her strength.
her courage.

i admire and i love and i respect her for all that and so much more.

she's is close to God.
in a very non-conventional manner.
i know God listens to her.

He listens to everyone..
but He really listens to her.

things aren't great at all in her house.
she has one of the most messed up families i will ever hear of.
but she's going strong.
she loses it,
but she re-gains it.

it was her faith in God that got me thinking about God.
it's her trust,
her belief.
it's admirable.

she loves me.
she hates me.
but she loves me.

she is simple.
she is genuine.
she is crazy.
she is hilarious.
she is emotional.
she is sensitive.
she is my sister.
she is my brother.
she is my friend.
she is M.

tagged from khizzy

2006-09-14T18:18:00.000+05:00

am thinking about...
what life has in store for me next.

I said...
iloveyou and i swear i still do.

I want to...
stand up on my feet again.

I wish...
i could change the world.

I miss...
my parents and my friends.

I hear...
Dil Chahey - Saahil
Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake

I wonder...
what things would have been like right now if i was living a normal life.

I regret...
no regrets.

I am...
comfortably numb.

I dance...
anytime i hear a good beat.

I sing...
under my breath.

I cry...
everytime i think of my parents and my friends.

I am not always...
the best person to have a conversation with.

I write...
in my blog and i love it.

I confuse...
everyone.

I need...
peace of mind.

I should try...
to be more patient.

I finish...
everything that i start.

somewhere in between

2006-09-10T13:01:00.000+05:00

i haven't been blogging at all because i've been in india ever since my last post and been super busy.
i had a very busy schedule there and no time for any extra curricular.
i came back home yesterday for 2 days for a meeting with fish,
and i had some time and i wanted to write so here i am.

i went to india and now i'm seeing a shrink there because like i said in my previous post,
my physio therapist thinks i'm going a little insane.
i see him every day,
he asks me questions which sometimes i answer sometimes i stay quiet.

i hate it when ayone asks me questions about my life.
or the standard question "so tell me about your life"
i want to bang my head against the wall now.
i've told the damn story too many times to too many people who haven't done shit about it.

i also do some hand and arm exercises in the morning with brit,
which have made a difference i have to admit.
how?

the other day brit put ice in my left hand,
and after a few moments i did feel some sensation.
it means that my nerves can and do respond,
even if it's tiny.

so my nerves are relaxing gradually.
brit said he will start working again on my right leg from the coming week.
he believes it will be alright very soon.

right now all the encouragement and positive words don't mean anything to me.
it actually pisses me off.

coming to other things..
S and i speak every day.
every night before going to sleep we speak because that is the only time i get.
since i'm home,
we spoke today in the afternoon.

it's just...
taking things as they come.
taking every day as it comes and living it.
it's hard.
when i'm on the phone with her there are a million things going through my head.

friday night was a special night for Muslims.
it was the 15th of the islamic month of Sha'ban according to the islamic calender.
us, Muslims believe that this is a special and sacred night,
and we pray to Allah (God) all night,
from Isha'a prayers till Fajr prayers. (sunset till sunrise the next day)
and after that most people fast the following day.
so friday night was the sacred night,
and saturday was the day when people fast.

like everyone else,
i prayed too and i fasted too.

i can talk to God.
i speak to Him and He speaks back.
that night i wasn't speaking to Him.
i didn't call Him.
but He came anyway.

i was praying.
i prayed for everyone that i know and everyone that i have lost.
i was upset.
i was sad.
i was crying.

i cried because i knew that He was there,
listening to me.
He asked me to look up and then He told me that it will be okay.
He talks to me in a simple language.
He doesn't complicate it for me.

He said "it is going to be okay."
and i asked Him "when?"
and He said "I know you cannot do this anymore.
"You are My creation.
"You are My son.
"I love you and I will look after you.
"You will be okay."

and i said to Him "i don't even care to be okay anymore.
"i don't even want to be okay anymore."

and He smiled at me.

i told Him not to laugh at me.

and He said "I'm not laughing at you.
"this is a proud smile.
"you have come so far."

i asked about my parents and my family and my friends and He told me that they are all okay but they are not happy with me.
they don't like what i'm doing to myself and with myself.

hearing that made me more upset.
i cried some more.
and i thought to myself "You took all of them away from me.
"You take everything away from me.
i collect the little pieces together and it doesn't take a moment for You to spread them all into a million little pieces again and then i'm supposed to be okay with it?"

He knew what all was going through my head.
He knew what i was feeling and He also knew what i was thinking.
but He didn't say anything.

He left.
not angry,
but He knew that i wanted to be left alone.
and He did exactly that.

i still have hope.
i don't know why but i still believe.
maybe it's because i know that my God is with me and He listens to me.
i don't know what it is,
but my faiths intact.

strange.

i told all that to S.
i told her that i haven't given up.

that doesn't mean that we are back together.
or that we will get married now.
it just means that...
i guess it means that i will keep trying.

i can get better.
i know i can.
and i'll work.
i'm not sure what it is that i'm heading towards..
and i don't know the meaning of my life.
but i do know that i'm living a very extra-ordinary life,
in extra-ordinary circumstances.

maybe most of you don't even believe what i write.
and rightly so.
because you don't know of anyone who has actually been through most of the things that i go through.

my world is different from yours.
your life is normal.
my life was normal too once.

i had a home.
a mother and a father.
friends.
relatives.

i went to school.
college.

i had a job.
a boss.
co-workers.

but i always knew i was a little different.
and i was told and am still told that i'm special.
i'm told that there is a reason i come in to peoples lives.
not that they come in to my life,
but that i come in to theirs.

we're all searching for answers.
we're all incomplete.
completely incomplete.
we're all lost.

we all have doubts.
regrets.
guilt.
secrets.
lies.
fears.

it's scary.
it's scary living with all these evils.
it's scary living alone.

i'm alone.
i'm scared.
i'm afraid.
i'm hopeful.
i'm different.
i'm special.
i'm lost.
i'm found.

I'm waiting for tonight.
And i've been waiting for tomorrow.
I'm somewhere in between.
i don't know what is real.
and i don't know what is just a dream.
i'm somewhere in between.

randomness at its randomist

2006-09-05T18:20:00.001+05:00

what are we?
what is the siginificance of each one of us?

nothing.

i don't mean anything to the world outside of me.
my being is not making a difference to anyone who is reading this.
except for one.

why even that one?

why is it that you mean the world to that one person?

what is it that pulls you towards that one person?
how do we choose?
how do we decide?

is it really the heart or is it our fate?

i believe that there is a reason that we meet the people that we do.
and i also believe that the time in life when we meet people also has a reason.
i believe very strongly that it is all very calculated.
the time.
the placement.
the situation.

i don't believe in the theory of "coincidence."

if i believed in coincidences then i would be contradicting my belief of reason.

ironically enough,
i don't need reasons.

i've never asked for reasons.
for anything.

i've never wanted to understand the reason.
and i haven't become this way now,
so don't think i'm disillusioned.

i have always been this way.

and then i met someone for whom reason is everything.
she likes to get to the depth of every word.
phrase.
situation.

we are two very different people.
completely different actually.
our approach to life is poles apart.

she pays attention to the details.
to the unbelievably minute details.
i don't pay attention to anything.
(and that could also be because i'm a guy.)

names,
numbers,
places,
these things to matter to her.

to me they don't matter.
i don't pay attention to names.
not in a rude way,
but i just don't remember them.
that's why i don't care for a name.

what matters is the person.
people.
not their names.
names are just..
just a tag.
a label.
to distinguish one from another.

what does it matter?
what is in a name anyway?

i didn't know the name of my doctor until the day he passed away.
i used to call him doctor saab.
i never ask anyone their name.

i never even asked S her name.
funnily enough,
she asked if i was even the least bit curious to know what her name was.
and i said you will tell me when you do.
i'm okay calling you my littlebug.

and in all the years i have known her,
i haven't taken her name more than 10 times.
if even those many times.

strange.

this post is strange too.

fyi,
i'm not going with it anywhere.
so if you want to stop reading,
you may.

and those of you who stay till the end of it,
leave a comment.
just tell me you were here and say hello to me at least.

i don't know many people anymore.

i keep losing people.

i've lost too many.
too many in too little time.

i didn't even get to mourn properly.

i don't know if i wrote in any of my previous posts but my friend C,
who was travelling with me in the ship..
she passed away this year.
beginning of this year.

i just got a call.

no explanation.
no details.
just that she was really sick,
and in pain.

that's it.
just the news.

i was just supposed to deal with it.

and i didn't even mourn.

and then doctor saab.
just like that.

and i didn't even mourn properly.
it didn't even hit me.
gunshots hit me before i could realize that doctor saab was no longer there.

i'm on my way to india right now.
brit wants to get my complete check-up done,
and see how much of me is damaged.
and how much of me is recoverable.

and on top of all that,
brit feels that i should see a shrink.
he thinks that i'm losing my mind.

even if i am,
isn't it about freakin' time?

in my opinion,
me remaining sane during all that i have been through should have been the first sign of slight insanity.

i could use a few tranquilizers.
a few drugs.

today for the first time ever since i had given up drinking and doing coke,
i felt the need.

a few times in the past,
i have missed it.
i do miss it.
i miss drinking and i miss getting totally fucked out of my brains.

today i wasn't missing it.
today i needed it.

last night S and i spoke.
there was no crying,
no denials.
no hopeless dreams.
that's why i said we spoke.

it was a good conversation.
it was a reality check.
a practical talk.

we're not together.
we're not us.
but we cannot be apart.
not right now anyway.

we will be when we will be.

i remember reading that..
waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which one to do is the worst kind of suffering.

:)

it's hard.
really hard.

no one said it would be easy but no one said it'd be this hard..

life is strange.

you just don't know do you?

it would be scary if we knew.
so i guess it's fine the way it is.

the unknown is good.

we're about to land so this is the end for now.

do leave me a one line hello.

more than a feeling

2006-09-04T09:20:00.000+05:00

So as all of you can tell by the previous posts, things havent been too great. I felt a thousand different feelings yesterday. If not more.
I've been through those feelings before. And its been horrible. And it was horrible yesterday too. He messaged me saying all those things he's said one two many times before- that we cannot be together. Who are we kidding. This will keep happening. I cannot do this again. We're not kids. You need to let go.

I've been through all of that before, except this time things were a little different. This time? I said okay. I nodded. I didnt scream and get mad trying to tell him we belong, you have to go on.

You know why?
I'm so tired.
Tired in a way that I cannot put into words, no matter how long I sit here for.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with my life; more importantly, where God's taking me. I hate being disillusioned and losing hope. I've just never been that sort.
I've always just looked for the better in a situation and i have ALWAYS found it.

Whats different about this time?
I wish I knew.

I cried yesterday the way I haven't cried for a long long time. The way that most of you wouldn't know. The way someone cries when reality and your hope are on their way to a head-on collision. Where you just want something so badly that you're prepared to give up living if you cant have it.

I've never been one of those silly irrational people who say things like I wish I didn't have to live anymore. I wish I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm done with this life and I'm prepared to do whats next.

Not yesterday.
I don't know where that person went yesterday.
I don't know how long I can go on for.
I don't know how long I want to go on for.

All I know is I still love him as much, if not more than I did the first time it hit me that I loved him.

All I know is he makes everything okay.
All I know is he's my best friend in the whole world, and he's the only one who knows me. The Me I've never shown to anyone.
He's the only one who'll call me up and ask why I cried, even when I was sitting locked up in a room quickly drying up my tears so noone would notice.
He's the only one who makes me happy. The only one who brought out the real me from a slumber of more than five years.

I could go on.

But God knows all this.

He knows it and yet....

I don't know.

All I know is that the worst thing to lose out of all the things in this world,

is hope.

I don't even need to type all this out for God to read.
He still knows everything that I haven't even said.

I know He knows how little my heart is.
I know He knows that the smallest of things makes me cry. I know He knows it doesn't take a second to make me sad. I know He knows that I cannot be without my him. And my him cannot be without me. He knows all this.

He's the One who brought us together. He's the One who taught us to love. He's the One who gave the other a best friend.

And I pray that He'll be the One to help us out and bring us through this too.

Not make it better,
but give us "us."

the end.

2006-09-04T00:18:00.000+05:00

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend,
The end.

as the waves of disenchant thrash on my window..

2006-09-02T11:22:00.000+05:00

We were as one

For a moment in time,

And it seemed everlasting

That you would always be mine..

Now you want to be free, so I’ll let you fly ‘Cause I know in my heart Our love will never die.

You’ll always be a part of me-

I’m part of you indefinitely

Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me, oh darling ‘cause you’ll always be my baby,

And we’ll linger on.. time can’t erase a feeling this strong,

no way you’re ever gonna shake me oh darling, ‘cause you’ll always be my baby.

I ain’t gonna cry, and I won’t beg you to stay;

If you’re determined to leave boy, I will not stand in your way..

But inevitably, you’ll be back again 'cause you know in your heart babe,

our love will never end.

You’ll always be a part of me-
I’m part of you indefinitely
Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me, oh darling ‘cause you’ll always be my baby,
And we’ll linger on.. time can’t erase a feeling this strong,
no way you’re ever gonna shake me oh darling, ‘cause you’ll always be my baby.

I know that you’ll be back boy, when your days and your nights get a little bit colder.

I know that you’ll be right back baby, believe me it’s only a matter of time..

iloveyou.

i do.

Yours,

forever,

fool in the rain

2006-09-02T00:45:00.000+05:00

ever since the accident doctor saab wasn't doing too good,
even though he had woken up.
yesterday morning at around 720 am he passed away..

his name was danielle,
and he was 41.
he suffered serious head injuries,
and there was internal bleeding.

his body was sent to his grand father who lives in the U.S.
it was a harsh day yesterday.
little did i know that today was going to happen too.

i had slept 2 hours the night before,
so when i finally went to sleep at 3 am last night,
i just didn't feel like waking up today.

i finally woke up at 5 pm,
and the weather was beautiful.

it was the perfect rain,
the light drizzle at times,
the cool wind in which you want to close your eyes and sit back and just...
be.

i ate,
showered and went outside to see how the boys were doing.
everyone was really upset yesterday,
and not very well at all.
the weather cheered everyone a little,
and we decided to have tea outside.

after tea i got up thinking i should walk for a while,
since i hadn't done that in 2 days.

so i'm walking,
and as soon as i'm about to turn i feel a sharp burning sensation in my stomach..
something i have felt before.

and as i look down,
something cuts through my right leg.
i'm falling down.
it happens again in my leg..
but this time it's close to my thigh.

i fall down.
my left arm starts burning.
and then there is pain.

i can hear the boys shouting and yelling.
they run to me,
pick me up and take me inside immediately.

i was shot 4 times.

someone calls the doctor who was here to look after doctor saab.

i don't know what all he was doing,
but my stomach hurting like hell.

the pain from my leg had faded away.
and wherever the doctor was touching my leg,
i couldn't feel it.

same with my left arm.
i felt the shot as soon as it happened.
and some pain for a few seconds.
and then nothing.

the doctor hasn't said anything to me yet.
but i know i fell.
falling for someone like me is not good.

as i write this..
i cannot feel my right leg.
and i cannot feel my left arm.
i cannot move my left hand and my fingers..
not even the slight movements that i had started to make.

i have thrown up atleast 20 times in the past 5 hours.
mostly blood.

i'm not sure where i'm going now.
or what it is that i'm going to do.

but i do know that i'm tired.

and i cannot keep picking myself up.
i cannot do it all over again.

i don't want to do it.
just to fall down again.

it's too hard.

maybe one day.
some day.
i would want to do it again.
all over again.
all of it.

but not right now.
not today.
not tomorrow.

i'm not sad.
i'm not angry.
i'm not pissed off.
i'm not upset.

i still believe.

S asked me a while ago..
she said "do you still believe in God?"
and i said "yes."
she asked "do you trust Him?"
and i said "yes."

i do believe.
and i do trust Him.

maybe He knows something that i dont.
we dont.

i just hope He knows what He's doing.
because i sure as hell have no fucking clue where He's going with this right now.

about S and me.

i know that she doesn't have time.
and i need time.
lots of it.

i don't know what will happen.
to us.
to her.
to me.

i don't know.

"the child is grown,
the dream is gone.
i have become comfortably numb."

I'm closer to where I started

2006-08-31T09:21:00.000+05:00

How many hits should a person take before they actually decide to back down? Its a case of trying til you succeed vs. if you still cant get it, its probably not for you and God is trying to tell you something.

I've been faced with this dilemma for the most part of my growing up phase. The choices that seem to be better, opposing what I want. Its usually been my heart vs. my head. I am no different than almost every person who shares their existence in this world with me, and believe me, I'm well aware of that.

At the same time, I've always been the practical person. I've pretty much always tried to do what is "right". Probably why I never achieved much, because I'd cut myself too short.

Not in the past few years.
The past few years have changed me a lot. Everything I thought I was...I wasnt.
It was a strange thing to realize.
Its harder for a person who thinks with their head in some situations and with their heart in some. Why? Because both the choices pull you toward them almost equally.
Not in the past few years.
Not as far as he is concerned.

With him, its not even a choice. With him, there is not one doubt in my mind. With him, all other options are not driven away, they just seem to fade away themselves.

With him, everything isnt made right,
it just is.
just.
is;
even among all the wrong things that happen, and continue to happen.

With him, I believe.

I'll go on. I'll always go on. I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him. I will. You'll see.

Like everyone else, I also often wish that God could talk back to me. Too many questions to ask. Too many why's how's and where's, but most importantly, like I said, the why's.

But He does talk back to him. My him.
And recently, we talked to Him. I didnt have to say anything, I didnt need to ask the questions, I didnt need to cry or laugh or shout out loud. When he asked me what I wanted to know, I just said tell God to talk to me.

And you know what He said? He said do you want me to end this now if its not going to happen? I froze.

I always freeze in such situations: when you want to ask the question, but aren't quite sure you want to hear the answer.

You know what I said?

I said if its not supposed to happen then I want You to make it happen. I want us to be together, and I want us to end up together.

And I said and I'm sorry if I sound rude when I say this,
but I'm willing to fight You for it if thats what it takes.

I cant be certain, but I think I saw a little smile up there when I said that.

I'll go on.
I'll always go on.
I'll always fight.
Giving up doesn't get anyone anywhere.

I'll get him.
I will.
You'll see.

-S.

hmmm.

2006-08-31T02:13:00.000+05:00

i haven't been around at all and i come to my blog and someone is writing in the cbox with my nick.
not happy.
at all.

i had to let everyone know i'm still alive.

and who ever it is,
stop fucking around in my blog.

get your own blog.
or atleast get your own nick name.
or even better?

get a life.

in all unfairness

2006-08-26T02:34:00.000+05:00

S and i had stopped planning on meeting for a while now because everytime we try to,
and we plan it and when it's almost time,
every single time...
something goes wrong.
for example the last time..
i was going to pick her up from her house and half way a car came and hit my car so hard..
and i completely fucked my back.
and the boy who was with me took me back home immediately,
thinking that the injury might turn in to something big.

S and i still haven't met..
if you guys haven't figured that out as yet.
we've been planning on meeting for over 2 years now...
yet we're still together.

so this time...
we planned to meet.
didn't make a big deal out of it.
and guess what happens?

doctor saab was going to get a few of my test results from the hospital when two cars came and hit him.
he was in the passenger seat..
he's got some serious head injuries and is unconscious.
and the boy who was driving got seriously injured too,
but he's up.
he's hurt his back and leg but he'll be okay inshallah.

it sucks.
it more than sucks.

i'm not sure what is it that keeps us going..
giving us a reason to go on.

we've been together 4 and a half years and then some,
still haven't met.
but we know we cannot live without each other.

it's not like haven't broken up.

we broke up 3 times.

i got married in the middle of the madness too.

and somehow we worked it out.
we've reached here.
we've come so so so far than both of us ever imagined.

i'm not sure what to think of it.
what to make of it all.

is it that it's not our time yet.
or is it that we're just not meant to be.

but why wouldn't we be together?

we're so good together.
there is a connection.
there is that clicking.
it was there day 1,
and it's still there after all this time.

we still make each other laugh.
we still complete each others sentences.
we cry together.
we make each other happy.
we still bring that same smile to the others face as we did in the first 6 months.

she still makes my heart skip a beat.
she still makes my heart race.

i know how i feel.
and i'm sure of my feelings.
and i know that there is nothing else that i want.
i keep telling her that i will steal you away from God if that's what it takes.

for me,
she is the one.
she is my one.

in my vulerable time..
she could have gone.
she doesn't deserve all this.
why would she stay with me?

for what?
for whom?

for someone that yeah she loves,
but has never met?
never seen?

but she stayed.

and the times that i left..
i came back.
not for her.
to her.

there have been so many times,
and still are times,
when i need her more than she needs me.
and she's aware of that.

and she stays.
not for me.
she stays with me.

we haven't said our vows yet..
but we're living up to them.
we've lived up to them.

we don't do because we have to.
or we should.
we do because we want to.

after all this and so much more,
you expect us to believe we don't belong together?
or that we cannot be together?

why?

why us?

people everywhere get married and have relationships with all kinds of wrong people.
why or how are we different?

we haven't even been given a shot at "us"
not even once.

it's always been about everyone else.
and everything else.
it's always about the third person.

it has never ever.
ever.
been about you and me.

all that there is about "us" are our thoughts.
our dreams.
our little and big plans.

at some insane level,
i guess i understand what all happened with me.
to me.
my family.
my friends.
everyone that i ever knew.

i get that.
like i said,
at some insane..
strange level,
i get that.

what i don't get is...
what is so unusual that we have asked or is what we want.

all we ask is for us to be together.
like any other normal one girl and one boy.
they meet each other.
like each other.
fall in love.
get married.
have kids.
have a family.

that's all we want.
that's it.

how many people do we all know who met,
fell in love and got married?
i'm sure everyone who is reading this knows atleast one situation of the sort,
right?

all we want is that one little chance.
a chance to feel that feeling in the stomach.
that knowing smile.
that touch.
that hug.
that first date.
that first kiss.

so much happened,
happens,
continues to happen every single day,
and in the middle of all that,
there is a fairy-tale.

and you just wait and see.
it will finish with a happily ever after.
(inshallah.)

you know why?

because it didn't start with "once upon a time..."

walking down memory lane..

2006-08-24T03:45:00.000+05:00

before i get on to the real post of today i want to quickly run through the 3 days i didn't write.
everyday is an event,
so it will be very hard for me to keep you guys up to date that's why you guys need to be with me on a daily basis.

okay so...i mentioned that i was having these very tiring meetings.
the meetings ended on friday with an agreement (between rich and fish.)
to sum it up in a few words,
my whole case will now completely be handled by rich.
and whenever he needs any information,
fish will provide him with that.

that is one huge step in all of this mess.

the next big step is that one of richs' boss came yesterday along with a lawyer.
MY case is being prepared now,
which i will file and get some justice.
from tomorrow,
i will sit down with the lawyer and tell her (yes the lawyer is a she! yay!:)) everything from day 1.
how it happened.
when it happened.
why it happened.
it will be painful to go back in the past..
and live all the moments that i have buried.
so deep deep down.

rich said to me today that i should be prepared for the worst possible questions because she is your lawyer,
and she needs to know more than what is written on some peice of paper.
she needs to live your life down the painful memory lane with you..
for a secure and happy future.

there is my past that i have to live through,
and there are the financial settlements which need to be taken care of to;
that fish dealt with at the time.
so he will be sitting in the meeting through satellite,
and provide all the information.

it will be a painful process.
and i will keep updating you with its progress and details,
and inshallah really soon my case will be filed and all this mess will be over.
:)

coming to the post of the day,
ill give a very brief introduction of M today.
and tomorrow,
i will tell you guys all about her.

M is one of S's friends,
whom i have become very close to.
when i was in the U.S. and S and i had recently started talking,
that first summer,
M came to the states to visit her family.
that is when i used to call her up every single day and every single night,
asking her about S.

the poor soul would stay up with me till 7 in the morning,
telling me stories and little incidents that had happened involving S.
the next summer,
when i had my accident..
she was in the states again for work and her cousins wedding.
she flew from houston all the way to L.A. just to see me (as i have mentioned in my post about the accident.)
and took great care of me.
she was right there with me when my leg was amputated.
and she had brought her cell phone from Pakistan,
just so she could stay in touch with S and keep letting her know of any updates about me.

she called S and i spoke to her for the first time after my accident because of her.
the things she has done for me...
no real sister would ever do.

for now,
i wanted to give an introduction of M.
tomorrow i will write about all that happened at M end,
after she visited me in L.A. that year.

Monday Meme- A Countdown

2006-08-22T02:32:00.000+05:00

took it off one of the bloggers.
i like to list things down.

9 Lasts...
1. Last place you were: Kitchen.
2. Last drug used: Tylenol, 30 minutes ago. My throat hurts.
3. Last beverage: Mountain Dew with dinner.
4. Last kiss: *next*
5. Last movie seen: The breakup.
6. Last phone call: M.
7. Last CD played: Mix song cd that I made.
8. Last bubble bath: Too long ago.
9. Last time you cried: a couple of weeks ago...i was missing my best friend eric.

8 Have You Evers...
1. Have you ever dated someone twice: No.
2. Have you ever been cheated on: No (not that I know.)
3. Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it? Hell yeah!
4. Have you ever fallen in love: Yes.
5. Have you ever lost someone: Yes.
6. Have you ever been depressed: Yes, but not for long.
7. Have you ever been out of the country: Yes.
8. Have you ever been on TV: No.

7 States You've Been To...(not counting the one you live in)
1. Illinois
2. Maryland
3. California
4. Minnesota
5. Michigan
6. New Jersey
7. Iowa
8. New York
9. Texas
10. Florida
11. Colorado
12. Virginia
13. Pennsylvania
14. Wisconsin
15. Ohio
16. West Virginia
17. Hawaii

6 Things You've Done Today...
1. Made myself a sandwich.
2. Read blogs.
3. Got my physio done.
4. Actually got on the treadmill and worked on it for a good 25 minutes.
5. Slept at 830 a.m.
6. Spoke to M after too long.

5 Favorite Things...
1. Dave Mathews Band.
2. Hot Showers.
3. Talking to S.
4. Travelling.
5. Drawing.

4 Things You Want:
1. To fly a plane.
2. Buy a ship.
3. Own an island.
4. Marry S.

3 Favorite Colors...
1. Blue
2. Red
3. Purple

2 things you want to do before you die...
1. Write a complete book of my life and also write a screen play of it.
2. Travel the whole world and visit every nook and corner, climb mountains, cross rivers and seas.

1 thing you regret...
1. I've lived my life and done every thing that i ever wanted. No regrets.

treadomilophobia

2006-08-20T23:00:00.000+05:00

my physio therapist believes that it's time for me to get on the treadmill.
he thinks that i need to start exercising regularly on the machine,
so my leg muscles relax and my limb gets used to particular movements.

my problem with this whole idea is that i'm scared of treadmills.

i have never been on one.
ever.
but i have seen people run and walk on it,
and i feel that i will do a very bad of running or even walking on it.
it's ridiculous.
why do i need to walk on a machine to relax my muscles when i can walk on earth.

why?

i tried to make a deal with my physio therapist (dr. brit.)
i said to him that i will walk triple the time that he wants me to spend on the goddamned treadmill,
but he refuses to listen to me.

i hate doctors and their logic.
i have always hated them.
i don't get them.

anyway.

so 2 days ago i was sitting with my boys after tea and just hanging out when one of them suggested that i should get on the treadmill with them and i profusely refused.
they kept saying we will pick you up and take you there and i kept saying dont you dare fucking even try.

eventually 2 of them came and picked me up and put me on the treadmill and wouldn't let me get off it.
i tried to get out of it and complained for half hour after which i gave up.
they started the damn thing and kept telling me how to work on it.

after struggling and juggling and fumbling for about 20 minutes on the thing,
i told them that's it for my first day and i got off.

today,
when i went to get my physio done dr brit decided i don't need to get physio anymore for a while and i am going to be working on the treadmill for the next few days,
which i know for sure will turn in to weeks.

hmmph.

so i got on the treadmill,
and for the first 15 minutes or so he taught me how to work with my feet when the belt starts moving.
and then he switched it on.
i struggled with it for a long time.
i cannot get the hang of it,
and most importantly,
i don't know how to balance myself while walking when the ground beneath me is moving.

it scares the hell out of me.
please don't think that i'm a freak.
i'm not.
i promise.

i have hardly gotten used to standing up on my own feet and walking confidentally.
i need time.
i will get used to this daymned machine.

i worked on it for over an hour in total today.
it was uncomfortable and annoying and irritating at times but i know i need to do it.
i have to do it.
i even googled treadmills and amputations and artificial legs today,
and read up on it.
it seems to have worked for so many people.

i will get used to it too.
it requires hard work,
but with a life like mine,
what doesn't require hard work?

the culture of sweepresses

2006-08-18T18:14:00.000+05:00

there is one thing that our culture has that none other does.
and that is the sweepress who comes to our house.

they are different,
but they are all the same.

every single house has one of them.
if you have never been to Pakistan,
read on and you will know what you guys are missing out on.
and what is the one thing that all of us have in common,
without even having to try.

this is the story of every house every morning in Pakistan.

they arrive at our house at around 9 am.
some houses at 10 am.

they have this special gift.
a very very VERY high pitched voice.

as soon as they arrive,
it is all about the sweeping and the yelling.
the screaming.
the arguing.
the discussions of their life (and others) with our mothers or more commonly with our grandmothers.

all of them have the same story, the same hurt, the same truth, the same life.

1. a husband who is a drug addict and doesn't do anything for a living.
2. their house which is so small that it cannot fit a family of 10 anymore, which includes their 8 children and the couple.
3. the husband who beats her up every day if she doesn't give him money.
4. how she doesn't want anymore kids but the husband wants a son so they're trying again after seven girls, and that is why she is pregnant again for the 4th time in the 3 years that she has been working for you.

then there is a new story every day of our strange neighbors (because every sweepress works for atleast 7-8 houses in the same locality or her 6 daughters work at 6 different houses in the same locality or community.)

those kind of stories normally are about:

1. neighbors' guests who are visiting from abroad. (mainly the U.S. or U.K.)
2. the neighbor is so stingy, and she doesn't pay her well at all.
3. how much the neighbors spent on their son/daughters wedding recently. (the systematic break down of cost and expenses is discussed.)
4. the neighbors new daughter-in-law who is so spoilt.
to support the judgement a detailed account of her daily routine is listed down.

she gets up at 10 am.
then she orders breakfast.
she eats and watches tv.
she goes in for a shower.
she takes the driver and goes God knows where all.
and then comes back late in the evening when her husband is about to return from work.

5. how the world is changing and how the society has changed and the environment is just not suitable for girls to go out alone anymore.
6. neighbors childrens school results/their new jobs/their daughters proposals etc.

these women are a very essential part of our culture.
it's almost impossible to live without them,
and absolute hell to live with them.

the worst day is sunday,
especially if you've had a rough previous week.
that's the one day that we decide to sleep until late in the afternoon,
and we instruct everyone not to wake us up for breakfast, lunch, tea, war etc.
but we forget the most important person.

argh.

she enters the room,
starts cleaning up and begins a running commentary.
she continues to talk to herself complaining about the mess.
the worst time is when she switches off the fan,
and starts sweeping the floor,
well aware of the face that there is a living person.
sleeping right. there.

then she goes to the washroom.
you hear the flush.
you hear things falling/being thrown.
you hear water running continously.

this goes on for a good 20 minutes.
when you are wide awake,
almost at the verge of killing yourself or screaming,
you see them coming out of the washroom with their equipment.
making their exit from the room.

&%$&^%@*!^&*^#$%$#%

fragile dreams

2006-08-17T15:36:00.000+05:00

i miss everyone.
i miss mum and dad the most.
i miss them every day and i think about them every day but last night..
you know when sometimes you miss someone so much and you just wish that they could come in front of you or you could just fly to them?
that is how i was missing mum and dad yesterday.

i was trying to remember what the last thing was that we had said to each other.
but i just couldn't remember.
i remember mum shedding some tears and saying be safe.
i have no clue what last words dad and i exchanged.
maybe we didn't exchange any words because we're both men of few words.
(to which dads wife and my wife-to-be, both would disgaree strongly.)

last night as i lay down and closed my eyes,
i was thinking about mum and dad.
i wanted to write to them,
but i lay down to sleep instead.

as i closed my eyes..
my subconscious woke up,
and in my subconscious mind..
i opened my eyes,
and i saw mum sitting in front of me on my bed and dad was sitting on a chair to my right side.
the setting was as is of my present room.
and since it was my subconscious,
i knew that they weren't alive.
they were just visiting me.

as soon as i saw mum i smile and i say "what are you doing here?"
and she says "you were missing us:)"

i start getting up when mum holds my hand and says dont get up.
i say no i can get up it's okay.
and i get up and sit up and mum looks at me and she comes forward and kisses my forehead and hugs me.
i know she's crying.
i'm crying too.

dad gets up and puts his hand on my right arm and tells mum buss karo. (stop it)
she keeps holding my hand but lets go of the hug,
and dad asks me kya haal hai. (how are you?)
and i look at him and say i'm okay.
he wanted to leave after that,
when i say dont go?
dad gets teary eyed and sits back down in the seat.

i ask them about every single person.
i ask about every one name by name,
and they tell me that everyone is okay.

after asking about everyone,
i look at mum and smile because she's wearing pants and her usual express shirt.
i ask her "mum, Allah mian (God) lets you wear pants up there?"
hahaha
and they both laugh and dad says "bilkul nahin badlaa" ("hasn't changed a bit")

i look at dad and i say "how am i going to do everything alone?"
and all he says is "seekh lo gay" (you'll learn) and sits back in his chair.

i shake my head because he hasn't changed either and i hate it and he keeps smiling.

then mum asks me how i'm doing,
and i show her that i can move my right arm and my leg.
and i take a glass in my hand and show her that i can hold it,
and look my hand isn't even shaking.
and then i tell them that i shaved myself yesterday.
mum is happy and crying all this time.

and then i ask mum to utho (get up) and sit on the chair next to dad i want to show you something.
and she gets up,
and i take the blanket off me and i show them my new leg.

dad was a doctor.
he gets up immediately and starts looking at the leg,
inspecting its every detail.
and i say "dad its fine.
"i have good doctors.
sit down i want to show you one more thing."

and i stand up slowly and mum starts crying harder and i look at her and i say "mum abhee nahin i'm not done yet.
"cry aik he dafaa:)" (mum, not so soon, i'm not done yet. cry once i'm done)

and i start walking slowly.
i walk around the room taking little steps.
i didn't want to fall down,
or even wobble.
that's why i took really tiny steps.

and after 5 minutes,
i came and sat back in front of them and even dad had tears in his eyes.
i smile and i say "mum? dads crying!"
hahahaha

mum hugged me for soooo long after that.
and the best thing about it?

it was real.
i felt it.

i felt her hugging me.
i felt it when she kissed my forehead.
i felt it when she was holding my hand.
i felt it when dad put his hand on my arm.

then dad got up and said "acha buss" (okay that's it)
and then he brought his hand forward and i shook his hand.
he keeps holding my hand in his and says "you will be fine.
"you are my son.
"you will learn what you dont know.
"and what you do know, you know too much of it.
"you will learn along the way.
"meri beti (he calls S his beti) ko tung nahin karnaa zaada." (don't mess with my daughter too much)

mum kept crying so hard (as usual) she could hardly speak.
she kissed my forehead,
and i closed my eyes.

when i opened my eyes again,
i was here.
and i was crying.

the week that was!

2006-08-16T16:33:00.000+05:00

it's been a hectic last 2 weeks or so.
the nights have been too long.
rich finally managed to get a hold of everyone who is important to my life that will be.
since everyone's scattered around the world,
i have the pleasure of sitting in front of a flat screen,
video conferencing with men in the U.S. & London.

the meetings begin at 8pm every day and they could last from 3 hours to sometimes 6 hours at a stretch.
have we reached any conclusion in 2 weeks?
it has been a lot of hard work,
which has required extreme amounts of patience.
patience that i lost in the first 3 meetings,
and i came out livid..disturbed...disappointed...sometimes feeling defeated..
but then i learnt.
rich spoke to me and told me how to sit in there and deal with crap.

rich is a good guy.
he knows how to handle me,
and how to talk to me.
he gives it to me straight and that's always better.

but sometimes what even he doesn't understand is that it's over-whelming for one man to have so many strangers around trying to take control of his life.
a life that..
that i'm still struggling with.
a life that i'm still learning to hold on to and not let it go.

every night starting at 8 pm,
there sits a panel of men fighting over me.
my life.
not because they care.
but for what it's worth.

it's been going on for 2 weeks now,
and not once has anyone asked me "so what do you want?"
not once.

i guess that is okay too.
i trust rich.
i have left everything completely up to him.

i do what i have to do.
rich does what he has to do.

what do i have to do?
get better for myself and S.

i got my surgery done and i went to india and the doctor there worked with me and helped me get use to the leg.
ever since ive gotten back,
i have been working with my leg..
sometimes i'd walk.
take small..little baby steps.
as i was getting more comfortable,
my steps became more confident.

day before yesterday,
14th august..it rained and the weather was great.
i went in the kitchen and made pakoraas for everyone.
we sat outside,
we had yummy pakoraas and chae,
and then i got up and i walked on my own with my boys for 45 minutes.
:D

after 2 years and 3 months,
i walked on my own 2 legs.
for 45 minutes.
without any support.

i told my baby and she asked me,
and she always asks me "so how did it feel?"
i wish i could tell her what i felt.
i wish i have the words to explain.
but i dont because words will not do justice to the feelings.

with every step that i take..
be it a baby step or a big step,
i think of my parents.
before getting up,
i always look up say a prayer,
and tell mum and dad to look at me.

so they know that i'm okay.
and even if i'm not,
i will be.
i've come this far,
i think i might just be able to go all the way:)

yesterday i walked for half hour again.
my walks getting better.
im becoming more confident.
i've started taking slightly more big steps now.
i still have a long way to go..
my doctor ordered a treadmill yesterday.

he wants me to get on it as soon as it comes.
he walks with me for as long as i walk,
and then he does my physio therapy.
he's concentrating more on my left part of the body.

he works with my arm and my fingers for one hour every day.
after these meetings are finished,
he said he would increase the time because my body is responding well and he can get much better result out of me.

he doesn't want to put too much stress on my body right now.
the meetings are enough stress,
even if i don't feel it or show it alot.

my right hand is working mashallah great now.
when i hold a glass it doesn't shake.
but i'm a lefty,
and my left hand doesn't work as freely for me right now.

today i wanted to shave myself,
and i was working with my right hand..which didn't make anything easy,
but it was fun.
it took me 25 minutes to shave but i loved it.

loved it!

i did my own tootee phootee shave.
i don't even remember when was the last time i shaved.

:)

that is my update.
for everyone who read my blog and is horrified and is in shock,
please remember me in your prayers.
the reason i started blogging was to share my life with as many people as i could.
i want people to know that...life is hard.
life is difficult.
but what in the world would we go on for if we had it all?

a note to God

2006-08-15T17:24:00.000+05:00

one of the sweetest things that i have ever read and heard,
i want to share it with all of you.
its a little note my baby wrote.

Dear God,
I pray that You make everything easy for me. I know it's all in Your control, hence You're the only One who can help:)
Make life easy. And if You can't, make me stronger than I've ever been and let me achieve everything I've ever wanted to achieve.
Bless me. Bless my baby. Bless my family.
Bless our family.
All my love,
Sarah.
x

my firsts:)

2006-08-13T17:11:00.000+05:00

my first word was "mum" (for mother and water both) which always created confusion in the house as to whether i need my mother or water. hahah

my first friend was an imaginery friend that i made; he had no name, i used to call him "yaar" :)

my first real friend, was eric.
i met him the first day we arrived in the U.S..
mum and dad were unpacking and settling things in the house and i was sitting outside and i saw him across the road staring at me.
he crossed the road and sat down with me without saying a word.
we became friends that day.
we were 4 then.
i lost him last year...along with everyone else..
(the answer of "how" if you haven't been following is in one of the few previous posts.)

my first day in school,
i made friends with all the girls in my grade.
when mum came to get me i refused to go home.
hahah
mum told me once the conversation went something like "its time to go home sweetie"
and i was going "no no no no.
"you go home.
" i want to stay here with my girls."
:)

my first bike was a blue four-wheeler that dad got for me for my birthday which i loved.
i loved it.
i used to ride on it every single day,
and i used to wash it every single day with mums liquid detergents.
i had put it in a closet in the garage for my kids.
unfortunately,
a part of my house caught fire last year and garage was one of them.
so i'm guessing that i've lost my bike too..amongst so many other things.

my first job was at a mcdonalds close to my house.
i worked there from 4pm-9pm.

my first pay-ckeck was $15.

my first purchase with my own money was a chocolate bar for mum.
she loved chocolate.
and a hair brush from the $ store for dad so when he leaves the house in a rush without brushing his hair,
there is a brush in the car for him
hahahah

my first sharaarat in the house from what i recall was when i put shampoo in dads cereal for breakfast hahahah
he choked on his cereal,
and when he coughed little bubbles were coming out of his mouth.
and i was looking at him with my eyes wide open and my mouth wide open whispering to myself "dad is making bubbles"
hahahahah

my first sharaarat out of the house was when my friend zak and i used to enter our neighbors houses from their back doors,
open their fridge and steal their food and run out!
hahahah

my first harsh punishment was when i had to write 200 times "i will never make bubbles in dads food again,"
100 times i had to write "i am sorry,"
and i was grounded which meant no cartoons.
no zak.
no eric.
no bike.
no icecream.
in bed at 7pm.

my first car was a camry.
i loved my car.
loved loved loved!
i washed it and polished it every sunday.

my first F was in Math in the 5th grade.

my first crush was my senior,
cyndi.

my first kiss was when i was 14,
julie.
:)

my first date we went for ice-cream and then to the movies and kissed through most of it.

my first cigarrette was marlboro reds when i was 15.

my first drink was vodka straight up when i was 16.

my first drug was when i was 16.

my first dance with a girl was with my mother at a party in our house when i was 13:)

my first toy was an airplane that dad got for me from Orlando.

my first trip to disneyland was when i was 5.

my first summer in pakistan is this year.

my first day in college i hated it and didn't attend half of my classes.

my first time in a plane was when we moved to the U.S. i was 4.

my first lecture from mum was when i got an F in math.

my first lecture from dad was on prom night.
hahaha

my first fight was with my friend eric and he punched me in the stomach and i fell.

my first slap and all the rest that followed came from mum.
the first came when she was daant ree me and as soon as she turned i took out my tongue,
and it was still out and i was making faces at her and she turned back and saw me.
hahahah

my first jootaa from mum ofcourse,
came when i mixed some keechur in mums cake mix.
she baked it and served it to her friends at tea and when the cake tasted "different" i was called and asked and very innocently i told her and ran
mum threw the jootaa at me from behind,
but she missed me.
she always had a bad aim.
hahahahaha

my first love,
sarah:)

still standing

2006-08-12T17:00:00.000+05:00

i am a little like this picture right now.
destroyed and hurt from everywhere,
yet holding my fort..
my ground.
for something..for someone.

music to my ears

2006-08-11T17:28:00.000+05:00

i've had a very rough week,
which will continue to be so for a few more days.
the details i will write soon,
not in the mood at the moment.

and yesterday i heard strings song "zinda"
what a great song.

i closed my eyes,
and i felt better after listening to it.

i also finished the first season of LOST.
starting season 2 from tonight if i have the time.

i'm not sure what the world is coming to.

i had some time to watch tv,
and as i was flipping through the channels,
all that i could hear was "terrorism"
"war"
"crisis"
"code red"
"bombs"
"attacks"
"fighting"
"death toll"

the world was never this unsafe a place to be in,
was it?

our nation was never this lost,
was it?
i wonder what the future of this country is.

i think the question should be,
is there a future?

i have never seen a nation more disillusioned than ours.
i dont know who to blame.
our parents and grandparents or my own generation,
and the new one.

i haven't lived here in a long time.
that is why i know it could be better.
we could be better.
things could be better.

noone wants to stand up and take responsibilty.
not because they cannot,
but because they dont want to.

everyone is living their life.

people dont like to work as part of a team.
the perfect example of that would be our cricket team.
that 11 member "team" defines this nation as a whole,
and i have one word for them and all of us.

disgraceful.

we are a disgrace to our fathers and grandfathers.
we are a disgrace to the millions of people who sacrificed their lives to give us this country.
we are a disgrace to our home; Pakistan.

and if anyone questions me and says why can't i start?

i will.
inshallah.

i just need a little time to be okay,
and then inshallah i will.
i dont know where i will start from,
but i do know that i want to make a difference.
i want to make a family of this nation.
noone knows better than me what it feels like to lose a family and people you love the most.
and there is no home if there is no family and friends.

and i want to make a home.

tangled up in blue

2006-08-05T22:17:00.000+05:00

since i still have not finished my story and i have dragged it long enough i thought i should atleast finish what i had started.

so...i was travelling by ship and i was approximately 4 weeks away from reaching south africa when i was informed of what had happened.
we stopped at an island for a few days because i had to stay in touch with fish.
there were little and big things that had to be taken care of.
my house was completely empty,
and my boss whom i respect and admire greatly did me a huge favor by moving the D.C. office to my home so that the house stays in use.

there were funerals to be arranged.
there was paper work that had to be completed.
my father had left a will,
that had to be sorted out.

there was bank work.
money transfering..
so much work.
and i wasn't there.

fish and i worked together on the phone on an hourly basis,
and he took care of every little thing for me.
and i am so grateful to him for everything that he has done,
and still does for me.

he didn't have to,
and he still doesn't have to..
but he does.

after all that was taken care of,
everything changed.

i had no reason to go to south africa anymore.
i didn't know anyone there.
so we kept travelling.

my friend C was still with me.
after a couple of months,
there were people who were looking for me,
and they got to our ship and took me.
since fish had already told me,
and he had said to me that i will take care of you..
i was ready for them.

they came and took me.
we kept travelling too,
and after a few weeks we got to karachi.
from there,
i was finally on land,
and in a place which was more or less my country..
even if i hadn't lived here for the past 20 odd years.

a whole lot of shit happened after that.
i was moved from one place to the next for "security purposes."

also do keep in mind that i'm still paralyzed.
unable to move even an inch of my fingers.

there was a time when men came with baseball bats,
and hit me with it until there was blood coming out of my mouth..
my stomach.
they would hit me and hit me...
and i'd be lying there unable to move if i wanted to..
waiting to die....
hoping to die..
and i just wouldn't.

and you're wondering so where was the security then?

beats me.

shit like this,
and worse went on for about 7 months after which one fine day they just left me.

where was fish in all this?

he was having issues with his bosses,
he wanted to help me,
and everything was back firing.
he got in to lots of shit because of this after which he was removed from the case and was sent to some unknown place.

i know it was fucked up.
it still is.

so...
i was left all alone to rot and die eventually,
but clearly that didn't happen.

what happened after that was that there is another intelligence agency following up on my case,
and they came and got me and saved me.
(i'm sorry i cannot mention any names and i dont for...obvious reasons:))

their boss is this guy whom we call rich.

he's a good guy.
he's straight forward.
gives it to me as it is.
he doesn't play games with me.

(yes, i'm still with them.
it's not over.
not just yet.)

i have been with these guys for about 5-6 months now,
and...
it has been good.
rich has not promised me anything.
but his boys take care of me.

i haven't gotten beaten in 6 months time,
which feels not so bad:)

so to conclude...my life as it stands today?

it's been an i dont know for so long.
nothings certain.
i dont know anything for sure.

but i do know that i am in good hands.
i do believe that this mess that i am in will end one day.

i am focusing on standing up on my own feet.
i know that i am getting better.
i know that i will get all better really really soon inshallah.
i know God listens to me.
i know i love my baby.
i know that i will see her really soon.
i know that i will go to her house and ask her ami abu if i can take their daughter away.

and i know that she and i will make a home.
together.

smelly delhi

2006-08-04T00:18:00.000+05:00

i'm sitting in delhi right now.
arrived here in the afternoon for a complete checkup and some tests and the go-ahead from my doctor to start walking and very soon after that dancing on my new leg!

the moment you land in this country,
there is a strange smell.
v. strange.
it's nothing personal against any indian,
but seriously yaar these indians need to start cleaning up their country.
again,
it's nothing personal.

anyway,
so i got here at 3ish my time.
it was a fun trip with my doctor,
my brit physio therapist and 2 boys for security purposes.
for the most part we were discussing the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which was shown on starworld last night.
if you guys didn't catch it,
you don't know what you missed.

Godday-om!

(baby if you're reading this, iloveyou i promise:))

the ride to the hospital was long but thank God for some great music.

it was very great jee very great *shaking my head indian style*

got to the hospital and my doctor was very pleased to see me and my progress.
he ran some tests,
some results i got back other i will get later.
but the good news is that he said i'm good to walk.
so yay!:)

he spent 4 hours with me and taught me different ways of standing up,
putting my leg down,
learning to balance,
holding my stance...
little things which you people don't even realize while standing and walking and jumping around.
:)

no need to feel bad all you people.
inshallah in a month or two i will be one of all you people too.

since the doctor did all the tests today,
all day tomorrow and day after i will be working with my new leg.
and when i come back on sunday,
i will be able to atleast balance myself.
even if i'm not perfect at standing up,
atleast i will be standing up on my own,
and on my own two feet.

so yay! again.:)
as from the sound of this post,
yes i'm happy.

little things make me happy.
the fashion show last night,
the very great music,
my good test results,
my adsense approval (i dont know how big of deal that is, but i'm still happy i got approved for it!),
the internet access in my room for an hour,
and now us boys will watch LOST.
(if you guys haven't watched the show, watch it. it's A MUST.)

oh and btw!
justins new song is very great jee very great *shaking my head indian style again*
everyone must listen.

i'm happy:)

and i don't have much time left now.
so i gatta go.

but when i am okay to get up and dance,
you know which song (amongst many many others) i'm going to dance to with my baby?

"Well i'm ready for ya
Come let me show ya
You want to groove im'a show you how to move
Come come" :)

first day of a new month

2006-08-01T18:32:00.000+05:00

its the 1st today.
1st August.
it's our anniversary today:)

it's been 4 and a half years.
mashallah.

4 and a half years...

i was 24.
she was 20.

now she is 24.
i am 28 (much to my dislike.)

our birthdays are 2 days apart.
i am november 26.
she is november 28.

4 and a half years of a roller coaster ride.
it is a hell of a long time to be with someone..
and love them just as much as you did day 1,
if not more.

so what do we do on our anniversary?

we've been together so long,
now we just try to be nice to each other,
not to fight,
not to have a mood kharaab,
not be a sarroo barroo,
to not make a boothee at every thing,
and well...
just behave.
:)

if anything goes wrong,
that is how we manaao each other.
"baby aaj nahin na, its our day"
hahah

1st of every month is our day.
it has always been,
and it always will be.

it's nice.
it's a great.
it's something everyone should experience once in their lifetime.

it can end with tears.
it can end with smiles.

but who cares?
everything hurts.
and little things make us happy.
and the ones that make us happy are the ones that we remember.

we smile through the tears,
and that's what matters.

it's a wonderful feeling..
of loving and being loved back.

i'm blessed and i pray God bless everyone.

chasing after you

2006-07-31T19:20:00.000+05:00

i had a dream last night.

i was chasing after something.
i was running,
i was stumbling,
i was falling,
i was going up and down the stairs following it like a mad man.

it was a little diamond.

and i caught it.

it has to be a good dream,
right?

the answer is blowing in the wind

2006-07-29T00:36:00.000+05:00

since the last few posts have been kinda heavy to read,
i thought that today i would tell you a little about what is going on today in my life and how i am doing,
as at this moment.
i promise to only write the pleasant things:)

hmmm...
okay so..while everything was happening,
my physio had begun,
and i was getting it done on a regular every day basis.

reason?

my right side was not paralyzed,
but it needed to be worked on,
to keep the feelings and the nerves working.
it has been 2 years and then some...
and because of the regular physio,
my right side is mashallah perfectly okay.
and when i say perfect,
i mean that i am almost 90% as fit as all of you are from my right side.
:)

i can move my arm,
my hand,
my wrist,
i can finally make a tight grip and hold things in my hand.
i feel pain normally.

little things that almost every single human being leading a healthy life takes for granted.
i have come a long way.
mashallah.

it all started when i moved my right hand fingers for the first time...
and....
when i first felt pain in my shoulder.

i remember being the most grateful man on earth feeling that pain.

its strange how sometimes pain makes you feel good.

in may this year,
i stood up.

how?

im not quite sure.

i was sick,
agitated,
frustrated,
anxious..
and then something just clicked in my head.

i called my doctor and told him im going to stand up today.
he ran and came thinking i had gone insane.

he was looking at me,
and i asked 2 of my boys to help me.
they sat with me,
and i tried and i tried and i tried..
and finally i did it.

i stood up on my one leg.
my right leg.
with the help of two boys.

but i stood up.

:)

2 years it took to stand again.
but i did it.

i still dont know what made it happen.

He did.
i know He did.

i wish i could put in words what that felt like..
but i cannot so i will not even try.

that same day...
i stood up again a couple of times.

my boys were standing with me,
happy,
hugging me and congratulating me,
when one of them said give me a high five.
and as i was going to move my right arm to give him a five...
i unconsciously moved my left shoulder.

my doctor who was standing there stared me and shouted "HOW DID YOU JUST DO THAT?"

i looked at him and said "do what?"

he yelled again "you just moved your LEFT SHOULDER"

then he asked me to do it again,
and as i tried to make a movement..
i made my left shoulder move.

it was the slightest of movement which any other person would not have noticed,
but my doctor did.

even i didnt.

:)

that one inch of a movement meant that there was hope.

i went to india for a complete check up.
the doctors said that the physio is working,
and it is making the nerves weaker.

they said that my paralysis was workable,
and there is absolutely no reason that i cannot fight my paralysis and become okay.

i met a great physio therapist there,
whom i made a deal with,
and he came home with me and is with me 24 hours a day now.

he works with me.
he wants to make me better.
he makes me work on myself really hard.
and i believe that hard work never goes to waste.

today,
as i wrote earlier,
my right side is fine mashallah.

my left side is improving immensely.
i have started to feel pain in my left side..
i can move all 5 of my fingers with ease now mashallah.

i stand up,
and with the help of a walker i can take little steps all on my own..
and go in the kitchen and make myself a sandwich.

2 weeks ago i went back to india,
i got surgery done on my left leg which had been amputated,
and got myself an artificial leg.

i am still getting used to that leg..
the doctor said keep wearing it during the day so you get the feel of it.
it was really weird for the first week...
but now im getting used to..
to the feel of it.

a few days ago...
i tried standing up on both my legs...
without too much pressure,
just as an experiment..
and i did.

it was only for 40 seconds...
but i stood up...
and this time,
on my own two feet.

:)

i wish i could explain what that meant...
what that felt like..
but i cannot.
and i wont.

i still get my physio done every day.
my 77 medicines 3 times a day have come down to 4 medicines twice a day.
i walk a few steps every day.

i promised a nice post,
i hope you all feel better reading this and knowing that i am okay.

my story hasn't ended,
i will continue telling it.
things are still happening and going wrong,
but in all of that,
i haven't given up.

and i am not saying i never gave up.
i gave up.
i let go..
of everything.
all of beliefs.
all my faith.

i was so lost.
so mad.
so alone.

but i'm okay now.

He brought me back.

He showed me the way.

i give up for a few moments even now.
when i have come so far.

but then i close my eyes..
and i see a little girl holding my hand and smiling.
and i open my eyes and i know it's my laala holding my hand..
still.

she held my hand through everything.
all the good and all the bad.
all the laughs and all the tears.

she gave me a reason for living.
she is my reason.

somewhere over the rainbow..

2006-07-28T01:32:00.000+05:00

time was passing by.
there were ups and there were downs.
more downs and things happening for the worse than ups.

while i was protected,
and heavily guarded,
my family and friends were in some serious trouble.

they were being traced.
stalked.
the phone lines were tapped.
every move was on the record.
cameras and videos and audios of everyone i knew were being made and recorded.

my girls in Pakistan were being chased.
their calls were intercepted.
they were being followed.
there were many attempts of accidents.
kidnappings.

it was complete madness the details of which i cannot get into.
dont want to.

to get a hold of the situation my fathers friend who was in the police in D.C.,
referred us to this guy,
whom we call "fish."

fish was from one of the intelligence agencies,
and he did everything in his power to protect my family and my friends.
he made a team of men and flew them down to pakistan,
especially to look after S and my brother M.

i was being taken from state to state.
trying to dodge every other week.
my condition was already bad.
i couldn't travel by air,
it gave me headaches and the doctors did tests to find out that there is some kind of a hole in my head,
which will now allow me to travel by air for a long long time.

things worsened with every passing day.

i asked S to come see me since i couldn't travel anymore.
i convinced her to apply for the U.S. visa again,
and she said okay and she applied for it.

the situation at my end was so bad that it had formed into a case,
and the "case" went in to the hands of the immigration people.
they read my last name and my familys last name,
linked us to al-qaeda,
and asked us to leave the country with immediate effect.

ever since 9/11 we had been expecting it,
but for it to happen at the time that it did was absolutely uncalled for.

my father a citizen of the United States for over 25 years was asked to leave the country,
along with his family,
and the home he had made for himself.

we packed up our life in suitcases in 3 days.
my father resigned.
i resigned.
( i was still officially an employee of my company i was working for even after the accident had happened. a few months after the accident, i was made the vice-president and a full time-partner of my architecture firm.)

my father decided that him and mum would go to South Africa where my taaya had a house,
and apparently my father had also bought a small house there a few years ago.
the problem was that i couldn't travel by air because of my problem.

a dream of mine,
which came up in a conversation as a joke that i want to travel the world by ship,
came true.
since there was no way i could have flown,
fish arranged for a little cruise for me.

it wasn't as luxurious as one would think,
but nonetheless,
i got on board.

so the plan was-
my parents would reach South Africa,
settle down.
and i would meet them in a couple of months.

:)

i got on the ship with a doctor,
2 of fishs men,
2 captains,
and about 10-14 middle-aged to old men who had no families,
and all they did was travel.

my female childhood friend C got on board with me.
she said she didn't want me to live my dream all alone.
:)

we started travelling.
things were okay for 10 days..
we were moving as planned.
i would get to South Africa in a month,
if not 3 weeks.

and then,
the day that dad said he would call the station and give me their contact number..
i never got the call.

i still remember that day.

when something is about to go wrong,
i always know.
i have this gift...
which can well enough be called a curse too.
i always always know when things are wrong.

that is the feeling i felt on the day of my accident.

my heart was sinking.

i knew something horrible had happened,
and dad was not calling..
and that didnot make the situation any better.
i called up every friend of mine,
and on everyones cell..
the voice call would come on.

after about 20 minutes...
there was news from the station.
fish called..

all my friends were shot dead at the spot...
my family..
every single person...

my parents had what seemed like an accident in South Africa..
they were rushed to the hospital.

it was a day that i would not want to remember.....
ever..
after every 15..
sometimes 20 minutes,
i was getting news of someone....

my friend C who was with me...
her boyfriend was shot too..

that was the extent of the loss..

in one day....
i lost my whole family and all my friends and their families.
my whole family.
my taaya and his family..
my grandparents...
my phophos..
my...

family..

my parents were still at the hospital,
fighting for their life..

but they.....
they only fought for one day...

my mother was always a darpokoo anyway...
and dad..
i think...
i think he just got tired of it all.

and just like that...
one by one..
they all left....
in a day...
without a warning.

and just like that..
out in the middle of nowhere...(literally)
i was supposed to deal with it.

and just like that...
5 days prior,
S had gotten her U.S. visa.

and isn't it ironic...don't you think?

in the heat of the night.

2006-07-27T00:39:00.000+05:00

during Ms stay with me,
i had started eating properly.
taking my 77 medicines 3 times a day.
i was sleeping okay.
i was resting.

S was writing to me every day.
i spoke to her on the phone a couple of times.
only a couple because i couldn't talk properly.

amongst everything else,
i was having problems with my speech too.

but things were okay.

i was heavily guarded,
and after a few days of being in the hospital i was moved to a private house.

before i move on with my story,
there are things i haven't told.
why i was shot,
and why the accident actually happened,
why i was being guarded.
i will tell you now.

when i was 14,
i had an accident and i was rushed to the hospital where my dad was practicing at the time.
while i was there,
there was another boy,
almost my age..was lying there,
bleeding heavily.

there was a doctor attending to him,
another was attending to me.
the way it is done in hospitals normally.

as fate would have it...
the boy passed away.

his injuries were serious..
there was too much blood loss...
the doctors did everything they could,
but it was his time to go...and he went.

12 years later...
that boys father tracked down my father,
and his family..
and made our lives a living hell.

his story?

this doctors son was favored at the hospital.
my son was lying on a bed next to his sons,
and the doctors didnot pay him any attention just because he was not a doctors son.
he was my only son and now he is dead.

his reason?

my father.

his idea of getting even?

i am going to take everything away from him.
i will take away his family.

only this time,
it would be the son at the receiving end...
not the father.

and that is exactly what he did.

shit happens.

2006-07-25T21:46:00.000+05:00

hmmm..
so where did i stop?

yeah.
so my accident happened.

my friend E called up M and told her what had happened,
and that is how S found out.
M was leaving for the U.S. after a week.

i was in a coma for a week after my accident.

i woke up....
because i saw her.
i saw her crying.
crying her eyes out.

and i opened my eyes.

hated it.

hated when i opened my eyes.

so i kept them closed.
i never said a word to anyone.

i was quiet.
stopped eating.
stopped drinking.
stopped talking.

hated everything.
everyone.

i didn't know what to think.
i didn't know if she would even want to be with me now.
all i knew was that if M comes to see me,
that would be because of her.

if she doesn't come to see me,
it's over.

there were feelings inside of me.
and i couldn't take them out because i was..
paralyzed.

it was a paralysis of emotions too.

my parents were in D.C.
i was in L.A.
my father was in the hospital there at the same time that i was in the hospital paralyzed.
my mother had to keep flying back and forth.

and in the middle of all this madness..
M came.

she came.
she flew to L.A. just to see me.
you know what that meant?

:)

that meant my baby was still my baby.

M came and i felt better.
she brought hope with her.
she brought faith with her.

she fed me.
she talked to me.
she took care of me.
she loved me.
she stayed up with me all night long.
she cried with me.
she laughed with me.
she read out emails to me.
she told me things about my baby that i never knew.

while she was there,
my left leg was amputated.
the doctors said it has to be removed.
and so they did.

i didn't care.

M came.

i was better.

the past re-lived...

2006-07-14T18:50:00.000+05:00

the last time i wrote,
i had gotten to the part where i was married.

it was a disgrace to the whole ideology of holy matrimony.

which surprisingly enough,
ended with a little grace.

and a sigh of relief for both parties.

farah got married again.
happily.

which lessened my guilt to a great degree.

a chapter closed.

a new life began.

laala and i planned to meet that summer.
i wanted her to come to the U.S. and see my life there.
i wanted her to see and feel and live my life with me for a while,
before deciding anything.

before making a decision.

we lead different lives.

and saying it,
and knowing it.
and actually expriencing it,
are all different things.

that was the summer of 2004.
she applied for her U.S. visa,
and it got rejected.

that same summer..
i was working on a project in L.A.,
and i was sharing an apartment with a friend.

i am an architect by profession.
so i had to travel a lot.
different cities.
new sites.
new clients.

i had been in L.A. way too long,
and i just wanted to go back home.

since her visa was rejected,
we decided that i'll fly to lahore and see her.

while in L.A.,
2 weeks before i was going to see her..
i had an accident.

a car came and hit me..
and i was shot a couple of times.

why i was shot is another story.
another blog.
another day.

anyway.

i was in a coma for a few days...
only to wake and find out that my whole left side of the body was paralyzed.
i could hardly move any part of my body.
and my left leg had to be amputated immediately.

a little too much information to take in at one time,
but that is how it was given it to me.

my life after the accident....
read the next blog in a few days.

i feel love..:)

2006-07-13T15:53:00.000+05:00

an email i wrote a few days ago.
this will sum up what i have been feeling and what i am feeling now.
where i am now,
so i dont have to write about it.

i cannot sleep.
am happy.
excited.
i feel overwhelmed.

you know what i feel?

i feel like im on top of the world.
and i can do absolutely anything.
anything at all.

you know that adidas commercial?

in the end it says "impossible is nothing"

that is what i feel.

i truly feel like impossible is nothing.

i have started to believe that if there is anything that one wants,
one can do it.

i keep saying im happy.
im happy in a wonderful way.

i wish i could put my feelings into words.
and i'll try.
because you know what?

all 3 of us..
at some point or the other need these words.
and it's strange..
and the only way i can put it is..

..we're one
but we're not the same
we get to carry each other
carry each other
one.

i havent felt this way in a while.
the only time i ever felt this elevated was when i was so high.
so drunk.
so wasted.

and i felt like the world was at my feet.

and that is what i just said to you on the phone too baby.
that the world is at our feet.

and it feels good to be sober,
and feel.
experience.
love.
be happy.
be sad.

that is the way it goes,
right?

if we wont feel sad,
we'll never know what happiness is worth.

we have to feel pain.
we need to.

it is a strange circle of life.

i'm not sure i'm making a point.

i just want you both to know that...
both of you have made me the person i am today.
(for better or for worse that is debateable.)

at the time when i came in your lives,
it was a stramge time for all of us.
but your belief.
your faith.

it moved me.
it really did.

we needed each other at the time.

we have all come a long way from there.

a long long way.

and wherever we all are,
is a good place.
it is a better place.

i know it is.

i have been through hell.
hell like noone has.
and i hope and i pray noone ever does.

and i survived it.
i am surviving it.
i have been surviving it.

i have lived through it.
and i continue to do so.

sometimes i don't want to.
i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i really don't.
but i still do.
and i don't even know why.

i lose hope.
i have lost hope.
i have given up.

i have been through the worst times.

alone.

which makes it even worse.

but that is okay too.

because at the end of the day,
Whoever it is Who brings you to it,
takes you through it too.

He really does.

and we all know that.
we have all learnt.

:)

in our own fucked up ways.

you know what i have learnt?

it is okay to be not okay,
and it is okay to be lost.

if you really want to get back on track,
He will show you the way.
and He does.

and He has.
everytime.

He shows you the worse,
and then He does make it better.
in little ways.

i dont know how you are living in your house without being a bitter bitch M,
but you dont know how much i admire that.

it's amazing mashallah.
and i also know that He gives you that strength.

i dont know why you are still with me laala,
and i guess i will just never know.
i guess you will just never know either.

:)

but it is reason enough for me to go on.
to make it work.

to get all better.
to be able to walk.
to get up in the morning and stand on my own feet and face the world.
to make a home.

to start afresh.

i am rambling on i know.
but we all love it don't we?

i want you both to know that i am happy.
i really am.

all day today,
i have had a smile on my face.
and there were little things..
good little things,
which kept making me happier.

and i am feeling this happiness after so many feelings of..
sadness.
pain.
hurt.
bitterness.

i felt like i was let down.
i didn't know what i was feeling.
but i wasn't happy.

i wasn't content.

i was restless.
confused.

i think i was in denial too.

but i'm okay now.

i don't know what has changed.
i really don't know why or how today is better than yesterday,
but it just is.

you know?

it just is.

and even if it isn't,
so what?

it will be.
it has to get better some day right?

the sun rises every morning doesn't it?
it has to rise.
right?

who better to ask that question than us.
together and individually.

that is the power of love.
hope.
faith.

:)

thank you.
both of you.

for everything.
for the love.
the hope.
the faith.
the belief (in me and instilling in me)
the God.
the truth.
the honesty.
the reasons.
the countless nights.
the unearthly hour phone calls.
the emails.
the patience.
the tears.
the smiles.
the laughs.
the friendship.
the family.
the home.

for the two of you...

..because maybe,
you're gonna be the one that saves me,
and after all,
you're my wonder wall.

:)

iloveyou both.

nobody knows it but me.

2006-03-23T18:22:00.000+05:00

to continue with the story of my life,
which i left in the middle and disappeared for a long time...
i got lost.
i think i'm gradually finding my way.
i said gradually.
i have learnt that you will only find the way if you truly want to.
and you can do anything,
anything at all,
if you want to.

the key is to never give up.
keep praying.
keep the faith.
and someday,
things will work themselves out.

so to resume where i left....

december 2003,
i had no way of getting out of the situation so i went down to pakistan.
went to pindi where my family was residing then.
flew down there for 5 days.
got there,
had the ceremony,
the rings had already been exchanged..
it was a small gathering,
and i had gotten married.

i didnt tell her.
i didnt tell her that i was coming to pakistan.
i didnt tell her what was going to happen.
we didnt talk about it.
i disappeared on her,
and i think she figured it out on her own.

i came back and spoke to her on new years.
she was sleeping over at her friends house,
and i couldnt call her,
so i was sending her text messages from a website.

i will never forget that conversation.
i will never forget a word.

i wasnt in touch with her,
i didnt mesage her,
didnt call her,
didnt catch her online after that night.

2 weeks later,
she messaged me and i spoke to her.
it was the one of the nicest conversation i have ever had with anyone in my entire life.
we smiled immediately when we saw each other online,
and it was the same.
everything was the same.

i was miserable without her.
i wouldnt go home.
i would keep looking for work,
and stayed out most of the nights.

my wife per say was a joke.
i didnt look at her.
i didnt speak with her.
she tried talking,
and i would look away,
or get up and leave.

i was miserable.
i was angry.
i was pissed off.
i was sorry.
i was so in love with someone else.

two is a perfect number but one..

2006-03-02T13:06:00.000+05:00

ive been trying to write here for the past 8 days now.
8 days.
and i cannot seem to find the correct words.
i feel more handicapped than i already am.

words have been my power.
my biggest asset.
my biggest strength.

her grandfather was in the hospital for 3 days.
she was sick herself.
she was irritable,
edgy,
and just sick & tired of things more than the sickness itself.

on the 24th of february,
i was in the middle of an argument/fight and she messaged and said she will get back to me,
her grandfathers passed away.

that was it.

i had to stay.
i wanted to stay.

and i did.
im still here.

her grandmother passed away last year in july due to cancer.
she suffered so much pain.
and she left her husband all alone.
he was old.
he was lonely.
and he had lived his life to the fullest.

she always tells me that he lived his life.
the last thing that he wanted to do was write a book,
and he did that too.

he was a great man.

now he is with his one.
they are back together.
they are happy.
that is why two is a perfect number.

im still lost.
i dont know where to go.

i feel like i'm 17 again.

17 but without a drink in my hand.

these days are the hardest.
staying sober and facing the world is not my first choice.
never was.

sometimes i want to have one drink.
just one.
but i know it starts from just one.
especially for me.
and it doesnt stop.
it stops when i can feel it.
and i start feeling when everyone else has collapsed.

i dont know what it is.
i dont know.
but something inside me keeps telling me to run.
everytime i close my eyes,
there is an image of me running.

and at the back of my mind,
in my head,
its her.
and the more i drink,
the clearer she becomes.

i will run away.
from them.
to her.

i will write again soon.
a better one.
for now,
i wanted to post something to let the world know...
im still alive.

completely incomplete.

2006-02-23T23:13:00.000+05:00

it's 140am, and i have a feeling it is going to be a long night.
why?

i'm not too sure.
the past few days have been....i dont know what the word is for the past few days but..
i know i'm sad.
really sad.

nothing has happened.

there are just too many feelings.
emotions.
conflicting thoughts.
way too many of them.

there is too much at stake.

i want answers.
i dont need them.

i want them.

i always question.
i always have questioned.

everything.

the answers hurt me at times too.
but i still like to question, expecting an answer.

what is life.
why am i where i am and not some place else.
why did they say that.
why did they think that.
why is everyone fighting.
why is there so much suffering.

why is there so much hatred.

what is hatred.

i dont know.

i dont like that word.
it's too strong for me.

i have seen and faced and heard and experinced the harsh.
but i cannot hate.
i dont want to hate.

cowards hate.

i'm not a coward.

but i'm not the bravest either.

i can face.
i can see.
i can hear.
i can experience.
i can suffer.

i have done.

but i have also held my ground.

i am brave.
i am strong.

He gives me strength.

who is He.

He is God.

What is God.
Who is God.

everyone has a different God.
everyone has a different faith.
everyone has a different belief.

my God is that little voice within me.

my God who keeps telling me to go on just a little bit longer.
my God who keeps telling me that my life isn't my own only.

what is life.

it's a journey.
it's an experience.
it's pain.
it's suffering.
it's being.

it's a moment.

and in this moment.....i'm lost.

another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.

2006-02-20T22:29:00.000+05:00

haven't written in the longest time because was not feeling well at all.
still not well, but there is nothing better than writing.
it has always helped me every time.

so getting back to my story;
mum decided to tell dad about her.
i would have told him myself, but he was just never home. he has always been busy with his hospital, and his patients have always been his priority.
not saying that it was a bad thing, and im not complaining about it.
thats just how it always was with him, and noone seemed to mind it or get bothered by it, so be it.
so mum told dad, and he decided to speak to me.

tells me that i have a cousin in pindi (a city in Pakistan), who is my phuphos (adopted) daughter,
and for 4 years my grandparents have been interested in me getting married to her.
but my dad told them that its too soon for him to get married,
he's only 20, we'll think about it and then we will move forward.

and now my dad tells me this, when mum has brought up her friends daughters.
and my grandparents were coming to visit us, and they were bringing the ring for me, and they want me to say yes, so that we could get married later.

i remember that when dad was telling me all this, i was staring at him. this is not my father talking.
my father has never stopped me from doing anything.
i have lived the most independent and sometimes (read most of the times) fucked up life as a teenager,and the following years, and he has never told me what to do.
never.

and this is that same man telling me not in so many words that i cannot say no?
to marriage?

something that he very well knows that i have never wanted to do.and now that this whole drama starts, he brings up a family secret, and expects me to fulfill all dreams.well knowing that...for the first time in my life, i am so completely in love with this girl, who he knows mind you, is the best thing thats ever happened to me and he is saying to me that there is a ring coming, and i have to accept that?

it was fucked up.
i find out that there is my cousin.
whom i have seen yes, but never exchanged more than a hello with.

and my family was expecting me to marry this girl.
everyone in my family knew i was with someone already,and not just fooling around.
they were well aware of the seriousness of the relationship.

and lived in the states and grown up there i was alien to the idea of this kind of marriage,and there were so many mixed emotions within me.
it was one of the most frustrating times of my life.

family on one hand.
her on the other.

i just didnt know what kept hitting me over and over and over and over again.
i have never been good with emotions, and i have always run away from things, and difficult times.

if i couldnt run away, i would use alcohol and drugs to be away from it all.
i didnt want to go back to drugs, so i chose to run away.
or atleast i tried.

i left home.
i left her.

i didnt say a goodbye, but i told her everything that was going around.
she knew each and every little detail.
i didnt hide a single thing from her.
thats not how we were, and hiding or keeping something from her was a thought that never even crossed my mind.

i told her she can email me when she wants to.
she can call me when she wants to,
and ill be right here with her.

and i packed my bag, and i left home.
didnt say goodbye to anyone.

ive learnt over the years that im scared of goodbyes.
they've never turned out good for me.

i went to my college in an attempt to finish off my thesis in some fucked up way possible.

instead.

i just lay in my bed all day.
kept thinking and thinking and thinking and trying to make sense of something.
any one thing.

maybe even her.
how did she come in my life.
how far we had come.
where were we heading.
are we even headed somewhere or is it a dead end.

everything happened so fast.
everything was still happening so fast.

or maybe it was just that thats how things happen,
and im just not used to living like this?

there was an urge for things.

so strong.

i remember even getting out of my bed, and going to his room to ask for whatever he has then.
anything.

anything that would make the pain go away.

but for some reason, i turned back.

if i do it once,
this once,
there is no turning back.
ever.

i turned back thinking of her.

i lay down again.
closed my eyes and i saw her face.

the pain always goes when i see her face.

:)

i checked my mail and she had asked me to come online and speak to her.
i had about a million mails from her.

i went online after 3 days and spoke to her.

it felt like i was breathing after years.

i was calm again.

it was the nicest conversation we had.

she was lost.
she was miserable.
she had been crying and crying and was sick of it.
she said she couldn't let me go.
she said this too shall pass.

i wanted to believe her.

i think i believed her.

i believed her.

i knew it was us that was meant to be together.
noone else.
nothing else.

it hurt, but we started talking again.
we made each other laugh and we were happy and so in love.
it made the hurt go away.

things kept happening.

my grandfathers condition worsened,
and my whole family wanted me to get married before something happened to him.
he wanted to see his grandson married.

my grandparents who were living with us said that we will not go back without me.
which meant, if i go back with them, i have said yes and i get married to my cousin.

things were going from bad to worse on one hand.
and on the other hand,
it was but.....just love.

dream yourself a dream come true.

2006-02-15T19:42:00.001+05:00

so valentines was here.
how did i spend it?

well...to put it in simple words...it was by far.
the crappiest valentines ever.
not because i didnt have a valentine.

she asked me if ill be her valentine,
and i had the biggest ever smile on my face and i said ofcourse.

:)

so on the 13th we started speaking at 7pm when she got home,
and we talked and we talked and we talked and we talked till 330ish in the morning.
she had work in the morning at 9,
but since it was valentines we spoke all night.

what did we talk about all night?

we almost ended our relationship in the middle.

(what brought that on, as i move along, you will wonder why or how exactly are they still working this relationship.)

then talked our way through it.
i was upset.
she got upset.
i made her cry.
we talked.

realized things.

reminded each other what it means for us to be together.
and the reasons that we have come this far.

i was so upset that i fell sick and i threw up 10 times during all this time that we were talking,
and i could feel fever too.
at 3ish,
my stomach started to hurt,
and i could hardly speak,
and i told her ill call her back i have a bad stomach ache and i cannot speak.

i was so sick i couldnt call her back and i knew she had gone to sleep either way.
i went to the washroom,
threw up,
and my stool had blood in it.
i was rushed to the hospital at 7am.
i was given sedatives and i went to sleep.
when i woke up at 5pm i knew i had to message her somehow and tell her where i am.
i text'd her and told her im at the hospital and will be back home soon and will speak to her in a little while,
and when i switched on the cell phone, i had 6 messages from her, which had started off with a good and happy iloveyou baby,
and the last message said i know you dont even love me anymore.

:)

i got home at 930 maybe 10.
i called her at 1030 maybe 11 at night on valentines day after being away the whole day.
:P

not impressive at all i know.
ya think?

so that was valentines day.

*hmmph*

f that shit.
"every day is valentines day for us."

thats what i actually said to her.
those were my exact words.

cheesy.

yes yes i know.

but true.

:)

so that was to catch up on the recent happenings.

to pick up the past from where i left;
so....slowly the whole mum and her friends daughter and other girls situation cooled down.
not as easily as im writing it.

there was a lot of uncomfortable silences.
awkward moments at home.
arguments.
raging tempers.

something which was so new to my home.

we are 3 people in that house.

mum.
dad.
me.

us 3 complete our little home.
we are the family.

we never fought.
we never had silent moments.
we never had bad tempers.

we were away from our homeland and family,
and my parents built this tiny family of mine with loads and loads of love.

i grew up watching my parents being so affectionate towards each other,
in the most subtle and sweet way possible.

i took from that.

i am more affectionate and sensitive than most men are.
maybe because i was around my mother most of my childhood,
and...since she always wanted a daughter and never had one,
i got all the daughterly affection,
and the sonly cusses.

i hated that period.
hated it.

i started staying out of the house alot.
as it is, i was out of the house, and i hardly ever came home.
my friends never knew where i was, and there was no way of getting in touch with me.
since that's how it always was with me,
noone even dared to think that i should have a cell phone or a pager,
or something of the sort.

but when i came back from pakistan,
and i was working on my thesis,
i would come home as often as i could.
i was different when i came back,
a nice different.

i realized that i had missed home.

i had missed my mother.
i had missed my father.

i had missed my family.

:)

it took a while for the circumstances to be okay,
and for mum and dad and me to be okay around each other.

it took a long time for things to come back to normal.
and yet.
after that summer, nothing ever became normal.

noone knows except the both of us..

2006-02-12T12:00:00.001+05:00

( i wrote this blog yesterday but my cable went down. which means that she's coming back tonight! spoke to her last night, and she wasnt doing well at all. my baby is sick :(. i hope she feels better when she wakes up today.)

she's coming back tomorrow. yay!:)
im sooooo happy.
i somehow managed to get past these 4 days. couldnt have done this without my brother. my brother, there is lots and lots and lots to come of my brother, so i wont say anything about that yet. but would like to thank my brother (M) here, without whom these 4 days would have been more miserable and longer than they already were. its always nice to talk to M. we're....one and the same and she hates it at times. most of the times. yes.we have the same annoying habits. and yes, she was friends with my brother first. strange, complicated story, which ill explain later when its time.

coming back to us, our first summer was here.
everything was going great.
perfect.
we're the happiest two people, crazy in love, and nothing can come between us.
and yet, something did.

mum went to visit her friends in L.A. and over there she met her friends daughters and few other girls and really liked them. for me. she called me and then she came back, and discussed it with me, well knowing that there was already someone in my life whom i was serious about. for the first time in my 24 years i. was. serious. i had never come across such a situation before, and i freaked out completely, emailed her, told her everything, and said to her that after reading all this, whatever decision you make, i will be okay with it. we spoke about it (IM ofcourse), got upset. cried.
we were both hurt. we knew what we were being forced to do just wasnt right.
whats right is us.
her and me together.

it was a feeling that we had never felt before.
it was love that we never knew about, and had never experienced before, and knew that we would never feel it again. i knew from the beginning that there was something about this girl.
i dont know, and i still dont know what it is about her, but something that pulls you towards her like a magnet. it is so strong that you cannot turn your face away from it even if you tried.

we didn't say our goodbyes.
we didn't breakup, but i became clearly distant.
i didnt know how to react.

me, a guy who never took a girl seriously. had a girl at all times, but it was always her making the effort, never me.
no commitment.

with her, it was different.
everything was different.
a strange kind of different.
a crazy kind of different.
a scary kind of diferent.

i didnt know what i was feeling, but i knew it felt good.
it felt right.

it gave me happiness that i wasnt aware of.
it gave me a sense of responsibility.

i wanted to take care of her.
i wanted to keep taking care of her.
maybe even for the rest of my life....

she gave me things i never had before.
she gave me love.
she gave me hope.
she gave me faith.
and the best of them all...

she gave me peace.

there are oceans in between us..

2006-02-10T14:24:00.000+05:00

i spoke to her last night on IM, and she has shopped and shopped and shopped and shopped and then shopped some more. i tried calling her too, but there were some robotic sounds in the background which made it impossible for her to hear me, so me moved back to IM.
she's coming back in 2 days. so yay!:)

so coming to the how it all started.
i went back to D.C. (thats where ive lived and grown up.) i left on valentines day, and she agreed to be my valentine:) we stayed in touch through email and IM, thinking that ofcourse it will fizzle out. i mean, who are we kidding here? long distance, email, chats, and that's it.
but we sure as hell were in for a roller coaster ride. after i went back, in one of the IM chats, she told me that she was falling in love with me after a couple of months of us chatting.
(when i was in Lahore, we never met. we didnt even speak on the phone.)
i was already a little in love with her, and mum and all my friends had noticed a change in me ever since i had returned. days went by, and.....i kept falling in love with her.
i dont know what it was, and what it is. it's just her.
just the way that she is.
i found it harder and harder to pass my day without her.

i came back and decided to finish my thesis, and started working on it.
she had finished her bachelors, and she found her first job.

we wrote to each other every single day.
spoke every single day.
i had to travel alot because of my thesis.

days kept passing by.
months kept passing by.

we had been together 6 months.

6 months.

the longest relationship we had both been in.
ever.
it was strange.
it was nice.
it was weird.
it was awkward.

it was love.

we havent met.
we havent spoken on the phone.
we havent seen each other.

we had each others words.
and we both fell in love.

it was a different kind of love.

patient little purple bug!

2006-02-08T17:44:00.001+05:00

i first saw her email address when i was visiting pakistan, in one of my cousins email forwards and loved it. there were hundreds of addresses, but that one struck me.
there was something about it.
i asked my cousin to add it on her IM list.
everyday id wait for it to logon.
i waited almost 2 weeks when one day my cousin shouted "your address is online!"
and i ran to the pc,
and the screen name had been changed from "patient little purple bug" to "SecretOceanOfCoralBlue."

*hands shaking*
*heartbeat so fast*

i knew i had to message with an open ended question, and not just a hello.
i might not get a reply to that.

smiling,
i typed "why did you change your nick?" and pressed enter.
10 seconds later, i got a reply!

:)

that was 4 years and 11 days ago.
she had turned 20,
i had turned 24,
2 months back.

today,
she is 24,
and i am 28,
and we've been together since that day when i IM'ed her.

details of everything i will tell you in every post bit by bit.
cannot write it in one post because its 4 years i have to narate, and too much that happened every single day.

4 years friends, is a long long long time.

5 days...the countdown begins.

2006-02-07T14:49:00.000+05:00

its 3pm and she leaves today at 6pm for dubai with her mother and elder sister.
going for 5 days, returns sunday night and right now is at work, we're messaging off and on with an iloveyou and a kiss and smile, and she says she has no time no time.
she has always been the hectic one, and loves it.
i will miss her.

i have 5 days and nights to spend without her, which are enough to tell you about her and me.
it's an interesting tale, which if most of you dont believe, will be alright.

for right now, i just wanted to open my blogspace and start.